Popped Density

Best Original Song - 2011

2012-01-28T19:19:00.000-08:00

"Man or Muppet" from The Muppets performed by Jason Segel and Peter Linz

Movie Synopsis: Three fans help the Muppets reunite to save their theatre from a greedy oil tycoon. Adventures and wackiness ensue.

Does it appear in the movie (i.e. other than the end credits)? Yes...at least I'm pretty sure it does?
Is it important to the plot? From my internet research, yes?
Is it pleasing to the ear? Silly as fuck, but yes.

"Real in Rio" from Rio performed by Jesse Eisenberg, Jamie Foxx, Anne Hathaway, George Lopez, will.i.am, and the Rio Singers

Movie Synopsis: A domesticated macaw goes to Rio De Janeiro with a she-macaw. Adventures and wackiness ensue.

Does it appear in the movie (i.e. other than the end credits)? Opening and closing.
Is it important to the plot? SOUTH AMERICAN BIRDS LIKE THE SAMBA!
Is it pleasing to the ear? Saludos Amigos and The Three Caballeros have soured me on all psuedo-South American music.

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Oh, no. Your eyes are not playing tricks on you. There are but two, I repeat, two--dos, deux, due, zwei, duobus--Best Original Song nominees this year. Why, you ask? Well, according to this week's issue of Entertainment Weekly:

"...the Academy's music branch introduced a rule change in 2009 demanding that tunes receive an average score of 8.25 or higher (out of 10) from branch members to earn a nod. And if just one song hits the 8.25 mark, the track with the next highest score gets a nomination."

Meaning: nothing is good enough for the pretentious asshats in the Academy's music branch. I mean, Christ, just for appearances throw in a third nominee. This is just embarrassing. It makes the category look pointless. (Which if you get down to it, the whole damn thing: film makers awarding film makers for the sake of getting awards is pointless...but I digress). In 1945, the category hit its peak with a staggering 14 nominations. The following year, the rules changed to limit the number of nominations to five maximum. Since then, only four years--1988, 2005, 2008, 2010--have strayed from this formula. But this is a new low.

It's hard to believe a mere seven years ago the Counting Crows's radio-friendly "Accidentally in Love" (from Shrek 2) was a nominee. And nine years ago Eminem's hoody-up anthem "Lose Yourself" (from 8 Mile) was the Best Original Song winner and a number one single on the Billboard charts. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Sigh...anyway, what gets my vote?
"Man or Muppet" from The Muppets

It made me laugh. It's better structured. It's bombastic. It's something.

So what will win?
I'd say "Man or Muppet" for all the reasons given above AND songs from The Muppet Movie (1979) and The Great Muppet Caper (1981) were previously nominated, so maybe the Academy has some love for the Muppets. Plus, I have a 50/50 chance of being right. I like them odds.

Analysis
Before this year's Golden Globes, I listened to the five nominees for their Best Original Song category. Even though the Globes and the Oscars disagree on this category more than any other, I figured there could be some overlap. I was wrong, of course. It's unfortunate too because "Lay Your Head Down" from Albert Nobbs and the winning "Masterpiece" from Madonna's upcoming directorial debut W.E. are actually listenable. But the bestest, most awesome song?

"Hello, Hello" from Gnomeo & Juliet performed by Elton John and Lady Gaga

I love this song. It's catchy and a little weird (Come on, it's Elton and Gaga!). The first time I heard it during an impromptu viewing of Gnomeo & Juliet, I thought to myself "Oh fuck all, this will be my number one song." And so it was for several weeks.

If this was a perfect world, "Hello, Hello" would be nominated for and win the Academy Award for Best Original Song 2011. Alas, we live in a world where two mediocre/okayish songs manage to rise above all else. Ugh. I won't give up on this category yet.

Also, I've been thinking about maybe, MAYBE, doing a Golden Globes Best Original Song comparison retrospective. I could also try to catch songs I missed (aka songs that couldn't be found on Youtube at the time). Hmmmm.

My Heart Will Go On or: Is There Life After Boys?

2012-01-07T10:59:00.000-08:00

Story Order: #5

Publication Order: #2 (1987)

Time Covered: 7th Grade

So Linda chose to go to the all-girls private school. Life and adventures awaited her. There was no way readers of We Hate Everything But Boys could stand to not find out what happened to Linda at Huntington. Thus, we get the first legit sequel in the Linda series and we wonder, is there really life after boys?

Plot Summary
It’s the day before the first day of seventh grade for Linda who is regretting her decision to go to Huntington. Whilst hanging out with The Crowd--Darlene (friend), Suzy (friend), Ken (Suzy’s crush), Harley (Darlene’s crush), Jeff (Linda’s “boyfriend”), and Sue-Ann (that skank who also likes Jeff)--Linda gets tired of hearing about how great a time they’re going to have at the public junior high, 515 and so she runs off.

Jeff (because he is so fucking perfect in a 1950’s sort of way) runs after her and offers to buy her a soda at the candy store. Later he walks her home, puts his arm around her shoulder and opens the door for her.

As he turned to go, he looked at me, and his blue eyes shone. “Don’t worry, Linda. It won’t matter that you’re going to a different school. You’ve still got your friends. And you’ve still got your boyfriend, too.” He grinned impishly, and then he ran off down the stairs.

Yep, everything’s gonna be allllllllllllllllllllll right.

So Linda starts Huntington and the only other person she knows is mousy Jan Zieglebaum. Instead of joining any clubs or participating in extra-curricular activities, Linda is anxious to get back home so she can hang out with her friends and Jeff. However, they have their own after school stuff which causes her to cling to Jan and her friends, Rosalie “Roz” Buttons and Fran Zaro.

Luckily, Darlene invites Linda to play in a coed football game in the park. Linda invites Jan who invites Roz and Fran--which as you can imagine, doesn’t go over too well. Anyway, Jeff tackles Linda in the game and we get a little sexual tension…

For a moment, we just lay there. His body was on top of mine. I could hear his breathing in my ear. I forgot about football. I forgot the pain radiating from my elbow. I forgot Jeff’s weight crushing my chest. All that mattered was that I was lying there in his arms, closer than I had ever been to him before. It was wonderful!

Despite believing that being tackled by Jeff in a weekend football game solidifies her position as girlfriend, Linda is pretty much cut out of The Crowd by Halloween. She is invited to a party (drink!) with Jan, Roz, and Fran, but decides to hold out for better things. Darlene rushes to get Linda invited to Lawrence’s Halloween party (drink!). Sue-Ann is a huge cunt (as usual) but Jeff seems really happy Linda could attend. They even kiss during a weird bob for apples/kissing game.

Hot.

After Halloween, most of The Crowd joins a Journalism club, so Linda starts hanging out with Jan and her Huntington friends, Merl and Helen. They go ice skating in Central Park and Jan gets sick. While visiting her, Linda hits it off with Fran and Roz. Then she goes to Merl’s birthday party (drink!)

Then comes the first snowfall and Linda goes to Suzy’s apartment building to ask her to go sledding. She grows nostalgic for the year before when she and Jeff built a snowman and bonded. While staring up at his window, Jeff comes up behind her and informs her that he and Suzy are now a part of the Choral Music Club. He invites her to their concert, but Linda doesn’t have a good feeling about it.

Linda asks Jan, Fran, Roz, and Roz’s older sister Lily to go as airbags. Linda is ignored by The Crowd, as usual, but Darlene invites her to pizza afterwards. Linda says no, to be loyal to Jan et al. and Jeff goes with his friends. However, every cloud has a silver lining. A hot ninth grade boy named Mark starts flirting with Linda.

In my mind, all these "older guys"
automatically look like teen idols from when
I was 13.

On a later date, Linda, Jan, etc. go to the ice cream parlor and accidentally sit next to some Older Boys from 515: Mark (dark-haired), Gary (blonde), and Randy (dorky with big ears). Linda realizes that Mark is super nice and that his smile is nicer than Jeff’s!!!

Then there’s a subplot about the Huntington girls volunteering at the Manhattan School for the Blind…which, yay, good for Linda helping the visually impaired.

Now back to the good part…Linda decides to have a New Year’s Eve party and invite The Crowd. It’s her last chance! But when she calls around, Darlene and Suzy are already busy and apparently, there isn’t another party going on…so, Linda just has a slumber party (drink!) with Jan, Fran, and Roz. They experiment with makeup and leg shaving! Tee-hee-hee! Then Linda chances to look out the window.

Under the glow of the streetlamp I could see them all standing there in front of Marvin Haven’s building. They were all dressed up, for they were going to a real New Year’s Eve party.
They were all there. Everyone who was anyone. Lawrence was standing with his arm around Darlene. Suzy was smiling up at Ken, who was stomping his feet in an attempt to keep warm. Lisa Finklestein and Rena Widmark were hovering around Harley… Then, as I watched, I saw them coming down the block. Jeff Davidson, who used to be my boyfriend, holding the hand of my archenemy, Sue-Ann Fein.

Fran, Roz and Jan comfort Linda and tell her that she’s better off without Jeff and The Crowd. Linda realizes her real friends have been there the entire time! Screw Suzy and Darlene! And screw the memories! The foursome vow to BFF’s 4-eva and only go after older boys!

So, we’re 85% through Is There Life After Boys? and we’re only to New Year’s. The last two remaining chapters follow Linda and friends in their quest to get the Older Boys to like them back.

REMEMBER

Linda likes Mark (brunette and seemingly perfect)
Fran likes Gary (blonde and a dick)
Roz and Jan like Sheldon (that baseball player from WHEBB)
Nobody likes Randy ☹

Linda and Fran attempt to engage Mark and Gary by asking them questions about photography n’ shit. Then this skank named Sylvia starts flirting with Mark. Apparently, she lead him on but then started dating an older guy. Fran decides the best thing to do is confess her and Linda’s respective feelings for Gary and Mark, because nothing else has worked so far. Amazingly, it sort of works. Week after week, the “couples” practice photography in the park.

While waiting to meet up with Mark, Gary, and Fran, Linda strolls through the park and sees her old friends watching the boys play a baseball game much like at the end of We Hate Everything But Boys.

“Oh--hi, Linda,” was all Darlene managed to say.
“What’s so funny?” said Suzy with a nervous giggle.
“Oh, I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Maybe it’s seeing you all here, just the way you were last year, watching the same boys play ball. It’s like nothing’s changed, and yet, at the same time, everything has.”

Then Linda turns her attention to Jeff on the pitcher’s mound.

As I watched, he tossed in a perfect pitch, striking the batter out. The girls next to me let out a cheer, and Jeff looked up to them for approval. When he looked up his eyes met mine, and for a moment he looked absolutely stunned. Then he smiled a kind of sheepish half-smile and turned his attention to the ball once again.
I watched him for a moment and found, to my great surprise, that I felt nothing. I could have been watching Harley or Ken, or even Marvin for all the difference it made to me. Jeff just didn’t mean anything to me anymore--it was finally all over.

At that moment, Fran enters with Sexy Mark and Sexy Gary and the girls are left drooling as Linda walks into the future with the Older Boys.

Analysis
I first read Is There Life After Boys? the summer after I graduated from high school. I finally had a debit card and the ability to buy used, out-of-print YAF from Amazon.com. The first thing I ordered was naturally the nine Linda books I didn’t own/previously steal from Oakesdale School District.

That summer, I started re-reading. The first two prequels were tough, but 2 Young 2 Go 4 Boys and We Hate... wetted my appetite. I would finally find out what happened to Linda and her own-true-love Jeff Davidson!!!

Wah-wah-wahhhhhahhhhhhh.

The first time I read Is There…, it sent me into such a mild depression that I couldn’t bring myself to finish the series. You see, just finishing high school, I was about to go off to college--a coed college, but college just the same. I was to be separated from all my old friends and my object of affection--not my boyfriend, but separated just the same.

This book was an unfortunate example that I could lose contact with my high school friends even though we promised to FRIENDS FOREVER! Jordyn no liked, bad medicine.

Fast forward to 2012. Upon re-reading Is There… a second time, I was less depressed.

First of all, Linda, Linda, Linda why did you go to Huntington? I mean, I get it. I get it, okay? Education is more important than your social life! You can make friends wherever you go! Real friends are loyal and will stick with you no matter where you go to school! I get it! But Jeff Davidson…there is but one Jeff Davidson and you let him go!

Hey, he could look like this one day!

I guess that’s not fair. In agreeing to be boyfriend-girlfriend, the imaginary contract clearly states that neither party is allowed to cheat. But he’s a twelve/thirteen year old boy. He has no integrity. Of course he’s going to go for Sue-Ann if she’s persistent enough. And Christ, is she. As much as I hate that little twat, she did the work and I’m sorry, Linda, but she deserves him. (I will admit that Sue-Ann’s only sins are being snotty to Linda. For all we know, she could be a much better match for Jeff. Just sayin’)

Seventh grade relationships die faster than carnival game goldfish, so I’m really only slightly saddened by the exit of Jeff Davidson. What hurts the most is the ending of Linda’s friendship with Darlene and Suzy. They’re were such good friends! Especially Linda and Darlene! They cried together and talked about periods! THEY WERE WHEBB!!!

Well, life goes on. Linda makes new friends who aren’t as “cool” as the members of The Crowd (my capitalization, btw). So what if Jan is underdeveloped and boys don’t like her? So what if Fran has frizzy hair and a “nutty” personality? So what if Roz…well, I don’t know exactly what’s “wrong” with Roz other than she hangs out with flat-chested Jan and crazy Fran. Whatever. Linda has real friends now, friends she’ll have until the end of the series!

Even though the word BOYS is a part of the title, this isn’t exactly a romantic story. It’s the story of how Linda goes to private school, loses her friends and boyfriend, and then makes new friends and gets a new crush in Mark. (Just Mark, he has yet to be given a last name). Oh, Mark…how…just…very bland you are. I know we haven’t really been given a chance to get to know him, but he seems to have no faults…other than liking that skank Sylvia. (What’s up with that?)

We have now entered the next phase in Linda’s love life; Older Boys. In the next book, watch as she chases after high school boys as it seems every girl in America does, except me. ☹

Useless Character List For My Enjoyment

Linda Berman - Protagonist (1-5)
Jeff Davidson - Linda's "boyfriend" (3-5)
Sue-Ann Fein - Linda's rival for Jeff (3-5)
Darlene Mason - Linda's best friend (3-5)
Suzy Kletzel - Linda's best friend (3-5)
Ken Wolfson - Suzy's crush (3-5)
Harley Silver - Darlene's crush (3-5)
Jan Zieglebaum - Other girl going to Huntington (4, 5)
Ira and Joey Berman - Linda's twin little brothers (1-5)
Mr. and Mrs. Berman - Linda's parents (1-5)
Jo Rondi - Big sister at Huntington (5)
Ms. Bouton - Linda's homeroom teacher (5)
Merl Marks - Rich friend from Huntington (5)
Helen Niven - Friend from Huntington (5)
Samantha Milken - Snotty girl from Huntington (5)
Mr. Lawton - Hot English teacher at 515 (5)
Mrs. Zieglebaum - Jan's mother (4, 5)
Rosalie "Roz" Buttons - Friend of Jan's (5)
Fran Zaro - Friend of Jan's (5)
Lisa Finklestein - Girl in the crowd (3-5)
Lawrence Carlson - "Mature" guy and later Darlene's "boyfriend" (4, 5)
Marvin Haven - Creep from Linda's building (3-5)
Mrs. Marks - Merl's mother (5)
Nora Whitmire - Merl's snobby and rich friend (5)
Carla LeClaire - Broadway actress friend of Mrs. Marks (5)
Ms. Jean Wise - Junior high division head the the Manhattan School for the Blind (5)
Harriet Crucker - Student at MSB (5)
Jeremy Layne - Student at MSB (5)
Lily Buttons - Roz's older sister (5)
Gary - Older boy Fran likes (5)
Mark - Older boy Linda starts to like (5)
Randy - Older boy and friend of Gary and Mark (5)
Sheldon - Older boy Roz and Jan like (4, 5)
Sylvia - Skank Mark liked earlier in the year (5)

Linda's Kiss List For My Enjoyment

Lawrence Carlson (4)
Jeff Davidson (4, 5)

One Track Minds or: We Hate Everything But Boys

2012-01-05T05:34:00.000-08:00

Story Order: #4
Publication Order: #1 (1985)
Time Covered: 6th Grade

Here we go. The book that started it all. Without precedent or fanfare came We Hate Everything But Boys in 1985. It was the simple story of Linda Berman and her two best friends who try, desperately, to get their "own-true-loves" to like them back.

According to Linda Lewis's website, WHEBB sold 300,000 copies (which I know, is like nothing compared to Twilight, but whatever). As simple as it was, something about the book spoke to pre-teen girls and thus, a series was launched.

Plot Summary
Just like 2 Young 2 Go 4 Boys, this books begins on the first day of school. Linda is looking for Jeff Davidson, "the most important boy in her life". We are given a brief recap of how the former Tomboy lost her heart on the basketball court when Jeff knocked her down and then graciously took her hand to help her up. Linda hopes that she and Jeff will be in the same sixth grade class, but oh fie! Jeff is in 6-3 (along with Linda's bestie: redheaded, voluptuous Darlene Mason) and she is in 6-1 with her other bestie: chubby and giggly Suzy Kletzel. Also in 6-1 are Harley Silver and Kenton Wolfson, Darlene's and Suzy's respective crushes.

After a flirtatious (?) run-in with their guys after school, Linda laments being an eleven year old girl in love with an eleven year old boy.

"Love!" giggled Suzy. "Do you really love Jeff Davidson?"
"Well, put it this way--I'm crazy about him! He's so cute in his lovable chubby way. He's got a great sense of humor and is always doing something that makes me laugh. When he smiles, it just sends shivers through me!"

The trio then decides to do the most sixth grade thing ever and start a club whose one goal is to learn how the boys really feel about them. They name their club We Hate Everything But Boys or WHEBB for short. Then they buy sailor hats and write the name of their crush on the inside. You see, they figure the boys will get curious about what "WHEBB" means and...start to like them...(Oh, sixth graders and their logic!)

Naturally, the plan backfires and instead of being mesmerized by the sailor hats, Jeff, Harley, and Ken steal them in a game of keep-a-way. The girls' secrets are revealed and everyone is humiliated. WHEBB decides to lay low until the whole thing blows over.

Weeks later, things seem to be okay when Jeff smiles at Linda from the pitcher's mound during a baseball game. However, Jeff has another admirer in snotty Sue-Ann Fein. And then Darlene gets sexually harassed by some older guys. She and Linda run away but Darlene is naturally upset that her over-developed figure brings her such negative attention. Linda reassures her that the other girls are jealous and in time, she won't stick out so much.

Over the next few months, nothing big happens. Nerdy Jan Zieglebaum has a birthday party without boys, so WHEBB starts prank calling their crushes in one of the bedrooms. They get in trouble. Then the sixth grade girls take an entrance exam for Huntington, a prestigious all-girls private school. Linda wants to do well on the test, but can't imagine going to an all-girls school and being away from Jeff.

After the first snowfall, she and Jeff have a snowball fight which brings them closer together. Linda gets herself invited to his birthday party, but then gets uninvited after getting into a fight about something so stupid and forgettable that I refuse to look it up even though the book is sitting right in front of me.

Then Ken has a party. A boy-girl party. (Seriously, drink every time someone has a party in this series.) Lawrence Carlson, a new and apparently "mature guy" likes Darlene. At the shindig, Linda is asked to dance by Jeff, but she realizes she has chicken pox and doesn't want to get him sick. (Yes, yes, she did the right thing. But if I had the chance to slow dance with my sixth grade crush, he would have gotten infected.)

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold...

Linda learns that she--and Jan Zieglebaum--passed the Huntington test. Of course, her parents, principal, and teacher, Miss Delaney, want Linda to go to Huntington but her friends want her to stay with them at 515, the pubic junior high. If only she had a boyfriend to help her make that decision...

As the school year winds to a close, Linda, Suzy and Darlene each buy an autograph book with the intent of getting their guys to sign their sixteenth page...which is meant for the one you love...and everyone knows this, according to Darlene, and if not, they're living in the dark ages. Darlene's is signed by Lawrence who she's decided is more of a man than Harley.

Linda succeeds in getting Jeff to sign her sixteenth page:

The door is locked; the key is in the cellar.
There's no one home but Linda and her feller.
(Jeff)

Seriously, I hope this graduation is the foundation of

your education whether you go on to Huntington or 515.
Your boyfriend,
Jeff Davidson

Then he turns right around and signs Sue-Ann's sixteenth page.

Yeah.

Not long after, Linda decides to go to Huntington, mostly because her parents stress the importance of education. Suzy and Darlene are pissed, but Linda claims nothing will change; they'll see each other plenty after school.

Hotshot Lawrence has a--you guessed it!--party to celebrate graduation. This one is formal which means Linda needs a new dress and, gulp!, a BRA. Lawrence orchestrates a game of Post Office and even though Linda is peeved at Jeff for jerking her around, she still wants to go in the closet with him. First she gets called by Marvin Haven who kisses her on the cheek and then Lawrence who gives her her first real kiss. Then she is called by Jeff!

He bent down and kissed me hard on the lips. I had just started to enjoy it when he started laughing again! I shoved him away. Enough was enough! He hadn't paid attention to me all night and now this!

"So that's your idea of a Special Delivery kiss! Well you can just call Sue-Ann's number from now on!"

"Hey, wait a minute!" He was still laughing.

"What?"

"Just this!" He bent down and kissed me again.

This time it was a real kiss. It was kind of awkward. It was not as sexy as Lawrence's. But you could tell meant it. I closed my eyes and wished it could go on forever. But neither of us knew how to make a kiss last.

"Better?" he asked.

"Much better," I said breathlessly.

And if that doesn't seal the deal for you, Jeff gives her note written on a napkin before leaving the party:

Open this up and you will see--

That I like you better than Fein,

really I do.

So, everything worked out for the best. Jeff likes Linda, not Sue-Ann. Lawrence likes Darlene, to hell with Harley. And Suzy...well, there isn't anything about Suzy, but one assumes that nothing ever happens between her and Ken. Semi-happy endings for all.

Sort of...you see, a few days after this party, Linda goes to a baseball game and notices a ninth grader named Sheldon who is hot. She forgets all about Jeff for a second and wonders if an older boy will ever replace her own-true-love. (My guess is yes if she's already thinking about someone else days after she kissed him!)

The novel ends on a sort of downer note. Linda graduates. She remembers everything she went through and then...

Closing exercises are over. I'm walking out of the auditorium. No one is holding hands now. I'm walking by myself.

Analysis
Christ, where to start? First of all, I've read We Hate Everything But Boys more than any other book. I had always been a, how can I put this?, romantically charged young lady. Some call it boy crazy, but I wasn't crazy for all boys or even several boys. I found one and then stuck with him for years--yes, years--on end. In the fifth grade, I didn't have any friends who were like me in this respect, so I turned to literature. On the bookshelf of my classroom's piddly library, probably next to a copy of Island of the Blue Dolphins, was We Hate Everything But Boys.

I devoured it in one sitting, much like I did yesterday for this review. For the first time, I found characters who felt what I felt. Boys were the whole reason they got up and went to school. Every waking thought was spent on that one guy. Besides this book inspiring my entire writing career, it also helped me through sixth grade.

That being said, WHEBB just doesn't do it for me anymore. Oh, I still like it and all, but you know...I sort of grew out of it. This time around, I couldn't help but cringe at some of Linda's behavior. And I was a little bit harsher on the pacing and plot points.

First of all, Tomboy Linda is gone. There isn't even one throwaway comment like "I used to be a Tomboy but now I love boys!!!" She isn't completely a girly girl; bras and periods still freak her out and she never misses the chance to be physical with Jeff...and by that I mean, she chases him, steals his stuff, and has two snowball fights with him.

Oh, Jeff Davidson...I do still like you, you irritating little shit. You like Linda, then Sue-Ann. You're nice, then you're a dick...Suddenly, my entire romantic life makes sense to me...

Anyway, analysis...Linda, Suzy, and Darlene start a club devoted to learning the true feelings of Jeff, Ken, and Harley. Great. I'm sure many a sixth grade girl has done something better. But the sailor hats? Fashion aside, why the FUCK would you write "I like [insert crush's name here]" inside anything you take out in public?? Seriously, they were just asking for it.

And along with this, I was so surprised how many people knew Linda liked Jeff. She cheers for him (and against her own class's team) OUT LOUD. Repeatedly "shapely legged" Rena and rival Sue-Ann tease her about liking him. Having been in the position of having everyone know who I liked myself, I can't understand why Linda doesn't just lie. Or act. I guess liking someone at PS 373 isn't as much cause for gossip as it was at Oakesdale Elementary circa 1999.

Anyway...analysis. I was also surprised by Darlene being sexually harassed. Following that scene, Darlene also describes a similar situation when a son of her mother's friend attacked her in his bedroom. I know it happens and probably more often to girls as developed as Darlene, but fuck, you don't find it in light-hearted YAF of the 80's. Who would think something with this cover would contain sexual assault?

Second edition cover. Circa 1990.

Now, about that ending...Maybe this says too much about me, but there is no way in hell I would have ever gone to an all-girls school. Especially not at age 11 and especially not if I had a "boyfriend" like Jeff claims to be for Linda. But we most follow our own paths and if Linda wants to do it, I'm sure it'll work out for her...

But that wasn't the only thing that irritated my eleven year old heart after reading and re-reading WHEBB. Sheldon. Sheldon. That random guy Linda briefly eyefucks. Just who is he and what is he doing disrupting my happy ending? Linda and Jeff are meant to be! Elementary love is pure and forged before hormones completely take over our common senses. Go away, Sheldon! Linda doesn't need your straight black hair and muscles and deep, post ball-dropping voice.

Oh. Oh, yes. I see now.

At eleven, I still hated the ending. I even ripped out the last pages so it ended right after Jeff gives Linda the note at the party. Seriously. I had to buy a new copy in 2006. So, after spending one year coming to grips with her romantic side and another year pining and chasing after the Jeff Davidson, Linda finally gets him. But already it's not enough.

Useless Character List For My Enjoyment

Linda Berman - Protagonist (1-4)
Suzy Kletzel - Linda's giggly best friend (3, 4)
Darlene Mason - Linda's mature best friend (3, 4)
Jeff Davidson - Linda's "own-true-love" (3, 4)
Marvin Haven - Creep from Linda's building (3, 4)
Ira and Joey Berman - Linda's twin brothers in the second grade (1-4)
Mr. and Mrs. Berman - Linda's parents (1-4)
Mrs. Birnbaum - Teacher of Jeff and Darlene's class (4)
Mr. Wohl - Principal of PS 373 (3, 4)
Miss Delaney - Strict teacher of Linda's class (4)
Harley Silver - Conceited and handsome crush of Darlene's (3, 4)
Kenton Wolfson - Harley's second banana; Suzy's crush (3, 4)
Steven Warshinsky - Nerd in Linda's class (3, 4)
Rena Widmark - Bossy girl with shapely legs in Linda's class (3, 4)
Jan Zieglebaum - Mousy, nerdy girl in Linda's class (4)
Lisa Finklestein - Snobby, beautiful rich girl in Linda's class (3, 4)
Sue-Ann Fein - Stuck up girl who likes Jeff (3, 4)
Roger Hall - Older bully who harasses Darlene (4)
Georgie Johnson - Roger's buddy (4)
Mrs. Zieglebaum - Jan's mother (4)
Mrs. Davidson - Jeff's mother (4)
Mr. Wolfson - Ken's father (4)
Miss Chester - Substitute teacher for Linda's class (4)
Lawrence Carlson - Mature sixth grade boy who likes Darlene (4)
Sheldon - Older boy that Linda thinks is hot (4)

Linda's Kiss List For My Enjoyment

Lawrence Carlson (4)
Jeff Davidson (4)

Jordyn's List: The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean (1972)

2011-12-22T20:12:00.000-08:00

Reverend LaSalle: "I shall pray for you, Bean. This land abounds in ruffians and varmints. Their numbers are legion, their evil skills commensurate."
Bean: "Piss on 'em."

I am almost willing to bet my toes that you have never seen or heard of The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean. Considering it's a star vehicle for Paul Newman, directed by John Huston, and written by John Milius, that is quite a fucking feat. But in spite of the big names attached (and for reasons unknown to me) it fell into obscurity, reduced to a footnote on the epic resumes of the three legends of film.

So how in the hell did I see it?

Call it Fate if you will, but The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean was one of the few VHS's my father owned and so it was watched alongside my Disney Animated Features. Ah, yes, another movie from my childhood. It is with a heavy heart that I admit TLATOJRB is the one and only western on Jordyn's Canonized List of Favorite Movies*, but let's see what makes it so damn special, shall we?

The opening title card states Maybe this isn't how it was...it's the way it should have been, as we watch Roy Bean (Paul Newman) cross the Pecos River; the thin blue line that separates law and order from rattlesnakes and bad men. At a nearby brothel/saloon, Bean is robbed by the bandits n' whores within and then dragged behind a horse and left for dead. With the aid of a pretty Mexican girl named Marie Elena (Victoria Principal), he takes his vengeance and then claims the brothel and land for his own and appoints himself as judge.

In the next ten years or so (they're never quite clear on when the film begins), Judge Roy Bean rules over the area with his guns, hanging rope, and loyal marshals -- Bart Jackson (Jim Burk), Nick the Grub (Matt Clark), Fermel Parlee (Bill McKinney), Whorehouse Lucky Jim (Steve Kanaly) and Tector Crites (Ned Beatty), who takes over as bartender and narrator.

It isn't until about halfway through the film when a plot presents itself; Frank Gass (Roddy McDowall), a lawyer from the East, comes to claim the land as the rightful owner. But before that, we get cameos from Anthony Perkins, John Huston and Stacy Keach and a lot of scenes with a bear (played by an actual bear named Bruno) that PETA would shudder at if this film were made today.

A character driven western is about as easily found as a plot driven indie film...oh SNAP! While most westerns are about a conflict (i.e. treasure hunting, taking revenge, killing Injuns, protecting Indians, etc.), The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean is a character study and not much else. While Bean is a fairly static character -- determined, stubborn, and a little egotistical -- the people around him, and more importantly, the town of Langtry, mature and grow where he cannot. Ironically, Bean waxes rhapsodic about bringing law, order, respectability, and civilization to Langtry, but with it, he loses his importance because he has an inability to grow with the town.

Along with westerns being very plot/action heavy, they are also sausage festivals. The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean isn't a glaring exception but it's take on male-female relationships is worth discussing. One of the more appealing quirks of the Judge is his obsessive yet endearing infatuation of English actress Lillie Langtry (portrayed by Ava Gardner in dozens of posters and in cameo). Time and time again he praises her beauty and talent without ever actually seeing her perform. But because he can't be with the one he loves, he loves the one he's with, Marie Elena, the senorita who saved his ass in the beginning of the film.

In my most recent viewing, I was surprised at how often her character was present on screen even if Victoria Principal isn't given much to do other than watch Paul Newman adoringly, disparagingly, or to react to the goings-on at the Jersey Lilly saloon. Marie Elena's acceptance of always being second to Lillie Langtry is both heartbreaking and understandable; the audience knows as I think she does, when it comes right down to it, the Judge loves Marie Elena more, but it's one hell of a trip getting there.

One could write a senior thesis on the representation of women in the American western, so I will try to keep my conjectures to a minimum. I only wish to say that this movie presents both Marie Elena -- who bears a bastard child to the Judge -- and Lillie Langtry -- a known mistress of Edward VII -- in a positive light and as creatures worth protecting and cherishing despite their hymenlessness.

Onto something technical...as for the audio/visual side of things, well, I watched a literally 22 year VHS tape on a 18 year old VCR hooked up to a 13 year old TV, so as you can imagine, what I've seen and heard wasn't all that and a bag of chips. However, in the case of westerns, the grittier it looks the better. As with all westerns made after the advent of color, it has a sepia tone overlaying every frame. The score is haunting, underplayed and not a bit bombastic until the ending where it is called for. Also, if I didn't mention "Marmalade, Molasses, and Honey" a cheesy Andy Williams Oscarbait song, I would kick myself. It's pretty awesome even if it doesn't really fit anywhere in the movie.

The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean is a deeper film than one may figure at first glance. As with any film, it is not perfect and suffers from a few pacing problems and a general meandering until the introduction of Frank Gass and the plot. However, it will remain my favorite western and a movie I will force upon anyone who mentions the genre to me.

*No, Back to the Future-Part III doesn't count.

Billboard #1 Hits - Introduction

2011-12-08T21:27:00.001-08:00

Even though my plate is full, I'm still hungry...so here we go with another series!!!

I have always been a little behind the musical times and I blame it entirely on my parents. You see, they grew up in the late 60's/early 70's so by the time I came along in 1988, they had long abandoned listening to "modern hits". For the first six years of my life, I was raised in a musical bubble that consisted solely of Oldies. To make matters worse, I was absolutely obsessed with Back to the Future and that pristine version of the 1950's that never really existed. I was against all things grunge and angsty.

But as the 90's raged on, I would find myself liking random hits here and there ("Waterfalls" by TLC and "Don't Speak" by No Doubt spring to my mind) but my radio dial was pretty much glued to 97.3 KBSG. This continued, miraculously, through the teen pop era (although I would rather slit my wrists than admit that I liked "Oops...I Did It Again" in those days).

It was around this time that I became obsessed with Billboard's #1 Hits. I don't remember exactly what brought the obsession on, but it happened and for Christmas 2000, I was given Fred Bronson's The Billboard Book of Number One Hits (Revised and Updated 4th Edition).

It fascinated me how a song could be the most popular thing in the world one week, but then was inevitably replaced by something newer and hotter the next. Certainly, some #1's, for better or worse, are instantly recognizable like "Kung Fu Fighting", "Like a Virgin" and "Lose Yourself" but do any of you remember "TSOP", "Monkey", or "Always on Time"?

That is the type of thing this blog series is going to explore. Much like my Best Original Song series, I will be listening to each #1 for every given year from 1955 (the beginning of the rock 'n' roll era) to the present and then grading each song on its listenability and (where applicable) its endurance.

Remember, opinions are like assholes; everybody's got one. I am no music expert and I have certain biases and tastes that will probably make me way more lenient in the 70's and harsher in the 90's. But if you don't like it, do your own series.

Also, like my Best Original Song series, I'm not going in a specific order, because God knows I would get stuck in 1957 and never finish. Therefore, I'll be picking the years at random...unless my lovely readers have a year to suggest...

The Most Important Night of Your Life Or: Junior Prom

2011-11-18T04:02:00.001-08:00

Written by: Patricia Aks

Publication: Scholastic - Wildfire #32, 1982

Original Price: $2.25

Purchase Price: $1.00

Unapologetically, I purchased this book for the cover (OMG, that pink dress!), title font (which is called "Christie" for all those curious), and publication date (1982). I did not read the blurb on the back before handing my dollar to the Value Village cashier. I was far too eager to delve into the YA masterpiece Junior Prom was certain to be.

The story concerns a sophomore named Amy--the most normal girl ever, according her friends. And like all sophomore girls, Amy has the most normal desire ever: to go to the god fucking damn hell ass Junior Prom. But for Amy to go, a junior must ask her and alas, she doesn't know any except for Jeff, the cute librarian assistant who would never ever be interested in a studious, bookworm like her.

But hope is not lost! There are three months until Junior Prom and Amy is sure to find someone. First there's star basketball player Grant, then aspiring rock star Len, and Hank...who is wild about gerbils...for some reason. Before each respective date with these young studs, Amy researches basketball, guitar playing and...gerbils to impress them enough to solicit an invitation to the JUNIOR PROM. But her plans naturally backfire as she focuses only on their interests in a completely obvious and cringeworthy way. Poor Amy is left without a date to the JUNIOR PROM. ☹

But wait, there's more! Jeff the Hot Librarian really liked her all along and asks her to the JUNIOR PROM in the last chapter! Yay, Amy!!! Yay JUNIOR PROM!!!

What a quaint little book this is. Quaint and completely aggravating. First of all, it's very obvious from the beginning that Jeff likes Amy. She's just too stupid to realize it and then we have 30 chapters of Amy chasing after guys we know she's not going to end up with. Sigh. Now I could sort of understand this if Amy was chasing after someone like Grant the Basketball Star, but come on, girl, Jeff works in a library. If there's one rule of YAF, nerdy guys are always easy to get.

Overall, I liked Junior Prom even though it, ironically, didn't include a single scene at the titular dance. The message is valuable in a sitcom sort of way: be true to yourself and your interests because there's bound to be someone else on this planet with the opposing reproductive organs who will like the same stuff as you. And hey, if he repeatedly tries to share those interests with you, there's a good chance he might like you.

Essence of '82 (Oh, boy LOTS of good stuff here!)

The library Amy frequents uses takeout cards. I think Oakesdale High School still uses these fuckers.

While trying to impress Grant, Amy reads a lot of out-of-date basketball information on Willis Reed (a former player and Knicks coach). He was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame in 1982.
On her date with Grant, Amy goes to see the "latest Woody Allen movie", although A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy (his only movie of 1982) wasn't released until July.
Amy and Grant later go to a hangout called The Disco where the music is "provided by tape."
Grant comments on a girl wearing a "gold metallic jumpsuit."

Amy is supposed to write an article on the history of music from "the Beatles, hard rock, surf rock, right through to new wave."
Len's (the music guy) favorite artist is Bruce Springsteen and he hates Punk.
Amy's musical studies including learning about Eddie Money and Meat Loaf and his double platinum album Bat Out of Hell (which has since gone 14 times platinum).
Amy wants an electric typewriter for her birthday to take to college.
After Amy and Len's date, they go to a friend's house and listen to disco music. Amy thinks it's "awfully repetitive" while Len thinks it "has lyrical content and is good to dance to." They later listen to a recording by new wave band Human Switchboard.

Amy's brother chooses a singer who is like a "young Bette Midler" for their band.
Amy and her friends watch 2001: A Space Odyssey on Home Box Office (that's what they used to call HBO, kids).
Amy's mother wants to see Annie on Broadway, which was in its original run from 1977-1983.
Amy takes her little brother to Popeye which was released in December of 1980.
Peace Breaks Out by John Knowles is a new release. (Originally released in March of 1981)

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Note: There is a sequel called Senior Prom that I'm pretty much ashamed to admit I want to read.

Updates!!!

2011-11-02T11:57:00.000-07:00

So, I've been a little lazy updating my videographies but this morning I felt inspired so here are the links to the new updated posts:

"Criminal" - Britney Spears
"Yoü and I" - Lady Gaga
"Somebody's Chelsea" - Reba McEntire
"Sparks Fly" - Taylor Swift

Your life is now more complete. You're welcome.

An American Girl in Saxony-Coburn Or: A Royal Pain

2011-10-26T15:50:00.003-07:00

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away I started a series on the Young Adult fiction I read as a, ahem, young adult. As of today this series has been revived by a lucky thrift store find!
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Written by: Ellen Conford

Publication: 1986, Scholastic Inc.
Original Price: $2.50
Purchase Price: 27¢

At one point or another, every girl imagines herself as a long lost princess. When our parents nag us to clean our rooms, when we can't afford that pair of $120 jeans, when the radio in our hand-me-down car won't work...we pretend there was some great mix-up. In truth, we were born to royalty and somehow switched with some lowly commoner. Sadly we are forced to deal with her petty white girl problems when we should be wearing satin ball gowns and riding in a carriage.

Of course it's all just a fantasy brought on by decades of Disney exposure. No girl would really give up her family, friends, and home for a life of glamour and pampering. Right?

Even though she was born in the microscopic European principality of Saxony-Coburn, fifteen-year-old Abby Adams is just a normal girl from Kansas. That is, until the day she learns she was accidentally switched at birth by a doctor drunk on elderberry wine. It turns out she is Dolores Theodora Marie Celeste, Princess Florinda XVI, heir to the throne of Saxony-Coburn.

Abby heads to Europe and is given the royal treatment. Her birth parents are all right and princess lessons are interesting. She even enjoys the media attention, especially from Geoffrey Torunga, a twenty year old journalist. However, Abby misses her basic freedoms and Dolores, her "twin", is not taking the switch well at all. And worst of all is Prince Casimir of Arcania, Abby's betrothed. His creepy amorous tendencies and hobby of taxidermy are major turn offs.

But Saxony-Coburn is broke and Abby's marriage will save the country from ruin. In a mere three weeks, on her sixteenth birthday, the wedding is set to take place. Abby must find a way to save herself from the horrid arranged marriage before it's too late. Geoffrey stages an assassination attempt and Abby escapes.

As you probably guessed, Abby is not really Princess Florinda. The evidence, a confession written by the drunk doctor, was really a forgery penned by an anti-royalist group. Dolores happily marries Casimir. Abby returns to the States with her family. Geoffrey writes her every week and plans on visiting in the fall (sure he will). And the story will soon be made into a miniseries.

I first checked this book out from the Whitman County Library back 2000 and was an immediate fan. In fact, this might have been my first Ellen Conford book. Conford is a drastically underrated author from the Golden Age of YAF*. Some of her other books include Dear Lovey Hart, I Am Desperate and Seven Days to a Brand New Me. Anyway, one of the reasons I loved it so was due to the innocent (but requited!) romance between Abby and golden Adonis Geoffrey. This time around I was amused by Geoffrey's...well, perfection. I mean, the guy has no faults! He speaks French and English, he was an Olympic downhill skier, he rescues her from the evil Casimir...sigh. No wonder I'm screwed up about men.

A Royal Pain is lighthearted and fun. Never for a moment do you think Abby is really Princess Florinda. You never fear that she will marry Casimir or that he will takes his husbandly rights every hour on the hour. You know it's one of those books that'll have a Just Kidding ending and Abby will be back in Kansas in time for dinner. And that's okay. We need simple rompy PG books like this one. A Royal Pain is great for a Disney Channel Original movie, and I say that with the utmost respect for Disney Channel Original movies.

We all known YAF is timeless, meant to be consumed by every future generation, but sometimes a few signs of the times slip through. Let's look at the 80's-isms found in A Royal Pain.

Essence of '86

Along with her clothes and personal items, Abby insists on bringing her stereo box (another name for boom box?) from America.

Abby wears leg warmers to stay warm in the drafty palace and there is no reference to her being a ballerina.
No VCR's in Saxony-Coburn. :-(
"Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees is played at the ball, unironically.
Abby roller skates around the ballroom while blasting a Def Leppard cassette tape. (It was most likely Pyromania released in 1983).

Abby and her family play Trivial Pursuit, which of course is still played today but reached its sales peak in 1984.
The miniseries version of Abby's story will star Morgan Fairchild (who was 36 in 1986!), the anti-royalists will be communists (yes, I know there are still communists, but I'll bet they're Russian communists), and her pet dog will be played by Benji.

Other references, not necessarily dated: Abby's brother watches Leave It To Beaver. Prince Albert (Abby's birth father) is a fan of Humphrey Bogart and Cap'n Crunch. Dolores has a stuffed Snoopy doll. Abby watches The Mouse That Roared (1955) on TV in French. Prince Casimir resembles Tony Perkins from Psycho. The Wizard of Oz is playing at the local movie theatre. Geoffrey says saving Abby is "just like Raiders [of the Lost Ark]".

*That's right, 1970-1986 = fucking Golden Age of Young Adult Fiction. You saw it here first, folks!

Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)

2011-10-17T02:04:00.003-07:00

What you have before you is perhaps the longest review of Some Kind of Wonderful ever written. Bathroom breaks will be needed. Read at your own risk.

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There's just no way around it. No one can write a proper review of Some Kind of Wonderful without first discussing Pretty in Pink. So let's grit our teeth and think of our favorite Hollywood celebrity while we go through this, okay?

In 1986, John Hughes wrote and produced a film about an arty and fashionable (but smart!) poor girl named Andie (Molly Ringwald) who (for some reason) starts liking dreamboat rich kid Blane (Andrew McCarthy). And (also for some reason) he likes her back. All would be fine and dandy if it weren't for Duckie (John Cryer) Andie's quirky and fashionable (but straight!) best friend who carries a not-so-secret torch for her. Also, Blane's typical asshole BFF Steff (James Spader) also (for some reason) likes Andie and gets jealous when she goes for Blane! Uh-oh!

Pop quiz! Who do you think Andie ends up with?

A. Duckie, obviously! He's the faithful best friend who's always been there for her!
B. Blane. I mean, it's Andrew McCarthy! No one was hotter in 1986 than Andrew McCarthy.
C. No one. Andie realizes she's only 18 and she'll find someone better in college.
D. Steff. He's rich. And everyone in the 80's is obsessed with upward mobility.

If you chose B, then you've seen the movie before, you cheater! Yes, yes...at THE PROM Blane confesses his "love" for Andie, and Duckie gives up and sends her after him. Then she and Blane make out in the parking lot as the credits roll.

While Andie the Character's decision making process could be discussed ad nauseam (and has), it is not important to us. What is important is that it wasn't the ending John Hughes wanted. He, all along, intended for Andie and friend-zonee Duckie to live happily ever after. But test audiences and studio execs and Molly Ringwald preferred Andrew McCarthy's Blane. Thus the ending was changed and in retaliation, John Hughes wrote a script where the best friend and the main character end up together. (Oops...spoilers).

Some Kind of Wonderful is the story of Keith Nelson (Eric Stoltz), an aspiring artist from a lower-middle class neighborhood. His best friend (and only friend, really) is Watts (Mary Stuart Masterson) a drumming tomboy from a broken home. But underneath her punky clothes and tough attitude, Watts is secretly in love with Keith and perfectly content to keep it secret. That is, until he falls for Amanda Jones (Lea Thompson), The Most Beautiful Girl in School. Alas, she is dating handsome, rich, philandering, materialistic jerkass Hardy Jenns (Craig Sheffer).

Does it sound kind of familiar so far? Yes, well, this is one of the many reasons people didn't take to SKOW. Most saw it as a gender reversed Pretty in Pink. Which I'll admit, on a bare bones level, it is. I could sit here and write an entire compare/contrast essay on these two movies, highlighting every Watts vs. Duckie and Hardy vs. Steff point, but that would simply show how these films are far more different than alike. So here is where we say goodbye to Pretty in Pink and concentrate solely on Some Kind of Wonderful.

So, after our initial introduction, Keith gets it into his head to ask Amanda out on a date. She says yes, but mostly just to piss Hardy off. Amanda's friends think she's gone crazy and insist she break the date with Keith and go back to Hardy. After all, this upsets their entire social structure. Ya!

Like several of Hughes' films, there isn't really a "plot". Characters just move through their day to day lives and conversations are what turn the tables and raise the stakes. Most of SKOW deals with the characters' reactions to the Keith-Amanda date. And the last third is the date itself.

Without much of a plot, characterization is fucking necessary and this film has it in spades. Even Hardy Jenns, the most easily maligned of our four leads has something to him. Usually we see the prom king at the top of his game, plowing his way through a field of freshmen girls without consequences. But Amanda dumps Hardy because of his cheatin' ways. His pride is hurt. How dare she dump him, the Hardy Jenns? While I think many would just move on, Hardy chooses to take a slow revenge. He made Amanda and now he will destroy her.

Hardy Jenns is one of those villains tailor-made for our hatred. He represents the worst kind of yuppie spawn while still being believable. And that's the kicker. While...ahem, similar characters seem like parodies of themselves, I truly believe there are manipulative bastards just like Hardy who walk the earth.

The Big Asshole on Campus is a teen movie trope we all know and love, but it must be discussed how Amanda Jones is not what you might think. Of course, when we first see her she seems like the typical selfish backstabbing slut-faced ho bag. Her early scenes concern fucking Hardy, sitting in Hardy's car while he torments Keith, sneaking back to school after she's fucked Hardy, and then shamelessly flirting with the driver's ed. teacher to get out of detention. Amanda doesn't do anything particularly bad but she's not a character we necessarily like.

However, she wins some points after finally breaking up with Hardy and accepting a date with Keith. Even when her friend Shayne (Molly Hagan) gives her an opportunity to weasel out of it, Amanda says she couldn't do something like that. (It just one little date, people!) After denying Hardy's attempt at reconciliation, he turns her friends against her and Amanda finds herself friendless and a social pariah. Her date with Keith is all she has left.

During the date is when Amanda really shines and where she gets to defend some of her flaws, which I will lazily put in quote form:

"I don't think anybody thought anything about me other than I look good standing next to him. And I went along with it because I'd rather be with somebody for the wrong reasons than alone for the right ones."

And later:

"I feel so terrible for what I've been doing. I hate feeling ashamed. I hate where I'm from. I hate watching my friends get everything their hearts desire. I gave in to that hatred and turned out what I believed in..."

So, the girl's got issues, but she owns up to her problems. She has every intention of changing her ways.

Admittedly, I hated Amanda Jones through most of my first SKOW viewing. Shockingly, I was on Team Watts so that came with the territory. But as Amanda became more sympathetic and not just a faceless cunt after Keith, I struggled. Being a likable character just made it worse. How could I hate her? I couldn't. For better or worse, Some Kind of Wonderful taught me that not all love interests/girlfriends/what-have-you's aren't all bad. They're just like you and I...only luckier.

At the center of SKOW is Keith Nelson, our atypical 80's teen movie protagonist. Just how is he atypical? For one, he isn't out to just get laid. Sure, it's crossed his mind, but Keith has a deeper interest in Amanda. Unlike Hardy and probably hundreds of others at his high school, Keith wants to discover the real person behind the perfectly coiffed hair. Here we have a character who appreciates physical beauty but knows without inner beauty, there is no point.

But even though Keith has a good heart, he's still an Outcast. As he says:

"I like art. I work in a gas station. My best friend is a tomboy. These things don't fly too well in the American high school."

Art is Keith's true love and for some reason, this makes him Unpopular. His sister claims he is "the weirdest guy" at their school. WHY? Okay, he likes art, but so what? It's not like he dresses like a "freaky art kid" if you know what I mean. He wears jeans and t-shirts, nothing that would attract negative or positive attention. In the crowd scenes at school he isn't harassed, just ignored.

As for the gas station, I find it admirable and impressive that Keith works there. It's obviously not his first choice but he embraces it and actually fixes the cars. We see he is logical/mechanical along with his emotional/artistic tendencies.

While Keith is a fine main character with depth and personality, I think everyone would agree that Some Kind of Wonderful is Watts' movie.

On the outside she's a tough-as-nails, slightly androgynous punk rock chick. She drums, she smokes, she wears boys underwear and she has no qualms about shoving a drumstick up your nose if you cross her. You don't fuck with Watts. But because this is a John Hughes movie, Watts is more than a stereotype. Underneath her leather jacket and baggy tank tops beats the heart of a loving, sensitive individual.

It's established Watts' home life is pretty shitty and she and Keith have been friends since at least the third grade. Although we are never given a window into the origins of their friendship, it's my belief that Keith was Watts' savior of sorts; she could go hang out at his home instead of at her own broken one. It seems natural she would fall in love with him as they entered adolescence.

As for Watts' tomboy image, it probably began as a way of fitting in with her one-off mentioned brothers and then became an easy guise. Watts feels for Keith so deeply it frightens her so she over-compensates by acting and dressing like a butch bitch. Unfortunately she is stuck in her own imagine and Keith doesn't think of her as a "girl". But that's the tomboy's lament; should I smile because I'm your friend or cry 'cause that's all I'll ever be?

Watts has the most interesting character arc in the film. Of course she is jealous when Keith mentions his interest in Miss Amanda Jones, but she believes he doesn't have a shot in hell. And there's no use fretting over something so unlikely.

Watts: "You couldn't score her in a million years. A. You're too closed up and shy to even approach her and B. she'd kill you. Chicks like her have one thing on their mind and you don't make enough of it to matter to her."
Keith: "You can't judge a book by its cover."
Watts: "Yeah, but you can tell how much it's gonna cost."
Keith: "Whoa, that's deep."
Watts: "You want shallow call Amanda Jones."

As SKOW continues on, Watts maintains her suspicion and jealousy. She's certain Amanda is playing some horrible prank to get her evil bitch rocks off. Watts and Keith eventually quarrel over it and we see that her jealousy is more than just romantic; if Keith dated anyone, let alone Amanda, he wouldn't have any time for her and she would be utterly friendless, cause let's face it, girlfriends don't like girl friends.

Then Keith learns of Hardy's plan to invite him and Amanda to a party after their date so he and his sycophants can beat the shit out of him. Keith, foolishly, still wants to go on the date. Watts agrees to help him prepare for it and offers to chauffeur the couple so she can be close to the action.

Mary Stuart Masterson's performance is like a soliloquy. No one but the audience sees Watts' love and jealousy and secret triumphs and painful realizations. The only character she interacts with is Keith and he's too caught up in his own shit to notice anything. The viewers feel closer to Watts because we have a deeper insight into her internal thoughts and we end up caring more about her than Keith.

There are so many wonderful moments in this performance, such as the scene where Watts tries to make Keith jealous by flirting with some random guy. Her bubbly out-of-character "Keith! Hi! What's up?" is great...

...as is her reaction when the guy congratulates Keith on his date with Amanda.

Of course the most memorable moment of the movie is the practice kissing scene. On the day of the big date, Watts asks Keith whether or not he feels he can deliver a kiss that will sweep Amanda off her feet and then offers her services as practice run. It's a great scene that is better watched than explained by me.

In a way, it's a little sad and masochistic; the only way Watts can get Keith to kiss her is to pretend to be Amanda. Perhaps it was her last little attempt to change Keith's mind about the date. Maybe if this kiss sweeps him off his feet, he'll call the whole thing off. No dice. However, the kiss is scintillating and my favorite in all of cinema.

In the midst of the love quadrangle action are subplots about Keith's social-climbing sister Laura (Maddie Corman), his budding friendship with skinhead delinquent Duncan (Elias Koteas), and most importantly, Keith's father (John Ashton) who rides his back about going to college. Oh yeah, to pay for this date with Amanda, Keith empties his college fund. His dad is reasonably pissed. And this is where the movie loses me a bit.

Right from the beginning of the film, we know Keith doesn't want to go to college. He wants to be an artist. Still, he works at a gas station and puts the money in the bank, probably to indulge his father. So it doesn't bother me when Keith decides to spend the money on something other than college. But Amanda? I mean, that's $4,200 (I read the production draft of the screenplay). $4,200 for one date. Granted, he buys her a pair of diamond stud earrings which, I dunno, is probably half of that? (Diamonds aren't my best friend).

This is where the materialistic 80's-ness really bleeds through. Keith intends to prove to Amanda that he's just as good as Hardy. But Amanda already knows that money ≠ good guy. Despite using him to get away from her D-bag boyfriend, we see plenty of Amanda's attraction to Keith's endearing charm. She knows he doesn't have money and she doesn't care. This is about Keith proving to himself that he is just as good as Hardy & co. and in the 80's that means $$$.

Watts dutifully drives the couple around but not without an attitude. In fact, she's downright snippy to Keith and tries to sabotage Amanda by hitting the breaks when the girl puts on her lipstick. Of course Watts' petty attempts do nothing even though she does get to say one of the greatest lines in cinema history.

"Break his heart, I break your face."

The first stop is a ritzy restaurant, then an art museum where a Keith painted portrait of Amanda hangs, and thirdly to the Hollywood Bowl. There Keith demands an apology from Amanda for using him. She snaps back that he is using her to get back at all the guys with more money and more power. Keith admits to the faux pas and they call it even. Then he presents Amanda with the earrings. Which again, THAT IS A HUGE FUCKING GIFT! That's like a 25th anniversary gift! Not a first date gift! In fact, no one should get a gift on a first date!

Sigh...whatever. Keith and Amanda kiss and are pretty much on their way to Couplesville. But there is one last stop: Hardy's place. Both Amanda and Watts don't want Keith to confront Hardy, but he insists it's something he has to do. By now Watts has thrown in the towel and waits beside the car as Amanda and Keith venture into a typical teen movie house party.

From here on out, SKOW is...how can I say this? just not...something. Hardy insults Amanda and Keith defends her honor, but the scuffle goes nowhere. Duncan and his thug friends arrive deus ex machina to take out Hardy. Amanda gets in two good slaps and she and Keith exit the house. (Is it just me or would it be cooler if Watts stepped in?)

Sigh...whatever. Then it gets...I dunno...something more. As Keith and Amanda walk towards the car, he has a sudden flashback of kissing Watts. Okay, what the hell brought this on? I mean, he just triumphed over Hardy, he has Amanda, why now?

Watts, defeated, says her goodbyes and apologizes to Amanda for misjudging her. She walks off with Keith watching her like she's suddenly Botticelli's Venus. Amanda recognizes his gaga expression and gives back the earrings.

"Remember how I said I would rather be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right ones? I'd rather be right. It's gonna feel good to stand on my own. Here. In your heart you wanted to give these to somebody else. Go. Go on."

And so the princess learns a lesson, and an invaluable lesson it is. In fact, I quote this to anyone in a relation-shit. I've often wondered what would happen if Amanda had not been strong enough to be single. How long would she and Keith go steady? Hmmm...Luckily we'll never know although it must be said that Amanda is now completely friendless. What happens to her?

Anyway, Keith kisses Amanda on the cheek and runs after Watts. As she walks down the street, wiping the tears from her face, she hears Keith calling for her. She turns. He smiles. He runs to her, picks her up and twirls her around. They kiss.

I will say this, Some Kind of Wonderful has taken us for a ride. The first time I watched it I didn't know who Keith would end up with or if he would end up with anyone. Let me repeat that: The first time I watched it I didn't know who Keith would end up with or if he would end up with anyone. Can you honestly say that about any other teen/romantic comedy? No, you can't...unless you're talking about an indie film, but that's a horse of a different color.

After watching this movie dozens of times, I still don't understand why Keith changes his mind at the moment he does, other than the fact that the screenplay requires it. Even I, who is in love with this movie, can admit that it's out of nowhere. While we see how clearly Watts pines for Keith, we never see him show the slightest bit of romantic interest in her. Maybe the kissing scene. But remember he's supposed to be pretending Watts is Amanda, so...

Don't get me wrong! Keith and Watts should be together! And I am thrilled with the ending. Much of what I love about Some Kind of Wonderful is what it isn't. I love how no Brat Pack or John Hughes alumni are in this movie! I love how there is no gross-out comedy or inane comic relief. I love that it's just a date between Keith and Amanda, not to THE PROM. (Although if it were a date to THE PROM, the negative reaction from the preppies would be more understandable). I love how Keith isn't a football player and Amanda isn't a cheerleader. And most of all I love how Watts doesn't endure the dreaded makeover montage. Just imagine if she did...

Instead, Watts remains true to herself and still wins the guy. She doesn't drastically change her personality either, but matures as a result of being forced to deal with another person within her and Keith's private association. And Keith, having been through an adventure himself, decides he was chasing after something that doesn't exist. Keith forgoes the materialistic desire of having gratuitous arm candy. Keith chooses the real woman who actually knows him and cares about him.

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 16

2011-10-16T02:19:00.001-07:00

Day 16 - A Sequel Song

"Judy's Turn to Cry" - Lesley Gore, I'll Cry if I Want To (1963)

You've probably heard "It's My Party". It's a short little story song about a girl having a birthday shin-dig. Her boyfriend Johnny is spotted holding the hand of a girl named Judy and now they are no where to be found. The girl decides to sulk and cry because it's her damn party and she'll cry if she wants to. Suddenly, Johnny and Judy return and she is wearing his class ring!

The song was a huge hit and remains one of the best known Oldies to this day. Yours truly even performed it at a talent show. [holding for your applause] Teenage Lesley Gore was thrust into the spotlight and briefly became America's sweetheart. And there is no way America's sweetheart could be left with a broken heart, so a sequel song was rushed into production.

Let's play a game. If a song came out today about a girl who's boyfriend dumped her on her birthday for another girl, what do you think the conclusion would be? Why she would kick his worthless, cheating ass to the curb, of course. And then she would meet another guy. A great guy with moves like Jagger and pumped up kicks. But this was not the case in 1963.

"Judy's Turn to Cry" begins with a recap of earlier events, but Lesley assures us that her tears were cried for naught because Johnny has come back to her. At another party, Johnny and Judy are making out so our narrator goes on the rebound and kisses another guy. Johnny sees it, get jealous, and punches out the poor sap who only wanted some lip action. Johnny still loves her and apparently, Judy is left to cry on her own.

Obviously, this song is a product of its pre-women's lib time. However, I'm certain that these types of shenanigans--girls throwing themselves at someone else to make their ex jealous--happen all the time. It's just not acceptable to write a song about it.

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 15

2011-10-16T01:54:00.002-07:00

Day 15 - A One Hit Wonder

"Bad Day" - Daniel Powter, Daniel Powter (2006)

After a much deliberation (and a long hiatus), I have chosen the top selling song of 2006 for this post. "Bad Day" is what you call a true one hit wonder meaning no other Daniel Powter song has since charted on the Hot 100. You would think that the artist with the biggest selling song of the year would go on to have a illustrious career but this is not the case. In fact, this isn't even the first time this happened; in 1958 Domenico Modugno top the year end chart with "Volare" and never again graced the pages of Billboard. I digress...

As you know, I pretty much ignored anything Top 40 throughout my high school years. But I was still definitely aware of "Bad Day". I liked it fine. Nothing to go through the trouble of downloading on Limewire though. I never minded the song until my senior prom. Some douche bag DJ actually played "Bad Day"...at prom. Yes, it was the #1 song at the time, but Jesus Christ, prom is supposed to be dancing fun happy times not a bad day. Unfortunately, it put me off the song and I totally blame the DJ who went on to play Chris de Burgh's horrendously soft rock "Lady in Red." Fuck him. Fuck him. He ruined my prom. (Not really). I digress...

Recently, I've been listening to songs from my high school days and I have grown fond of "Bad Day". While the lyrics are somewhat depressing, the melody is uplifting and I can't help but feel good when I hear it. I think the song had such an appeal because everyone has bad days. Duh. The song sympathizes with you but isn't pushing you into a dark corner of melancholia. Tomorrow will be better.

Fuck that DJ though.

A Message From Your Blogger

2011-10-10T01:07:00.001-07:00

I've been looking around this blog lately and it sort of sucks...Especially when it comes to my movie reviews, which are sentimental garbage and suffer from painfully extensive plot summaries and superfluous screen caps. So, I think it's time Popped Density went in for some liposuction and a face lift.*

You see, there's this blog I read, and the writer is doing a John Hughes retrospective. I have a very uneasy feeling that he will soon be taking a steaming dump on top of my favorite JH movie, Some Kind of Wonderful. I'm going on the offense and writing my own insightful, intelligent, critical (and yes, probably still insufferably sentimental) review of this movie before he can sink his fangs into it and suck it dry.

Some Kind of Wonderful will be my guinea pig. If I like what I do, then I'll continue to write my reviews this way...and probably fix the ones I've written. But if I don't like this new style, I have every right to go back to the good ol' way. Savvy?

Review to follow...

*Yes...still trying to find a layout that doesn't aggravate me within two weeks.

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 14

2011-09-11T23:15:00.001-07:00

Day 14 - An 10's Song

In our two year old decade, girl groups haven't had much of a chance to reinvent themselves or flourish. I think they're looking for a new crop of Pussycat Dolls...but that's about it. So, I have to cheat and skip on over to the country.

"Hell On Heels" - Pistol Annies, Hell On Heels (2011)

Now, technically, Pistol Annies isn't a girl group in the traditional sense because at least two of the girls can play the guitar, but whatever. The group is made up of Ashley Monroe, Angaleena Presley and the already famous Miranda Lambert.

Their lead off single, "Hell on Heels", is a gold-digger's dream. Each of the women sings unapologetically of the mens they've sucked dry and the booty they've acquired from the poor suckers. Haha, gold-digging is funny.

Musically, it's a pretty good song. Nothing that will get stuck in your head or offend the senses. But lyrically, the song doesn't sit right with me. But I know there will be a million country gurrls in their pink John Deere merch that will adopt this as their mantra. Thank you, ladies. Just what we need; more materialistic hoes.

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 13

2011-09-10T13:39:00.002-07:00

Day 13 - An 2000's Song

By the end of 1998, the world was pretty much Spiced out. The world, however, was not tired of the energetic pop sound. Boy bands and pop princesses gladly took the reins. While it makes sense for girl groups to flourish in this era, most did not. Anyone remember All Saints, Eden's Crush, or No Secrets? Didn't think so. The one exception is Destiny's Child, who's lead singer is some kind of superstar now. But since that group got their start in the midst of the Britney/Christina/Jessica/Mandy phenomenon, I've decided to go with another bootylicious girl group who didn't have the teen pop revolution as a spring board.

"Don't Cha" - The Pussycat Dolls (feat. Busta Rhymes), PCD (2005)

Even though I lived through the 00's, I did a pretty good job of ignoring what music was popular while I was in high school. As I've said many times and will say many times again, I don't really care for rap/hip-hop. And for about three solid years the Top 40 consisted of nothing but hip-hop. Continually, artists that are no use to me such as Ja Rule, Chingy, and Ashanti climbed the charts.

The Pussycat Dolls, formerly a burlesque dance troupe, mixed this hip-hop sound with pop and sexually suggestive lyrics about "loosening up buttons" and "not giving a [beep], keep looking at their [beep]". Often their songs would feature some established hip-hop artist like Snoop Dogg to show that they're, I don't know, legit? The original six members were Carmit Bachar, Ashley Roberts, Jessica Sutta, Melody Thornton, Kimberly Wyatt, and lead singer Nicole Scherzinger, but God knows who's in the group now. One skank could be slipped in for another without anyone noticing.

"Don't Cha" is the group's highest charting single to date. "I'm hotter than your girlfriend. Come over to the dark side. We give blow jobs," is the basic premise. Considering how many Goddamn girlfriends there are in the world, my mind is blown at the popularity of this song. I bet a whole lot of cheating victims hate this song. And mistresses love it.

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 12

2011-09-09T14:05:00.001-07:00

Day 12 - An 90's Song

By the early 90's, girl groups made a comeback. And I have no fucking idea why! Wilson Phillips, En Vogue, Expose, and Sweet Sensation dominated the early decade which lead the way for TLC and their juggernaut album Crazysexycool. In terms of musical importance, I should probably write about "Waterfalls". But it would be blasphemous not to go with the most popular and highest grossing girl group of all time. Are you ready to spice up your life?

"Wannabe" - The Spice Girls, Spice (1996)

I propose a social experiment. Walk up to any woman born in the late 80's or very early 90's and ask her the simple question: "Which Spice Girl were you?" Nine times out of ten that woman's face will light up with nostalgia tinged memories of butchering harmonies at sleepovers or on the playground.

I think the readers of this blog are old enough to remember the era of Spicemania when five English girls--Victoria Adams Beckham (Posh), Melanie Brown (Scary), Emma Bunton (Baby), Melanie Chisholm (Sporty) and Geri Halliwell (Ginger)--ruled the world with their insanely stupid lyrics, giant platform shoes, and inyoface GIRL POWER.

Their breakout hit was "Wannabe" a song about a guy who must "get with" the singer's friends before the relationship can continue. Yeah. Even if the lyrics are shit, The Spice Girls are responsible for (thankfully) shifting the hot musical sound from angsty wailing (Grunge, Alanis Morissette) back to airheaded pop.

No one can deny that The Spice Girls were a cultural phenomenon. With 90's Nostalgia chasing our ass like a mob of angry villagers, mark my words, The Spice Girls will be popular again. And actually, it's one trend I'm looking forward to making a comeback. Scrunchies not so much.

For the record, I was Scary Spice. [Pause for laughter]. Like every trend, I was late in the game, so I got stuck being the black one.

Carpenters Discography: Offering/Ticket to Ride (1969/1970)

2011-09-08T22:42:00.002-07:00

Popped Density is a blog about favorites. And yet, I have never fully delved into my favorite band: The Carpenters. Well, folks, that's about to change. For the next few weeks (or let's face it, however long it takes...) I'll be analyzing the discography of the 70's most famous brother-sister soft rock duo. (And if you mention Donny and Marie to me, I'll shank you.)

First, a little history. Richard and Karen Carpenter were born in New Haven, Connecticut in 1946 and 1950, respectively. In 1963, the family moved to Downey, California. Richard had been playing the piano for years and went on to study music in college. While Karen was still in high school, she began playing drums in the school band. By 1966 Richard and Karen, along with a third man, formed a jazz trio that went on to win the Hollywood Battle of the Bands. The Richard Carpenter Trio, as they were then known, were signed to a small record label where Karen's voice was finally "discovered". The record label went kaput, but the Carpenters were allowed to use the studio to record demos which they sent to many record labels. Herb Alpert, one of the owners of A&M Records, liked the duo's unique sound and signed them.

In 1969, the Carpenters released their first album entitled Offering; a sometimes awkward collection of original easy listening ballads, experimental jazzy tunes, and a few covers of golden oldies (although not considered oldies quite yet). Needless to say, the album did quite poorly and the lone single, a cover of the Beatles' "Ticket to Ride" failed to crack the Top 50. However, after the booming success of their next album, Offering was re-released with a new cover and new title: Ticket to Ride.

1. Invocation
At first listen, the 1:02 opening track is far too religious for a pop/rock album. Karen Carpenter sings us a Messianic hymn beginning with: For those whose eyes would see/ Render them in faith to me... I must admit if I was a record buyer in 1969, I don't know if I would continue listening. (Plus, Karen looks sort of like a nun on the album cover). The melody and multi-track harmonies are gorgeous, though and "Invocation" breezes by so fast, you're already into the next song before the holy notions get to you.

2. Your Wonderful Parade
Um....about Richard's singing...on the earlier Carpenters' albums, Richard sang the lead on a few tracks. Given the fact that Karen Carpenter has the world's most beautiful voice*, this is seems ri-goddamn-diculous, but Richard wanted a piece of the pie. Regardless of the vocals "Your Wonderful Parade" is bitingly condescending take on suburban life replete with a marching band drum solo at the close.

3. Someday
"Your Wonderful Parade" fades into "Someday", the first ballad to showcase Karen's haunting and mournful voice. Bombastic and somewhat lush, this melodramatic song has Karen begging some guy to wait for her when she is ready to love.

4. Get Together
The first in long line of Carpenters cover songs. "Get Together" was originally a hit for The Youngbloods in 1969. You've probably heard it before during a "hippie montage" in some movie or TV show. Another Richard sings the lead songs but with a weird wavy pre-Autotune thing.

5. All of My Life
This is easily one of my favorite tracks off of Offering. It's a sweet little ballad, not too showy but not too throw-away. I think it would have been a great choice for a follow up single.

6. Turn Away
Richard sings a "I will let you go, but I'll be here waiting for you" song. Not a bad melody, but it needs Karen's lead.

7. Ticket to Ride
Out of all the Beatles songs to cover, I cannot fathom why Richard chose "Ticket to Ride". Nor can I fathom why he chose "Ticket to Ride" as their one and only single form this album. The song isn't terrible, but it pretty much sucks the life out of the far superior original. While The Beatles' version is fun and, for lack of a better word, rockin', this one takes itself far too seriously and is treated with the grandiloquence of chamber music.

8. Don't Be Afraid
"...love is a groovy thing/It knows how to make you sing/And it fills up your life with sunshine and joy..." Why can't they make songs like this anymore? Oh yeah...the cynicism.

9. What's the Use
A Richard song about being lazy and why that's okay.

10. All I Can Do
Ehhhhhh...jazz infused song about a dumped woman. Ehhhhhh....they can't all be winners.

11. Eve
Yes, yes, yes! Love this song! Apparently, it was inspired by an episode of Journey to the Unknown (a sort of Twilight Zone show) about a man who falls in love with a mannequin. The lyrics aren't as specific as all that and could be interpreted several ways; I choose to see it as a song about a famous young woman leading one life to the cameras and another in private. But that's just me...

12. Nowadays Clancy Can't Even Sing
Another cover. This time the Carpenters do Neil Young. And with all due respect to Neil, still I ask WTF? WHY THIS SONG, RICHARD, WHY?!? Don't get me wrong, the instrumentation is on par with the rest of the album, but seriously, WTF, RICHARD?

13. Benediction
"Unto you in the voice of love through the song we sing an offering..." and so bookends the Carpenters' first album.

Final Thoughts

It's a weird album. There's no way around it. It does not surprise me at all that Offering was a huge flop. The few Top 40 ready tracks were either ignored or unrecognized and only one single? Is that how they did it then? I mean, no wonder...

As a Carpenters fan, I can appreciate it for what it is, but while listening to the discography (as one often does for their favorite band) I can't help but rejoice after I get past this one. The good news is, it gets better. After Offering's disappointing sales, A&M was ready to pull the plug on the brother-sister duo. Luckily Herb Alpert decided to give them another chance.

Favorite Tracks: "Eve"; "Don't Be Afraid"; "All of My Life"

Okay Tracks: Everything else.

Not So Favorite Tracks: "Nowadays Clancy Can't Even Sing"

1970 re-release with new album art.

* It's true.

Fairy Tales for Every Child: The Snow Queen (2000)

2011-09-08T22:35:00.001-07:00

Year Released: 2000
Country of Origin: United States
Run Time: 23 minutes.

How I Watched It: HBO.

Adaptation Accuracy: First a word about Happily Ever After: Fairy Tales for Every Child: Are you tired of European based fairy tales featuring nothing but honkies? Well, do I have an animated series for you! From 1995 to 2000, HBO aired a series of fairy tales with an ethnic twist or sometimes a feminist twist. Their Cinderella was Latina, their Little Mermaid was Asian, their Goldilocks was Jamaican...you get the picture. Much like Faerie Tale Theatre, famous personalities voiced the characters.

Third from their last episode, HEA transplanted "The Snow Queen" from Scandinavia to Arctic Canada making Kai and Gerda Inuit children. Robert Guillaume (who narrates all the HEA episode) tells us the beautiful and mysterious Snow Queen (Eartha Kitt, basically doing Yzma) made an evil mirror for her own amusement then she lost it, it broke, yadda, yadda, yadda...

Kai (Brandon Hammond) and Gerda (Taska Cleveland) are best friends and live in neighboring igloos. Gerda's Grandmother (T'Keyah Crystal Keymah) warns them about the Snow Queen who kidnaps naughty children. Partly from the mirror and partly from his adolescent need to prove himself, Kai goes sledding to impress the older boys and gets caught by the Snow Queen. She seduces him with her sweet siren song "Cool to Be Cold"...ugh.

Gerda doesn't meet a Witch or a Princess, but by God she does get an irritating Raven friend (Doug E. Doug). Then she's kidnapped by robbers, which plays out pretty average. Kai is working on the Eternity puzzle (Why? Because the original story calls for it, I suppose). After the tears and the forming of the puzzle Gerda and Kai attempt to leave. The Snow Queen throws an icicle at Gerda who then throws it back STABBING THE SNOW QUEEN IN THE CHEST! SHE DIES! Hands down, coolest moment.

Overall Likes: Inuit setting; Canoe; Stabbing.

Overall Dislikes: Lack of Snow Queen; No witch; No princess; Why is the crow always irritating?; "Cool To Be Cold"; Sassy Robber Girl.

Final Thoughts: Fairy Tales for Every Child continue to air on HBO every morning at 4:00 and 4:30. One Christmas break I watched them all for the hell of it. This one stacks up pretty good. I like the Inuit setting since 75% of the adaptations are African-American or Latino tinged. It's good for what it is, but quite incomplete. Seriously, they could have cut the song and added in either the Witch or the Princess.

The Snow Queen (1995)

2011-09-08T21:53:00.003-07:00

Year Released: 1995

Country of Origin: England

Run Time: 78 minutes.

How I Watched It: Netflix. Then I later found out the whole thing was on Youtube. Damn it.

Adaptation Accuracy - I'll be honest with you, dear readers. I had seen this version before and fast forwarded through most of it because it was that fucking awful. It would be cheating to fast forward this time around, so I came prepared. Throughout the film, I drank a mixture of Bacardi Torched Cherry and Lemon-Lime Gatorade, a decidedly unfit pair. And luckily, it made the film far more tolerable. In fact, it wasn't as bad as I remember it to be. Still not good, mind you. But it's not like that awful '86 Russian version.

Way up North lives the Snow Queen (Helen Mirren. Yes, Oscar winner Helen Mirren) who has an evil magic mirror. She plans to put it on the highest mountain peak so when the sun hits it, it will reflect away and the world will freeze from lack of sun. But since royalty never does its own dirty work, she sends her three inept troll toadies to do the job (Oh yeah. The Snow Queen controls the trolls). But faster you can say unfunny antics, the mirror is broken and a piece flies into the world. The Snow Queen sends her bats to collect all the pieces. (Oh yeah. The Snow Queen has bats in her Arctic home. But I guess if she can have trolls, she can have bats. I digress.)

However, the bats do not collect all the pieces because two are stuck in a little boy named Tom (Damian Hunt). His sister, Ellie (Ellie Beaven), grows worried when he turns mean and goes on a rampage of putting puzzles together. TOM and ELLIE. Because Gerda is the name of a fat old hag and Kay is a girl's name. Moving on...The Snow Queen takes Tom and he generously offers to put the broken mirror together. But after he finishes, she will murder him to remove the last two pieces.

I must pause to give this movie some due respect. We actually see the Snow Queen being evil (or at least having some evil intent). And the evil involves the mirror, making it more than just a reason to fuck up Kai, excuse me, Tom. Of course her plan is ridiculously stupid and reminiscent of Mr. Burn's plan to block the sun from Springfield.

Secondly, we finally have a decent reason for the Snow Queen to take Kai...arg, Tom and an even better reason to keep him alive. Let me tell you, the mirror is fucking huge and she needs someone to put it back together. Someone who isn't bumbling trolls.

All right, back to business.

Ellie's journey is also pretty accurate with little flairs here and there. The whole way she is accompanied by an irritating crow named Peeps (Hugh Laurie. Yes, Dr. House Hugh Laurie). The Witch needs the heart of a little girl to complete her Elixir of Life. Ellie disguises herself as a maid to sneak into the Princess's palace. The robbers are actually giant rats for some reason. And they have a song. (Why the fuck must the robbers always have a song?) Ellie escapes on a Cowardly Lion type reindeer who takes her to Freda (Julia McKenzie) the Lapland Woman who teaches the reindeer to fly. (Okay.)

So Ellie, Peeps, and Freda storm the palace. Ellie tries to get Tom to drink this heart-warming potion. But the bottle breaks, shit happens, a tornado (?) freezes the Snow Queen. Then Ellie and Peeps cry on Tom and he is restored to normal.

All seems well, but there's a sequel, The Snow Queen's Revenge. And no, I'm not reviewing it.

Overall Likes - Snow Queen's plan; Tom's puzzle skills; Snow Queen's plan for Tom; Adapted Witch, Princess, Robbers, and Lapland Woman; Good pacing.

Overall Dislikes - Name changes; Grandmother and other sibling; Fucking Jar Jar trolls; Why doesn't she kill them?; Peeps; That cat; All the songs; Especially the Robber song; Scaredy reindeer; Freda goes with them; Peeps' tears.

Final Thoughts - Please don't be fooled by my review, it really is terrible. Only those who are reviewing versions of The Snow Queen should watch it. Otherwise, it's just crap. It had a very Don Bluth type feel to it and I can't help but wonder what he would do to HCA's story...perish the thought, Jordyn! He's still alive. It could happen.

Through and through this is a kids movie made to entertain the most simple minded rugrat. The songs make you want to puncture your eardrums with a screwdriver. The voice acting and characterization are stereotypical and cardboard. And the animation is what I imagine Glen Keane wipes his ass with. Still, my biggest is beef is making Tom and Ellie siblings. This decision robs The Snow Queen of some of its magic and heart. Not being related to Kai, Gerda is under no obligation to go on a perilous journey to find him. But having the children tied through blood makes the quest necessary instead of just optional.

That and it sucks out romantic possibilities. :-(

Come on! They don't even look related!

Stories to Remember: The Snow Queen (1992)

2011-09-08T20:51:00.002-07:00

Year Released: 1982/1992

Country of Origin: Russia/United States

Run Time: 26 minutes.

How I Watched It: Netflix.

Adaptation Accuracy - Stories to Remember was a very short lived direct-to-video series where animated fairy tales were narrated by a famous actor/actress of the time. The animation is Russian in origin and my limited internet research tells me it was made in 1982. But it took ten years for the States get a hold of it.

Interestingly, this version of The Snow Queen is the first to be adapted from another adaptation. All of Sigourney Weaver's narration is from Amy Erhlich's 1982 picture book. Still, things are cut out and changed a bit.

The troll/devil is gone. The mirror belongs to the Snow Queen and it is her only friend. She grows very angry and lonely and smashes her mirror. She wants a friend and since Kai is all fucked up, she takes him.

The princess is cut from Gerda's journey and the crow turns out to be the Witch in disguise who helps her along the way. The Robber Girl has a mullet and is SUPER TOUCHY with Gerda. The Snow Queen lets Kai and Gerda go once she sees how much they love each other. It even melts her heart...and the rest of her. Yeesh.

By the time Gerda and Kai return to The City, they are actually grown up teenagers. And THEY MIGHT EVEN LIKE EACH OTHER!!! OMG! OMG! LOL! OMG!

The DVD I received from Netflix also has a Sigourney Weaver narrated version of The Wild Swans, which was similar in tone and animation to The Snow Queen. And, as a DVD bonus, there were two 23 minute features called What Makes a Good Story? where a middle aged man and two kids discuss basic story elements (like what foreshadowing is) and how they apply to The Snow Queen and The Wild Swans.

Overall Likes - Accuracy; Brevity; Snow Queen's motive; The Witch; Romantic implications.

Overall Dislikes - No Grandmother; No princess; Touchy Robber Girl; I'm melting! MELTING!

Final Thoughts - So...it was okay. Pretty much what I thought. Sigourney Weaver has a pleasant enough voice. However it loses major points for cutting out the Princess and Prince. Seriously, why?

Please forgive my shitty screencaps. :-(

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 11

2011-09-08T14:12:00.001-07:00

Day 11 - An 80's Song

Truly the biggest "girl groups" of the 80's were The Go-Go's and The Bangles, but since we're not dealing with chicks who play their own instruments, we'll have to dig a little deeper. Just as the 70's were barren, the 80's didn't prove to be much better. The Sisters Sledge and The Pointer Sisters had some hits and the Rick James created Mary Jane Girls are certainly a Spice Girls prototype, but were never anything big. Honestly, this blows my mind. In the MTV era it seems like a no-brainer to gather four or five hot chicks who can semi sing and have them prance around in a music video. Alas...we would have to wait another ten years.

"Venus" - Bananarama, True Confessions (1986)

If I'm being honest, I am not remotely familiar with Bananarama. I know they hit number one in 1986 with a cover of the Shocking Blue's "Venus". So that is the song I will be writing about today. The much better version was released in 1970 and also went number one.

The song about the goddess and her sexy goddessness was much better in 1970's. This version? Meh. What can I say about it? It's synthed to gills and desperately tries to be sexually sexy. Now it's used in razor commercials. Ha.

Bananarama (sorry, I have to go here, but DUMBEST BAND NAME EVER) was made up of three English school friends Siobahn Fahey, Keren Woodward and Sara Dallin. They were actually quite successful throughout the 80's in America and the UK. Perhaps you've heard their other big hit "Cruel Summer"? Anyway Bananarama differs from other girl groups because no one girl sings the lead vocals. All three women sing at the same time without harmonizing. It sounds, uh...okay.

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 10

2011-09-07T13:52:00.000-07:00

Day 10 - A 70's Song

I really struggled with the 70's. After Diana Ross flew the Supreme coop, nobody gave three shits about girl groups. The earlier part of the decade was dominated by the "singer/songwriter" sound. But by the mid 70's, the rise of disco left people wanting glittery outfits and choreographed movements again. Still, there are very few of these acts from this time. Most are one hit wonders so I decided to go with one of the bigger songs vs. a bigger group.

"Lady Marmalade" - Labelle, Nightbirds (1975)

Perhaps known for teaching the most important French phrase to America--Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?--"Lady Marmalade" is the story of a man seduced by a Creole hooker from New Orleans. Now back to his normal life, he is haunted by memories of the night spent on black satin sheets.

Silly readers, you though this was just a superfluous (but retardedly successful) song from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack, didn't you? No, no it was a number one hit way back in 1975 by the one hit wonder girl group Labelle.

Like several such still-together girl groups of the 70's, Labelle--lead by Patti Labelle and backed by Nona Hendryx and Sarah Dash--got their start in the late 50's. They had but one Top 40 hit in the 60's but still remained together. By the 70's, the group hired a new manager who suggested dropping their "oldies name", The Blue Belles, and adopted a new look of Ziggy Stardust meets The Funk. "Lady Marmalade" was Labelle's only hit and the band broke up shortly after.

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 9

2011-09-07T13:05:00.002-07:00

Day 9 - A 60's Song

The girl group sound exploded in the early 60's. Songs by the The Shirelles, The Chiffons, The Crystals, and miscellaneous other female trios and quartets steadily climbed the charts. It seems people couldn't get enough of sweet hooks and dreamy harmonies. Then a little band called The Beatles flew in from across the pond and changed everything. After the British Invasion, most popular artists from the early rock era fell to the wayside for a harder, more socially relevant sound. The only girl group to survive the changing times was the biggest selling American group of the decade.

"Love Child" - Diana Ross & The Supremes, Love Child (1968)

Out of all the Supremes songs "Love Child" is not the one that usually springs to mind. "Baby Love" and "Stop! In the Name of Love" hold that honor. I chose this one because it's such a freakin' weird song to go number one and to be a hit for group known for catchy little love songs.

"Love Child" is a story song of sorts told from the perspective of a tenement born bastard who wants to hold off on sex with her boyfriend so the vicious cycle doesn't continue. While uptempo, the song has an ominous tone to it. Maybe she's succeeds in saying no this time, but what about tomorrow and the next day?

In the beginning, The Supremes consisted of Diana Ross, Mary Wilson, and Florence Ballard. By 1968, tempers flared over Ross singing all the leads and Ballard quit. She was replaced by Cindy Birdsong and the group was renamed Diana Ross and the Supremes. The group had a few more hits before Ross exited to start a very successful solo career. The Supremes continued on with several line ups until 1977 when the group finally retired.

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 8

2011-09-05T21:32:00.001-07:00

Day 8 - A 50's Song

Coming up is a week long decade crawl from the 50's (the dawn of the rock 'n' roll era) to the 10's (you know, our two year old decade). Even though any old songs will do, I've decided to be know-it-all twat and add a little twist to my decade run. In the following seven posts, I'll be examining girl groups and their evolution. And to alleviate any confusion, I will only be writing about vocal girl groups, not all-girl bands so The Runaways, The Bangles, The Donnas, etc. will not be eligible. First a little bit of pre-history.

Girl Groups have been around since the 1920's. According to Wikipedia, the concept started as a sort of Vaudevillian joke: "Haha! Look, girls singing together. Yuk, yuk!" Although why this was funny is completely lost to me. By the 30's and 40's, sister acts such as The Boswell Sisters and The Andrews Sisters made people realize that chicks singing harmoniously was not something to be laughed at. This trend of "close harmony" singing continued into the 50's with The Chordettes ("Mr. Sandman", "Lollipop") and The McGuire Sisters ("Sincerely"). It wasn't until 1958 with popularity of "Maybe" by The Chantels that the girl group sound--which consists of one lead singer and backing vocalists--truly began.

"Born Too Late" - The Poni-Tails (1958)

Yes, I should write about "Maybe" because history makes it out to be the more important song, but damn it, this is my blog and I choose to write about a forgotten B-Side.

I was about seven when I first heard today's song on an oldies compilation tape entitled 32 Original Hits. Apparently, my father ordered it off of the TV one drunken night back in 1980. Fifteen years later, I was going through a bit of a 50's phase, so the cassette was bestowed upon me.

My Side 2 favorite was "Born Too Late", a simple song about being too young for one's object of affection and the pain of knowing it never can be. Being in love with an older guy was the subject of many a 50's song and I can personally say that this one kept me from liking an older guy until I went to college. It just sounded so damn awful!

"Born Too Late" reached #8 on Billboard's Hot 100 in September of 1958. The Poni-Tails--consisting of high school friends, Toni Cistone, Karen Topinka and Patti McCabe--released a few other singles before and after "Born Too Late", but had no other success. Sadly, very few girl groups of this era had more than one hit.

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 7

2011-09-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

Day 7 - A Song From a Movie Trailer

"Going Under" - Evanescence, Fallen (2003)

Perhaps you remember Evanescence*. The band was known for their pseudo-gothic metal/rock/rap songs which differentiated them from the crumbling teen pop movement and the ascension of hip hop to the Popular Music Throne**. They were pretty big in 2003 with their hit "Bring Me to Life" featured in the forgotten comic book movie Daredevil.

In 2006, months before the release of their second album, Evanescence's less popular single, "Going Under", was featured in the trailer for Tristan + Isolde. It was a tragic historical romance loosely based on the Arthurian legend of Tristan and Iseult, two starcross'd lovers externally conflicted by a love potion and Iseult's arranged marriage. The film, starring James Franco (ha) and relative unknown Sophia Myles is sort of a guilty pleasure of mine; a hot mess of historical inaccuracy, bad accents, and unlikable characters. But I luurvvve the trailer.

As far as movie trailers go, it's not that great from a critical standpoint. It commits the cardinal sin of movie advertisement by telling the whole story. Hell, the tagline is: Before Romeo and Juliet, there was Tristan and Isolde. You know that movie ain't ending happily.

Back to the song. "Going Under" is featured in the latter half of the trailer. It meshes the modern with the medieval, building the melodrama probably further than necessary. I liked the song long before 2006. But the song makes Tristan + Isolde's trailer one of my favorites.

* Yes, yes, they just released a new single.

** Something Kanye would be proud of: Between February 2003 to February 2006, only three white artists had number one hits. The songs? "This is the Night" - Clay Aiken. "Hollaback Girl" - Gwen Stefani. "Inside Your Heaven" - Carrie Underwood. Just sayin'. People loved hip hop in the mid aughts.

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 6

2011-08-31T13:18:00.000-07:00

Day 6 - A Song From a Musical

"I Still Believe" - Lea Solanga and Claire Moore, Miss Saigon (Original London Cast) (1989)

You all know how I feel about movie musicals, but what about straight up stage musicals? Well, it's not that different. I'm not what you call a fan. I have seen only one that I wasn't in or involved with behind the scenes. (A shitty summer stock production of Grease, for the curious). And by the way, I know how moronically ironic it is for me to have been a theatre major and not really give a shit about theatre.

Once again, I must say that I am not anti-musical. I just...don't...sigh. Anyway. The song.

I have never seen Miss Saigon, mostly because there is no film version. It's basically Madame Butterfly set during the Vietnam War. An American soldier (Chris) and a Vietnamese "bar girl" (Kim) fall in love and later on the soldier returns to Vietnam with his wife (Ellen) and learns the bar girl had his bastard child.

Some time in the first act, Kim sings about how she still believes Chris will return to Vietnam to get her and her baby. Meanwhile, Ellen sings about how Chris has secrets that she wants to understand and that she believes they will one day work out their issues and have a better marriage. Personally, I don't think there are enough chick-on-chick duets. (Or maybe there are and I don't watch enough musicals). Anyway, this song is well-written and fun to sing.

The Secret of the Snow Queen (1986)

2011-08-29T22:57:00.001-07:00

Original Title: Tayna snezhnoy korolevy
Year Released: 1986
Country of Origin: Soviet Union
Run Time: 2 hours, 16 minutes.

How I Watched It: Youtube. In Russian and I mean Тайна Снежной Королевы Russian. No English subs.

Adaptation Accuracy: I don't speak Russian but I can if you'd like. OW! No, not really. Boy, oh boy. This one was Russian. So Russian. Have I mentioned it's Russian? Okay, this version entitled The Secret of the Snow Queen is a musical (yikes!) TV adaptation, aired in two parts. So far in this little retrospective, it is the longest version and holy shit, does it feel that way. FOURTEEN MUSICAL NUMBERS!!! ALL SUB-PAR!

Once again...much like the Finnish SQ ('86), the plot summary will be my interpretation. However, this version is much more talky and so most is lost to me. Also, lots of musical numbers are sprinkled here and there. I'll do my best to avoid them.

Sigh...let's go from the beginning, shall we? Well, there's this Author (Oleg Efremov) who introduces us to the Snow Queen (Alisa Frejndlikh) who lives in a ZANY palace filled with ice skaters who dance around to disco music. Through a TV (?) she spies on Kay (Yan Puzyrevsky, who is too young for me to think is cute, BTW) and Gerda (Nina Gomiashvili). The children appear to live alone. While Kay is never mean to Gerda, he seems disconnected, almost as if he is too old to be hanging out with her. Then the Snow Queen sucks him through her TV.

Before Gerda sets out on her journey the Author gives her a match to melt the Snow Queen, if need be, I guess. Finally, after 38 minutes, Gerda leaves. She meets one of the Snow Queen's toadies who melts and then becomes a stone wall (?) where flowers flourish and tell her nonsensical stories.

Gerda eventually escapes and meets who I think is "Mrs. Autumn" (Vija Artmane) according to the IMDb credits. They talk for a long time. Gerda is given a shawl and she continues into a castle where she talks to the King (Vladislav Strzhelchik) for a LONG TIME.

Meanwhile, the Snow Queen is corrupting Kay and dancing around. Gerda heads to a cottage of Robbers (?) whom she dances with. After Gerda spots the antlers of a dead reindeer she yells at the Snow Queen who appears. They fight as they're flying through the air and Gerda loses the match. (Oh shit!)

When Gerda arrives at the snow palace she sees a Snow Stepford version of herself. Kay seems much more interested in Stepford Gerda. But the real life girl wins by literally yanking Kay out of his stupor. The Author shows up with the match and Gerda melts the palace and the Snow Queen.

Overall Likes: Kay is cute (...and I'm a pedophile); Older Kay and Gerda; Gerda's reactions while others are singing; Flowers; Stepford Gerda; The Snow Queen sure is in it a lot.

Overall Dislikes: Musical; Author there too much; Snow Toadie; SLOW!!!; The King; Bette Davis Snow Queen.

Final Thoughts: Well, at least it's not as bad as Heathcliff. I can't judge this one too harshly. After all, it could be really, really well written. I mean, should someone who doesn't speak English pass judgement on a Shakespeare play?

However, basically everything from the original is cut: there is no witch (unless it's Mrs. Autumn), no princess or prince, no crow, no robber girl. They did get the flowers...and...yeah...at least they got the flowers. The songs are godawful. And there is So. Much. Talking. The golden rule of fiction is Show Don't Tell but this movie has never heard of it. And it looks really crappy. Like it was made in the 1960's...but even the 1966 version looks better than this heap.

There I go judging harshly. It's only because I set myself up for disappointment. I thought this was one of those "lost versions" and when I found it to be available, my hopes went through the roof. Let that be a lesson to me. And I still have no idea what the Snow Queen's secret is.

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 5

2011-08-29T21:59:00.003-07:00

Day 5 - A Song Written For a TV Show

"If We Were a Movie" - Miley Cyrus, Hannah Montana: Songs From and Inspired By the Hit TV Series (2006)

First and foremost: I do not watch Hannah Montana. I've seen approximately five minutes of an episode and promptly returned to something much more prolific like a rerun of Full House. (Hold for canned laughter)

I discovered this song via Youtube while searching for Hey Arnold! episodes. Someone oh-so-cleverly mashed this song with clips of Helga and Arnold. I didn't even finish watching the video before buying the song on iTunes. It was then I discovered the song was by Miley Cyrus.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Eventually, I got over it because it's a fucking great pop song. For anyone who's been in the Friend Zone and seen Some Kind of Wonderful too many times, this is your anthem. I mean, that's not me, but I know many of YOU have been there, so I'm looking out for YOU.

I've never seen the episode(s?) this song has been featured in, so I don't know if Miley/Hannah is an actual victim of the Friend Zone or not. All I have is this clip. And yes, that is Dolly Parton.

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 4

2011-08-29T21:39:00.002-07:00

Day 4 - A Song Written For a Movie

"Scotty Doesn't Know" - Lustra, EuroTrip: Music From the Motion Picture (2004)

One of my biggest frustrations in life is when a song is put into a prestigious film simply so that prestigious film can garner one more Oscar nomination. What frustrates me even further is when that song has absolutely nothing to do with movie and appears only in the end credits. The song I am writing about today appears in its film more than once, is catchy as hell, and by God, deserved to be nominated for the Academy Award for Best Original Song in 2004.

I first heard "Scotty Doesn't Know" in high school and thought it was funny, albeit disposable. I figured it was Blink 182 or New Found Glory or one of those other flash-in-the-pan pop punk bands from the early aughts. Then when I finally watched EuroTrip, I was pleased to see it again. What I didn't know is that the song was specifically written for the film, and not picked up by producers looking for cheap laughs.

In the film, main character Scotty (Scott Mechlowicz) is dumped by his long time girlfriend Fiona (Kristen Kreuk, the actress who plays that bitch Lana Lang on Smallville). At the following graduation party, he learns Fiona has been cheating on him with the lead singer of a band who goes on to play a song that graphically describes their affair. It seems Scotty was the only one who didn't know.

EuroTrip is certainly a movie no one gives two shits about, at least not anymore. It has basically no stars save for Michelle Trachtenberg who was in Harriet the Spy back in 1996. Oh, and Matt Damon's lip-syncing cameo as the band's* lead singer. But the song, the great pop-punk pro-cheating anthem of "Scotty Doesn't Know" will forever live on as one of the greatest original songs ever written.

And because Matt Damon is hot...

*IRL "Scotty Doesn't Know" was written and recorded by Lustra, a band known for nothing but writing and recording "Scotty Doesn't Know". The song also appears on their album Left For Dead.

Snow Queen (1986)

2011-08-29T01:03:00.000-07:00

Original Title: Lumi-kuningatar
Year Released: 1986
Country of Origin: Finland
Run Time: 89 minutes.

How I Watched It: Youtube. Finnish version. No English subtitles.

Adaptation Accuracy - Forgive me, dear readers, for I do not speak Finnish. But, fuck, I wish I did so I could know exactly what was going on in this highly imaginative version of The Snow Queen. WARNING: Most of this summary is my interpretation, so I apologize if you are ever lucky enough to find this movie with English subtitles and I turn out to be completely wrong. Let's begin, shall we?

So it starts with some probably very helpful voiceover about a crystal which needs to be added to the Snow Queen's (Satu Silvo) crown when the sun and moon align at the right moment.

Then we cut to an idyllic scene of Kai (Sebastian Kaatrasalo) and Kerttu (Outi Vainionkulma) playing on a sandy beach. Kerttu discovers one of those wooden music boxes with a dancing ballerina. Inside, there are also these three glowing button things with the sun on them. Thinking nothing of it, the children take them and they are sewn onto Kai's winter coat. In the middle of the night, the Snow Queen summons Kai and takes him to her palace in the north, but when she spots the sun buttons, she throws them into the wild blue yonder.

Kerttu is depressed at the disappearance of her friend and goes looking for him. She arrives at the cottage of the Witch (Tuula Nyman) who was once a famous ballerina (I think). The Witch feeds Kerttu these heart-shaped candy things with rings inside them. Then she pushes Kerttu into becoming a ballerina, making her practice to the point of exhaustion. Having forgotten all about Kai and her mission, the roses on Kerttu's wallpaper come to life and warn her about the evil witch. Eventually Kerttu escapes and roses (other trapped ballerinas) are freed.

Kerttu then meets a clown (Esko Hukkanen) who suggests she look for Kai at the palace, but it's only the newlywed Princess (Juulia Ukkonen) and Prince (Paava Westerberg). Kerttu has found two of the sun buttons, which for some reason, pisses off the Princess, but she still gives her a coach and horses.

Next, Kerttu is kidnapped by robbers. The Robber Girl (Marja Pykkö) takes a shine to her. Kerttu steals a reindeer. This is pretty much just like the story except there's this awful robber's song. This is like the third Snow Queen adaptation to have a robber song. WTF?

Meanwhile, Kai is training to be some kind of knight at the Snow Queen's palace. He tries on the crown, gets caught, and then has to fight this man in a thong with a polar bear head. Seriously. Here is a screencap:

As Kerttu nears the palace, the Snow Queen senses the buttons or something and bitch slaps her with a blizzard. The Lapland Woman (Elina Salo) rescues her and explains whats going on, who the Snow Queen is, why she's taken Kai, and the significance of the crown and the sun buttons.

In the end, Kerttu storms the palace just as the Snow Queen is putting on the crown. She throws two of the buttons, but the Snow Queen, again, bitch slaps her. Then Kai, having come to his senses, throws the last button. The Snow Queen is defeated. The children return home and bury the music box in the sand and live happily ever after.

Overall Likes: The Music; Production design; Outi Vainionkulma as Kerttu; The Snow Queen's wig, Fab-u-LOUS!; Probably a plot that makes sense; Equal time spent in each segment; Fleshed out characterization of the Witch, the Princess and Prince, the Robber Girl, and the Lapland Woman.

Overall Dislikes: No mirror; Homo-erotic guards; Robber song.

Final Thoughts: I love this version. Unfortunately, its greatness may be in my head. Maybe it's not tied up in a nice little package...but if I could gather a plot despite the foreign language, that's gotta mean something, right? I'm feeling optimistic so I'm going to give the movie the benefit of the doubt and assume everything happens for a reason.

No, not everything is exactly like the original story, but this interpretation keeps what's important. It takes the story seriously. Not Schindler's List seriously, but there isn't a lot of wacky antics. In fact, SQ ('86) is quite similar in tone to 1985's Return to Oz, which I am all for. It gets "dark and scary" sometimes.

All plot points aside, it definitely has the best music in any version. The cinematography is also beautiful and I was quite impressed with the acting all around. Too bad there isn't a Region 1 release. :-(

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 3

2011-08-27T23:26:00.002-07:00

Day 3 - A Song From a Favorite Album

"Animal" - Ke$ha, Animal (2009)

Maybe I'm a little embarra$$ed that one of my all time favorite album$ is by the queen of drunk bitch anthem$. Or maybe I don't give a $hit. Ke$ha'$ debut record i$ full of tra$hy gem$ from the bigge$t hit of 2010, "TiK ToK" (don't $top, make it pop) on down to the fucktarded "Dino$aur" (hittin' on me WHAT!?) But my favorite? The overlooked title track and album clo$er. (That's my last $, I swear).

Judging by the title, you might expect "Animal" to be about what a wild and crazy freak Ke$ha is. Trust me, there are enough of those songs already. "Animal", at its heart, is a love song, a now or never song, a let's do it because this is our last chance song.

Animal the Album is a bit schizophrenic; most of the songs relish in glitter, sweat, and daiquiri flavored vomit. Then you have songs like "Hungover" and "Dancing With Tears in My Eyes" which show the "serious" side of partying. While both awesome, they are both downers, leaving us to believe when Ke$ha drops the tempo, the mood goes with it. Not the case with "Animal" which is slower and optimistic.

To me, "Animal" is the most sincere Ke$ha song. And personally, I think she thinks it's one of her greatest. After all, its also the album title. And a remixed version appears on her Cannibal EP, not a revamped "TiK ToK" or "Blah, Blah, Blah".

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 2

2011-08-26T19:42:00.001-07:00

Day 2 - A Song From Your Favorite Artist

"Tryin' to Get That Feeling Again" - The Carpenters, Interpretations: A 25th Anniversary Celebration (1995)

I could have chosen to write about any of the dozen top ten hits the Carpenters released between 1970 and 1975. Or, I could have chosen to write about one of their innumerable album track gems. But I'm going to pull out my E Cock by writing about an unreleased song that remained on some dusty shelf for twenty years.

Since Karen Carpenter's death in 1983, several Carpenters compilation CD's have been released. 1995 brought forth Interpretations which, as far as the band's compilations go, is pretty standard. However, this one boasted an absolutely gorgeous song originally meant for their 1975 album, Horizon. "Tryin' to Get That Feeling Again" was cut because, according to Richard, there were too many ballads on the record and the one recording they had was marred by the sound of Karen turning the music pages.

In 1976, Barry Manilow recorded a version that went to #10. The Carpenters recording was shelved indefinitely. But when one of the greatest voices of all time is forever silenced, little things like rustling paper fail to be a deal breaker. Richard reworked the song and finally put it out.

The song itself is one of the Carpenters' downer songs; the narrator wants to be in love again and mourns the disappearance of her feelings for her man. But it's not like "Superstar" is such a ray of sunshine. 1975 was the turning point year for the Carpenters. After Horizon, things went down a steady slope. Who knows if this could have been another top ten hit?

Revenge of the 30 Day Song Challenge - Day 1

2011-08-26T12:39:00.000-07:00

Ah, we just can't get enough of the daily challenges, can we, Andrew? This one will work much like the original 30 Day Song Challenge, only this time, it's personal.

Day 1 - A Song You Like RIGHT NOW

"Dead End Justice" - Dakota Fanning and Kristen Stewart, The Runaways: Music From the Motion Picture (2010)

From the first time I heard The Runaways's signature song "Cherry Bomb", I liked it. Then when the biopic was coming out, I decided to listen up on their discography. Let's just say I wasn't too impressed. Sure, the instrumentals and vocals were impressive, but there was just a lack of catchy hooks. As ignorant as that makes me, I like catchy hooks, damn it.

"Dead End Justice" is featured in The Runaways (2010). It caught my ear after, oh maybe the fifth time I watched it. You only hear a part of it in the movie. But the full version, at 6:40, is an epic of song. "Joan" and "Cherie" are wild and crazy juvenile delinquents who get busted and then try to break out of a "cheap, run down teenage jail". I like this version more than the original simply because the production is better.

Anyway, "Dead End Justice", with it's 70's teen angst absurdity has caught a hold of me. And I can't stop listening to it!

Faerie Tale Theatre: The Snow Queen (1985)

2011-08-25T23:44:00.000-07:00

Year Released: 1985

Country of Origin: United States

Run Time: 50 minutes.

How I Watched It: Youtube.

Adaptation Accuracy: First a word about Faerie Tale Theatre: From 1982 to 1987, actress Shelley Duvall produced a television series of live action fairy tale adaptations starring the celebrities of the time. It wasn't until season four when they did their version of The Snow Queen. (However, it must be said that The Snow Queen amazingly beat Cinderella and The Little Mermaid in the battle of air dates!) FTT is awesome. All the episodes are on Hulu. Check it out.

But how does The Snow Queen stack up? Pretty fucking great. This version is different from all the others because the Snow Queen (Lee Remick) is actually a benevolent character who takes Kay (Lance Kerwin) to her palace to teach him a lesson or two. Several times she states it is her function to be cold and bring winter to the world; she is not evil, she is necessary. It is quite refreshing to have the Snow Queen be more than just eeevil for the sake of being eeevil.

Meanwhile Melissa Gilbert gives us the best Gerda so far. The actress was 21 at the time of filming and I'm not quite sure how old she is supposed to be. (Often FTT cast actors far older than their roles called for. At age 30, Mary Steenburgen played Little Red Riding Hood!) Despite the age confusion, Gilbert offers us a likable and intelligent Gerda that could be eleven or sixteen.

The Princess and Prince story line is cut in favor of more time with the Witch or, in this version, the Lady of Summer (Lauren Hutton). This is the first time the Snow Queen is revealed to have another season for a sister. The tough and "streetwise" Robber Girl (Linda Manz) offers a nice contrast to humble and sweet Gerda, even if she is a little too nice to our heroine.

We get a couple of scenes of Kay actually interacting with the Snow Queen. In this version, he actually likes living in the cold palace even though it's slowly killing him. Kay is given several tasks during his stay with the Snow Queen. The last is a rhyming puzzle which he and Gerda solve together. The Snow Queen lets them go without conflict, which makes sense since she's been nice all along.

And finally, we may have some kind of romance going on! Kay gives Gerda a locket in the beginning and kisses her on the cheek after the journey. With the main actors in their twenties, it's hard not to press for some lovin'!

Overall Likes: Accuracy; Melissa Gilbert as Gerda; The Snow Queen's benevolence; Lady of Summer story; Robber Girl's toughness; The ending; Cheek kiss!

Overall Dislikes: No Princess and Prince; Weird Goblin wrap up.

Final Thoughts: Out of all the versions I've reviewed so far, this one is the greatest character study and has the strongest acting. Still, it loses points for omitting the Princess and Prince. If only it could have been longer...

Greatest Tales, Inc.: The Snow Queen (1983)

2011-08-25T21:55:00.000-07:00

Year Released: 1983

Country of Origin: Japan*

Run Time: 22 minutes.

How I Watched It: Youtube.

Adaptation Accuracy: It's 22 minutes long. How accurate can it be? Well, it tries pretty damn hard. This time the mirror is created by a demon, and a broken piece still manages to makes it into the eye aspiring flutist Kay. This time Gerda actually witnesses the Snow Queen taking her friend. The Witch is cut out entirely and three years pass before she makes it to the Robber Girl. Three years. I mean, fuck. Three years. That's some kind of record in these adaptations.

Kay is entombed in ice when she finds him. She plays his magic song and they escape. And how do they beat the Snow Queen? Prayer. Literally, they start praying and she starts vomiting pea soup and her head rotates 360 degrees. All right, not really, but that's how it ends.

Two awesome things about this adaptation: 1. Gerda's family thinks she's nuts even though she actually sees the Snow Queen take Kay. Usually, Gerda has no idea what's going on, she just leaves. 2. The Robber Girl! She tells Gerda to give up because men are nothin' but trouble. She knows. She had a boy break her heart. I don't think we've ever been given this amount of back story. Way to go, shortest version ever!

Overall Likes: Accuracy; Brevity; Nice Kay; Kay's music; Gerda's family; Doubt; THREE YEARS; Robber Girl's neuroses.

Overall Dislikes: Too much time spent before the journey; No witch; Prayers.

Final Thoughts: Honestly, I'm surprised there aren't more half-hour/Saturday morning cartoon/direct-to-video versions of The Snow Queen. I mean, Christ, how many are there of Cinderella? Public domain! Whatever. For 22 minutes, I can't really complain. This version is better than not. Since it's so short, I recommend checking it out on Youtube. Plus, there are some great old commercials advertising Return of the Jedi merch. Yub nub!

*All right, maybe it's not Japanese, but I couldn't find any information about this series. It's not even on IMDb.

The Snow Queen (1976)

2011-08-25T20:52:00.001-07:00

Year Released: 1976

Country of Origin: England

Run Time: 55 minutes.

How I Watched It: Youtube.

Adaptation Accuracy: Eighty some years since the invention of film and we finally have the first English language version of The Snow Queen. 1976's version was an hour long special on the BBC. It boasts real life actors in 2D animated backgrounds, kind of like an uglier version of Blue's Clues. But
you have to hand it to the BBC, this is the most accurate and complete version of the story so far.

Finally, we are introduced to the devil made evil mirror whose broken pieces have been integrated into all sorts of things including windows, spectacles and a lamp post which breaks into Kay's (Joshua Le Touzal) eye, instantly turning him bad. Once again, for no reason at all, the Snow Queen (Mercedes Burleigh) takes him and Gerda (Linda Slater) sets out to find him.

The pacing of this one is really good. It seems every ten minutes we are in a new segment. Each one is treated with equal importance. The thin moments are given some padding, and likewise, some of the fat is cut. Most impressive is the inclusion of the talking flowers in the Witch's garden. (A truly tedious moment in the story, Gerda talks to six flowers who each have a nonsensical story that has nothing to do with Kay). In this version, we are treated to two of these. It still comes off as pointless, but fans of the original narrative appreciate the gesture.

However, the characterization of Kay is a little troublesome. The first time we meet him, he has been pierced with the mirror. We never see the nice little scamp he is and therefore, we don't have much sympathy for him. We also flash over to Kay's progress six times as he works on the Eternity puzzle. But the Snow Queen isn't there. Sigh. And the finale? She catches Gerda in her palace and causes an earthquake. Both the Witch (David Battley. Yeah, a dude) and the Finn Wife use their magic to protect the children and then they find themselves back at home as if nothing happened. And Kay's still kind of a dick.

Overall Likes: Accuracy; Character development; The flowers; Flashbacks of the Princess's marriage ritual; The Finn Wife.

Overall Dislikes: Linda Slater; Lack of Snow Queen; No scenes of "Good Kay"; Anti-climax; WTF? ending.

Final Thoughts: The half animation/half live action is jarring and very crappy looking, but if you can get past that, you've got a pretty damn good version of The Snow Queen on your hands. Linda Slater as Gerda really sucks though; The worst kind of child acting with every. Damn. Sentence. Sounding. The. Same. The supporting cast is exceptional, though.

The Snow Queen (1966)

2011-08-25T15:49:00.000-07:00

Original Title: Snezhnaya koroleva

Year Released: 1966

Country of Origin: Soviet Union

Run Time: 85 minutes.

How I Watched It: Youtube. Russian version with English subtitles.

Adaptation Accuracy: While Russia's previous adaptation was faithful, but boring, their second attempt goes off the rails in by making it EnTeRtAiNiNg!!!! It gets a little bit convoluted, so bear with me. Once again, we start off with yet another narrator, this time the Storyteller (Valeri Nikitenko) decides he wants to be a part of the story. Kay (Slawa Zjupo) and Gerda (Elena Proklova) are his
students, who are raised by Gerda's grandmother (Yevgeniya Melnikova) but ARE NOT RELATED.

In comes the King's Commercial Counselor (Nikolai Boyarsky), an eeevil man in cahoots with a certain cold-hearted being. He wants to buy Grandmother's roses simply because they are rare. When she refuses, the Counselor swears revenge. In pops the Snow Queen (Natalya Klimova) who wants to take Kay...for some reason that is never quite explained. Kay refuses but grants the Snow Queen a kiss (on the lips!) instead. Batta-bing, batta-boom, Kay's heart is turned to ice and he follows the Snow Queen to her wintery realm.

This time, Gerda's journey is much changed. She never does meet the witch, so her first stop is at the palace of Princess Elsa (Irina Gubanova) and Prince Klaus (Georgi Korolchuk). They agree to help her, but the King (Evgeni Leonov) tries to trick Gerda and then enslave her to his Counselor. Luckily, the Storyteller saves the day (told you he wanted to be a part of the story) and Gerda continues on.

However, the Counselor refuses to give up now and convinces a robber to kidnap Gerda. (Why does he want her anyway? Ewww...) But the Robber Girl (Era Ziganshina) takes a shining to Gerda and the robber turns out to be the Storyteller in disguise! Oh boy! Eventually Gerda is set free, rescues Kay and has one last confrontation with the Snow Queen. This time, Kay and Gerda make it out of the palace first and then just continue to walk through the Snow Queen's storm at great difficulty...yeah.

Overall Likes: Ambition; Kay and Gerda's ages; The chemistry of the Princess and Prince; The Storyteller's tricks; The Robber Chief and the Robber Girl.

Overall Dislikes: No mirror; That goblin and inkpot; No witch; Those freakin' crows; The bumbling king; Weird animated moments; Magic skis?; The Counselor...seriously, WTF? and he just disappears; Anti-climax.

Final Thoughts: Unlike say, Harry Potter, where there's almost too information for a film adaptation, The Snow Queen is quite sparse in places. In fact, it could only benefit from some detail being added. The filmmakers behind TSQ ('66) definitely realized this, but at a price. The Counselor becomes the main villain. He has way more screen time than the Snow Queen herself, but also lacks a certain motivation. Yes, Kay and Gerda are rude to him and their grandmother won't give him roses, but Jesus,
this is a lot of trouble for revenge.

Also, while the Storyteller is a likable character, he is in the film a bit too much. The story should be about Gerda and her quest. The Storyteller horns in on her victory, making her seem like a little damsel, a Little Red Riding Hood to his brave and noble Woodcutter, if you get my meaning.

Plus, I just can't forgive the cutting of the witch. There's so much they could have done with that story line, but instead beefed up the Princess and Prince segment to fit in their convoluted Counselor shenanigans.

Still, it's a valiant effort and the film's heart is in the right place. I imagine this version wanted to distinguish itself from the 1957 animated film, which is apparently some kind of classic in Russia. I mean, just imagine how easily a live action Beauty and the Beast would fare against 1991's masterpiece.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 30

2011-08-25T13:16:00.001-07:00

Day 30 - Another Favorite That's Not Your Favorite Favorite

Since I started with a teen movie, I'll end with a teen movie. By my personal definition, I have five of these on Jordyn's Canonical List of Favorite Movies. Sadly, the one I will be writing about today is sort of on the chopping block. Meaning, the last time I watched it, I was a bit underwhelmed. Perhaps this post will help me sort through those issues.

The Girl Next Door (2004)

I was seventeen when I first saw this movie. My best friend Ashley's little brother (fifteen at the time) rented it. Being a fan of raunchy teen sex comedies, I was completely game. Plus, that prom king I was in love with said I would really like it. (Note: This is the only film recommendation he ever gave me, so I jumped at the chance!)

Matthew Kidman (Emile Hirsch) is a straight A over-achiever with political aspirations, but not a nerd. His high school career has been pretty boring, with his nights alternating between studying and hanging out with his nerdy friends Eli (Chris Marquette) and Klitz (Paul Dano). However, Matthew's world is turned upside down when the smokin' hot Danielle (Elisha Cuthbert) moves in next door. The two begins a friendship-bordering-on-relationship. However, things become complicated when Matthew discovers that Danielle was once a porn star.

I can tell you the exact reason why I liked this movie back in high school and college: Matthew was one of those really nice, well-meaning guys who was torn between his sexual desire and his morals. I respected that, but I knew how absolutely fictional it was. Any normal guy would jump at the chance to screw a porn star, right? I too was lost in the romance of Matthew's struggle. And it is a beautiful pay off. It's not until the end that they consummate their love in one of my favorite cinematic sex scenes ever!

So what's my problem now? Straight up jealousy. If nice guys like Matthew are going after porn stars, what chance do nice girls like me have? None. It makes me bitter. There, I said it. In the film's defense, they did a good job of showing Danielle as a normal, likable girl and not just some sex-crazed whore. Although they never touch on why exactly she became a porn star in the first place. (Knowing the stories of many actual porn stars, I doubt it's pleasant).

What we have here is a male adolescent fantasy. The best of both worlds; the freak in the sheets and the lady in streets. Just like Taylor Swift's music videos and John Hughes's movies give teenage girls an unrealistic view of love, The Girl Next Door gives an unrealistic portrayal of teen sex for boys. But just because Some Kind of Wonderful is equally improbable, does that mean I'm going to take it off my list? Hell no. I should just shut the fuck up. The Girl Next Door has much more to offer than its naivety; great editing for one. It's also much more complex than you would originally conceive it to be. Promise me, it's no American Pie.

Plus, Emile Hirsch is hot.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 29

2011-08-25T11:28:00.001-07:00

Day 29 - The Last Movie You Watched

Continuing my theme of movies about The Fame, I recently watched this number after months and months of seeing the poster everyday at my old video store. Plus, I liked the Oscar nominated original song. It was on Starz so I finally bit the bullet.

Country Strong (2010)

Six time Grammy winner and country music superstar Kelly Canter (Gwyneth Paltrow) is in rehab after a disastrous concert in Dallas where her drunken, five month pregnant ass fell of the stage. While in recovery, she has been having an affair with Beau Hutton (Garrett Hedlund), an orderly and aspiring country artist. Kelly's husband and manager James (Tim McGraw) decides it's time for her to go out on the road again, even when she is clearly not ready to do so. Opening for Kelly is another aspiring country singer, Chiles Stanton (Leighton Meester), a sort of perky Taylor Swift/Carrie Underwood princess. Love quadrangles, pills, booze, dead baby jokes....ah, The Fame.

Unlike rock or pop, country music isn't known for having their stars go bAt ShIt CraZY. (Or maybe I'm just ignorant because Behind the Music stayed away from country). Well sure, there have been a fair share of alcoholics and wife beaters, but not a lot of public meltdowns...save for B level star Mindy McCready (late 90's, "Guys Do It All the Time"). What I didn't know was that Kelly Canter was inspired by BRITNEY SPEARS. Had I known that, I probably would have sprinted to the theater.

Also Tobey Maguire was one of the producers. WTF? I didn't even know he liked country. Some fan I am.

Most of these films start with the artist's struggle to attain fame, then show how they deal with it, lose it, and finally end with them rising from the ashes in a glorious comeback performance. Country Strong starts at the bottom and doesn't improve much. Unlike Britney Spears, who is doing pretty good these days, Kelly Canter [SPOILERS] commits suicide in the last reel. And why? "Because fame and love can't live in the same place." Direct quote. Do you hear that famous people? You're fucked. Might as well end it now.

So maybe it's not the best message, but you have to give Country Strong props for going against the grain. More times than not these films end with the artist on top of the world and everything is hunky dory. But how accurate is that? Fame fucks people up, sometimes irrevocably. I could sit here and type dozens of examples, but you already know them. Kudos, Country Strong, for showing that fame is a hideous bitch goddess.

The Snow Queen (1957)

2011-08-24T12:21:00.003-07:00

Original Title: Snezhnaya koroleva

Year Released: 1957

Country of Origin: Soviet Union

Run Time: 55 minutes.

How I Watched It: Youtube. Russian version with English subtitles.

Adaptation Accuracy - After the opening credits, we meet a character not in the original story named

Ol' Dreamy (Vladimir Gribkov), a composite of the Sandman and Jiminy Cricket (seriously, the opening scenes from Pinocchio and this flick are eerily similar). It turns out Ol' Dreamy is pals with Hans Christian Andersen, and The Snow Queen is actually the product of our new friend and not HCA. And since we are good little children, he is going to tell it to us. (That intro lasts five minutes, btw).

Cut from this adaptation is the Devil. The magic mirror actually belongs to the Snow Queen (Mariya Babanova). After hearing Kay (Anna Komalova) say he does not fear her, the Snow Queen purposefully breaks the mirror herself to send a piece into Kay's eye. From then on, the story is very faithful adaptation that follows Gerda's (Yanina Zheymo) journey, meeting every character along the way. Only once do we flash to the Snow Queen's palace to see how Kay is getting along. (In the original, we don't even get this).

Then comes the end. Kay is tinkering with ice pieces, but he is given no specific duty to put together the word "eternity". Gerda melts his heart and all is well, except the Snow Queen returns! One of my biggest beefs with the HCA version is the lack of final confrontation between Gerda and the Snow Queen. In this one, there is a confrontation, but it consists of Gerda saying "He's mine, bitch!" and the Snow Queen fading away...yeah.

Overall Likes - Accuracy; Brevity; Snow Queen's motive; That dead bird; The fat prince; The princess's romanticism; The robber girl's eye make up; Bae; The Snow Queen's character design.

Overall Dislikes - Weird rotoscope-y character animation; Not enough of the witch; That robber song; Lack of confrontation at the end; slapstick.

Final Thoughts - This film was dubbed in English and re-released in the United States in 1959. It had an extended live action opening featuring Art Linkletter and more songs. One can only imagine the disappointment of watching this after one had seen Disney's Sleeping Beauty, released the same year. Then again in 1998, TSQ ('57) was re-dubbed with Kathleen Turner and Kirsten Dunst. That version also fell into obscurity.

It's old. It's Russian. It's a bit treacly. But hey, it was the first attempt of a film adaptation. There are bound to be a few missteps. I'm actually quite impressed by how much of the original is actually there. Han Christian Andersen's story is far from perfect. At times it is outright nonsensical and seemingly pointless. In these adaptations, I'm looking for some deeper meaning or a motivation. Why does the Snow Queen take Kay? Luckily, this version answered that question. Others, not so much.

The Snow Queen: An Introduction

2011-08-24T10:34:00.002-07:00

There are about a million fairy tales in the world, but interestingly, there are only about forty the main populace has heard of. Of course everyone knows Cinderella, Snow White, and The Little Mermaid (with much thanks to Disney). Little Red Riding Hood, Rumpelstiltskin, and The Princess and the Pea, are the next notch down, but you still know the stories. And finally, perhaps you might draw a blank on Bluebeard, The Brave Little Tailor, or The Red Shoes, but you've probably heard the titles.

The Snow Queen might garner similar head scratching. It is a tale by Hans Christian Andersen, first published in 1845. As one of his longest and most imaginative stories, The Snow Queen is often considered his magnum opus. It has been adapted to film/TV 15(ish) times. Just like my Wuthering Heights series, I will be watching these adaptations, comparing and contrasting them, and ultimately deciding on how entertaining and/or accurate they are.

This is mostly for my own enjoyment. I am currently writing a novel adaptation of The Snow Queen and I wanted to see the different ways some of the more difficult plot points were dealt with.

Plot Summary

Once upon a time, The Devil (sometimes a troll) creates an evil mirror that distorts the appearance of whoever looks into it, making them look ugly and magnifying their more unflattering traits. One day the Devil decides to take his mirror to Heaven so he can mock God and the angels, but the mirror instead breaks into a million pieces which are carried on the winds and fly into the eyes of the innocents, making everything they see ugly and bad.

Meanwhile, a little boy named Kay and a little girl named Gerda grow up next door to one another in a city. They spend their idyllic youth growing roses together on the adjoining roof between their buildings. Come winter, Gerda's grandmother (sometimes Kay's grandmother) tells the children of The Snow Queen, the mythical being in charge of all that is winter. She appears at the window and frightens both the children.

Not long after, Kay is struck by a piece of mirror. His personality turns sour and he is especially cruel to Gerda. One night, The Snow Queen appears again and Kay is taken to her palace in the north. She kisses him twice so he can not feel the cold and so he can forget about Gerda.

By spring, Gerda sets out on a journey to find Kay. After floating down a river, a benevolent witch finds her and decides to adopt Gerda against her will. To prevent her from thinking of Kay, the witch magically hides her roses and combs the girl's hair to help her forget. Eventually Gerda flees and meets a crow who informs her that Kay may have recently wed a princess. Gerda soon discovers that it is not Kay, and the princess and prince wish her luck by giving her warm clothes and a gold coach. But as she travels through the forest, Gerda is captured by robbers where she is imprisoned by the robber girl. Gerda tells her story and the robber girl releases her, sending her off with one of her reindeer. Lastly, Gerda meets both the Lapp woman and the Finn woman who offer some sustenance on the last leg of her journey.

Gerda finally arrives at the Snow Queen's palace, which is empty except for a frozen Kay. The boy is working on a puzzle to form the word "eternity". If he succeeds, the Snow Queen promises him all her power and a pair of skates. Gerda embraces Kay and her warm tears melt his heart. Kay begins to cry and the evil mirror piece it dislodged from his eye. The children dance and the puzzle pieces magically form the word "eternity". Without a final confrontation with the Snow Queen, Kay and Gerda leave the palace and return home.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 28

2011-08-18T15:29:00.001-07:00

Day 28 - A Movie With a Celebrity Crush

Iwas ten years old and at Sierra McCoy's birthday party. Sierra, a flirtatious girly girl, had recently begun dating my object of affection, Chris Knox. Needless to say, I was not thrilled to be there. After a routine meal at Pizza Hut, we huddled into a crowded van and headed to the movie theater. On the way, I sang "Wishin' and Hopin'" (from My Best Friend's Wedding) to myself as I formulated devious plans to split up Sierra and Chris. Due to someone's poor planning, the only semi child appropriate movie at the theater was...

Pleasantville (1998)

None of the other girls really gave a shit what movie we saw. They were still hyped up on sugar and grease. I, on the other hand, in my pubescent despondency, needed cinema solace. And a movie I vaguely understood to have something to do with the 50's was pretty much perfect.

David Wagner (Tobey Maguire), a single and lonely nerd, routinely escapes his dismal 90's existence by watching the 1950's sitcom Pleasantville. His twin sister Jennifer (Reese Witherspoon) is the exact opposite; an airhead slut who embraces her decade. One night while fighting over the remote control, David and Jennifer are sucked into the black and white TV world and and find themselves as Bud and Mary Sue Parker, the children of George Parker (William H. Macy) and his wife, Betty (Joan Allen). While David tries to blend in, well versed in the rules of the sitcom, Jennifer is reckless and brings some much needed color to the pristine and pleasant town.

Back in 1998, when I sat in that darkened theater, alienated from my friends, I found a kindred spirit in David Wagner. He was awkward and endearing and obsessed with the 50's, just as I had been just a few years prior. It was very comforting to find a male who felt the same way I did, who was chivalrous and romantic and could spout off trivia without shame. Plus, he's drop dead sexy.

This is the movie that introduced me to Tobey Maguire, my favorite actor and biggest celebrity crush. It pleases me very much that I got in on close to the ground floor. Tobey had previously done some TV work, starred in the indie Joyride (no, not the one with Paul Walker), and had a supporting role in The Ice Storm. But Pleasantville, the first of his nerdy-and-thoughtful-young-man roles, pushed him into the public eye and my hormonal ten year old heart.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 27

2011-08-16T09:00:00.001-07:00

Day 27 – A Movie You Can Quote Extensively

"How is he?"
"Well, he's sort of...wondering why you haven't told your parents that the wedding's off."
"I don't know. I'm still hoping for a miracle I suppose! I mean, how he could think my father and I would do such a thing!"
"I only minored in psyche, you understand, but...maybe Michael couldn't commit to this marriage so he created a delusion; produced an unconscious psychosomatic manifestation of...of, um...I'm better with food. Okay. You're Michael. You're in a fancy French restaurant. You order...crème brûlée for dessert. It's beautiful. It's sweet. It's irritatingly perfect. Suddenly, Michael realizes he doesn't want crème brûlée. He wants something else."
"What does he want?"
"Jell-O."
"Jell-O? Why does he want Jell-O?"
"Because he's comfortable with Jell-O! Jell-O makes him...comfortable. I realize compared to crème brûlée it's...Jell-O. But maybe that's what he needs."
"I could be Jell-O--"
"No. Crème brûlée can never be Jell-O! You can never be Jell-O!"
"I have to be Jell-O!"
"You're never gonna be Jell-O..."

My Best Friend's Wedding (1997)

Yet another movie I probably shouldn't have watched in my childhood, but watch it I did. Far too many times. That exchange from above? Yeah, I did that for my seventh grade interpretive speech, playing both parts.

It's the story of Julianne Potter (Julia Roberts), a two-faced, big-haired food critic who loses her shit when she learns her long time best friend Michael O'Neal (Dermot Mulroney), who was in love with her for nine goddamn years, is now engaged to the bright eyed and dreamy Miss Kimberly Wallace (Cameron Diaz). Julianne is ushered in as Kim's maid of honor and does horrible, not terribly imaginative things to stop the wedding before it's too late.

What makes My Best Friend's Wedding so damn quotable isn't so much one liners. There's a lot of monologuing or, at least, longer exchanges that involve two or more people. You don't just quote a line from this movie, you quote a scene. But for the sake of brevity, here are some favorite short ones:

"She has known him for what? Five seconds? Plus she's got millions of dollars. Plus she's apparently perfect, so don't go feeling all...all sorry for Miss Pre-Teen Illinois."
"Oh my God, it's the bride and the woman she'll never live up to."
"We'd be the vengeful sluts." "You can just call us eager."
"He's got you on a pedestal and me in his arms."
"No, no, no, no! I'm a busy girl! I've got exactly four days to break up a wedding, steal the bride's fella...and I haven't one clue how to do it."
"This is my whole life's happiness. I have to be ruthless."
"What I mean when I say annoyingly perfect, is that there's nothing annoying about her perfection. It's vulnerable and endearing and that is annoying shit."

I could go on, but I'll spare you. Just know this: I know this movie far more intimately than mere quoting. I know the choreography to the opening scene. Here's a picture of me and my poor cousins performing at a family gathering:

That's me in the middle with the really shitty wig. When I love a movie, I don't fuck around.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 26

2011-08-16T07:45:00.001-07:00

Day 26 – A Movie You Love That Many Do Not

Just like that "good movie" we hate, we all have that "bad movie" we love. But with most "bad movies" you will find a small cult following of people who love Freddy Got Fingered just as much as you do. You lucky son of a bitch. I have yet to find a cult for my favorite bad movie.

Archie Return to Riverdale (1990)

If you are my friend, you have watched this movie. If you aren't my friend yet, you will watch this movie. This is the price of my friendship: an hour and forty minutes of your time watching this craptacular made-for-TV movie based on the ever popular Archie Comics.

It's fifteen years since the gang graduated from high school. In the days that follow his reunion, Archie Andrews (Christopher Rich) plans on leaving quaint little Riverdale to be a big shot lawyer in The City. Archie's best pal Jughead Jones (Sam Whipple) is a divorced and neurotic psychiatrist. Sweet girl next door Betty Cooper (Lauren Holly) is a grade school teacher with a tool boyfriend and sexy Veronica Lodge (Karen Kopins), four times divorced, plans on finally bagging Archie. And that sneaky Reggie Mantle (Gary Kroeger) is in cahoots with Mr. Lodge to shut down Pop Tate's Choklit Shoppe! The gang must band together one last time to save their beloved hang out from a hostile takeover!

If you don't like Archie Comics, there is nothing in this movie for you. Nothing but some cheap laughs over the lingering 80's-ness of the whole thing and the horrid comedy tropes of the decade. It's not really a movie for kids, but more of a nostalgia fest for thirty-somethings who read Archie when it was more relevant. The Archie universe is such a clean and wholesome place, but this movie brings in some much needed maturity. There's sex (or sensuality), cussing, divorce...that's about it. No one is on drugs or gay or anything else that's in this awesome fan video:

Still, I love Archie and I love this movie. Sometimes there's just no accounting for taste.

Note: Archie Return to Riverdale (known as Archie To Riverdale and Back Again during its original NBC airing) has not seen a U.S. DVD release. A VHS version became available in the mid-90's and is can be purchased on the Archie Comics website. However, there is a French dubbed version in Region 1. Go figure.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 25

2011-08-16T06:50:00.005-07:00

Day 25 – A Well-Liked Movie That You Don’t Care For

We've all have one: a movie the whole damn world thinks is the bees knees, but you think is shit or tripe or overrated or just plain not-so-great. Everyone is entitled to their opinion of course. I'm sure no one will hold it against you if you didn't like The Hangover or the new Star Trek. But what if you detest an older movie? A bonafide classic?

It's A Wonderful Life (1946)

It seems that everyone is wet for this one. I, unlike the other six billion people on this planet, did not grow up with this Christmas staple. Sure, I'd heard of it--"Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings!"--and I'd seen it parodied on The Simpsons. But it wasn't until high school during my failed attempt to see all the Best Picture Nominees that I finally saw this supposed uplifting tale of the importance of a simple man's life.

I didn't like it. This is supposed to make me feel good? A man, one George Bailey (James Stewart) spends his whole life stuck in shitty New Bedford, working at the Building and Loan, constantly battling the eeevil Mr. Potter (Lionel Barrymore) and never, ever getting to go on one measly vacation? Not even a honeymoon with his loving wife, Mary (Donna Reed)? Well, one night, specifically Christmas Eve, George decides to end it all but Clarence Odbody (Henry Travers), a second class angel intervenes and shows George just what the world would be like if he were never born.

This poor man is used and pushed around and taken for granted...but no matter, he's made such a difference in everyone else's life! Without him, where would the New Bedfordites be? Get your panties out of a knot, I get the point of the movie: It's not all about You, give to others. But Jesus H. Christ, there's a limit to what one man can take!

Yeah, George sees the light and Everything's Gonna Be Alllllll Right. But that doesn't change how miserable the previous two hours were! That doesn't change the end where life just goes on. If this is such a happy-go-lucky film, why doesn't everyone pitch in and send George on that vacation he's always wanted? Exactly. It's not a wonderful life, it's a sad-sack existence of never getting a the one thing you want.

People love this movie and if you are one of them, good for you. I'm sure that it's helped many a sad soul on a Christmas night, so I would never wish it gone from the face of the planet. But most of it depresses me which a "feel-good movie" shouldn't do.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 24

2011-08-13T06:59:00.003-07:00

Day 24 - A Movie You Watch For Comfort Food

Truly, when I'm feeling like shit, the first movie I put in is Beauty and the Beast. But since that is my favorite favorite movie of all time, I'm not going to write about it now just in case Andrew has a "favorite favorite movie" category. So here is the close second.

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)

I discovered E.T. far too late in the game. Well, no one can really discover E.T. It's one of those movies that everyone knows about even if they've never seen it. And like all children in the VCR era, I was plopped in front of the TV with this movie playing at one point or another. But short of this one flickering memory, I hadn't seen it since cinephilia over took me in the early 2000's.

Then one day, a few months ago, I was feeling blue and wanted to watch something that I knew had a slow pace. Maybe one of those early 80's movies. E.T. is from 1982. Why not that? So I rented it. And I fell in love.

Everyone knows the story, but here it is for posterity's sake: A group of botanist aliens are collecting plants on Earth. Some guys with flashlights (the evil U.S. government) show up and the aliens flee, however, they leave one of their own behind. Soon after, a boy named Elliot (Henry Thomas) discovers the alien and names him E.T. (voiced mainly by Pat Welsh). Elliot then introduces E.T. to his skeptical teen brother (Robert MacNaughton) and his precocious little sister (Drew Barrymore) while trying to hide him from his mother (Dee Wallace Stone). Although he grows closer to Elliot, E.T. attempts to communicate with his home planet as the evil government tries to figure out just what the hell is going on.

What can I say? E.T. is just one of those classic movies that I really, really wish I had earlier in my life. Not only is it a great family film, it's just a great film period. (It was nominated for Best Picture even). I find comfort in its slow pace and messages of friendship and love. Plus, the early 80's clothing and trends. I'm particularly fond of the Dungeons & Dragons scene and when Elliot introduces his actions figures to E.T. (Haha, Boba Fett. The Empire Strikes Back had just come out!)

And sweet Henry Thomas...what a hottie you turned out to be.

E.T. kicks ass. Peace.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 23

2011-08-10T07:05:00.001-07:00

Day 23 – A Movie You Walked Out Of/Straight-Up Stopped Watching

I have never walked out of a movie theatre. It's my policy to stay to the bitter end if I've put down the money to see that damn thing...or if someone else paid for my ticket, then I feel obligated out of guilt. There have been a few I would have liked to walk out of. (Battlefield Earth. Don't ask.) And then there have been a few awful movies that I probably couldn't have gotten through without booze, but there is only one that comes to mind that I haven't finished sober.

Meatballs (1979)

I liked camp. I went to camp when I was a child. I was a counselor when I was older. I read a lot of camp themed books, most of which were set in the late 70's and early 80's for some reason. Little Darlings (1980) (set at camp) is one of my favorite movies of all time. I also have a weakness for anything made between 1976 and 1982, so by all accounts, I should go bat shit crazy over "the best camp movie EVER", Meatballs.

Nope. I shut it off twenty minutes in.

Here's what you need to know: Bill Murray plays Tripper Harrison the leader of the CIT's (counselors-in-training) at Camp North Star. A sad ☹ camper named Rudy (Chris Makepeace) is sad ☹ at camp. Sad ☹ music plays whenever Bill Murray talks to him. Hijinks happen. PG hijinks.

Okay, in Meatballs's defense, I watched it on a really shitty VHS tape from my video store. The tape needed to retire. It was fuzzy and buzzing and I couldn't really understand anything, but even so...I was freakin' bored! There was no real plot to follow. The characters were complete archetypes. Plus I don't like Bill Murray.

Love the clothes, though.

Sunfire Romance - Amanda (#1)

2011-08-10T01:34:00.001-07:00

So...have I mentioned I'm living in my parents' basement without my beloved movie collection? Well, I am. After scouring through their VHS's (yes, all the Star Trek movies) I must return to books. Luckily I have a decent book shelf of YA including a few of the beloved Sunfire Romance series.

What's a Sunfire you ask? You must have not have come of age in the 80's...or with 80's YA literature the way I did. A Sunfire is a young adult romance novel about a girl--whose name is always the title--who must choose between two men during an event in American history. Between 1984 and 1989, 32 of these novels were published. I have just finished the first one, so what the hell? Why not blog about it?

It's 1846, Boston, Massachusetts. Sixteen year old Amanda Bentley has a seemingly perfect life. Despite her mother dying when she was twelve and her father, Thaddeus, being a gambling addict, Amanda has found happiness with rich and dignified (but not assholish) Joseph White, the son of her mother's best friend. The two plan to marry...or more accurately, Amanda plans on it. Joseph simply asks her to "wait for him until he's done with school."

But Amanda doesn't get the chance. With some loan-shark types on his ass, Thaddeus forces his daughter to pack no more than two dresses and the two set out on horseback. While staying in an inn, Thaddeus decides, "Hey, why not join that Oregon Trail?" so they travel to Independence, MO, build a wagon, and then set out west.

It's been a while since I've read any book about the Oregon Trail, but man, did it suck! The same food day after day, sometimes no food, sometimes no water, blistering heat, freezing temperatures, disease, death...fuck, no wonder Amanda's such a bitch. Well, she sort of was before they even left Missouri, but wouldn't you be if your father forced you to leave your life behind at a moment's notice?

Yes, life is fucking grim on the Oregon Trail, but Helen Jorgenson, one of the only teen girls in the wagon train, remains upbeat. Helen attempts to befriend Amanda, but she is intent to stay surly and inward the whole way. Besides, any day now, Joseph will come riding up on his noble steed to carry her back to Boston. Also on the trip is meek and goodhearted "Melanie Hamilton-esque" Serena Hawkins who is possibly engaged to Ben Compton, the wagon master's son.

Amanda's thoughts of Joseph disappear when Ben starts sniffing around. Ben is one hot piece of ass, snarky and teasing, but ready to save Amanda whenever she finds herself in trouble. And he doesn't hate the Mormons and disagrees with slavery. In short, he's perfect for an 80's heroine...if only it weren't for Serena! As it turns out, they're not really engaged. Whew! Glad that was cleared up.

One of the backbones of a Sunfire novel is the love triangle. Supposedly, our heroine must struggle through the whole book before she discovers which of her beaux is best for her. There is no such struggle for Amanda. Joseph is absent after Chapter 2. Only his memory gives her trouble, but then Amanda rationalizes that he's probably forgotten all about her. Besides out west is no place for a proper Boston dandy.

Then I started to think Joseph might come after her after all. Wouldn't that be something? Amanda and Ben would be all happy after arriving in Oregon, about to get married and here comes Joseph! "My darling Amanda! I left as soon as I got your letter. I never told you how much I longed to live in Oregon, and here we are! Let us start a new life!" Alas, nothing like that happens. In fact, Joseph just sort of slips out of Amanda's mind.

By the time she reaches Oregon, Amanda is no longer a flighty little bitch, but a strong, determined young woman. On other sites I've seen criticism regarding Amanda's bitchiness. But if she weren't so hard-edged, she probably would have died somewhere in Nebraska. In the words of the great Stephen King: "Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold onto."

Quick Notes (for my amusement and later discussion)
# in Series: 1
Copyright: 1984
Author: Candice F. Ransom (Book 1 of 6)

Heroine: Amanda Bentley -- dark brown, naturally curly, waist-length hair; golden-green eyes.
Family: Thaddeus (father); Eleanor (mother, deceased)
Suitor #1: Joseph White -- milquetoast son of a banker. Light red hair, tall and thin.
Suitor #2: Benjamin Wesley "Ben" Compton -- charming son of the wagon master. Blonde hair that "glints like gold; blue eyes.
Friends: Helen Jorgenson, Serena Hawkins.
Enemies: None

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 22

2011-08-09T23:38:00.001-07:00

Day 22 - A Movie That Made You Cry

Pfft. It's more like what movie DOESN'T make me cry. Catch me on the wrong day and I might weep during Pee Wee's Big Adventure. [Cut to a scene where Jordyn is clutching her Spider-Man pillow whispering, "I just don't understand why he can't find his bike!"] I've cried during sad moments, happy moments, out of depression and relief and I'm never ashamed, no matter that my eyeliner is blackening my cheeks as I exit the theatre. So let's go with something I am ashamed of.

Bubble Boy (2001)

WARNING: This post contains spoilers for the ending of Bubble Boy, so read on at your own discretion. That said, Bubble Boy is a shitty, ten year old comedy that nobody really cares about, so there’s a good chance this warning will mean nothing to you, as you’re likely to never see it or care to.

Okay. I was thirteen. Hormones were raging. I can't remember exactly, but it might have been one of those days. My friend Ashley invited me over to watch it. She always had newish movies that slipped under the radar. At first, I was skeptical. Fast forward 76 minutes and I'm bawling on the floor.

The titular boy is Jimmy Livingston (Jake Gyllenhaal. Yes, Oscar nominee Jake Gyllenhaal), a child born without immunities who lives in a giant plastic bubble. By the time he grows into a teenager, Jimmy has fallen in love with the girl next door, Chloe (Marley Shelton), who is nice enough befriend him. Jimmy's over religious and protective mother (Swoosie Kurtz) disapproves of the relationship. Chloe eventually dates mullet-wearing douche bag Mark (Dave Sheridan) and agrees to marry him. Jimmy then sets out across the country in a home made bubble suit to stop the wedding.

So what made me cry, exactly? Well, Jimmy makes it to church right before Chloe says her vows. He rips out of his bubble suit--which will kill him, remember--and says "I'd rather spend one minute holding you than a lifetime knowing I never could." Then he kisses her, tells her he loves her and collapses.

"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" goes thirteen year old Jordyn.

And then you find out he's not really dead. His mother was a psycho who wanted to keep him safe from the world. He's fine. Jimmy and Chloe later get married.

In my defense, I'm a sucker for "crying over the dead body" scenes. It started with Beauty and the Beast and has snowballed ever since. I don't really think it needs explanation. I mean, they're dead and you can't do anything to bring them back...unless it's a movie. Then nine times out of ten, they come back through some kind of magic and then you really start to cry.

Sigh. I was thirteen. Leave me alone.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 21

2011-08-09T19:14:00.001-07:00

Day 21 – A Sequel/Remake/Reboot that Wasn’t Worth the Celluloid it Was Filmed On

I so desperately wanted to write about Heathcliff: a musical remake of Wuthering Heights. But then I remembered, through my hate driven narrative, Heathcliff is a filmed stage musical, not a movie. Damn it. I do not feel such hatred towards any other remake...or sequel...or reboot as I do towards that festering abomination. But rulz is rulz.

Red Riding Hood (2011)

The public domain fairy tale is subject to much remaking, retooling, and reimagining. Everyone knows the story of the girl in the red cape sent to her granny's house who is subsequently tricked by a cross-dressing wolf. And everyone's tired of it. To appeal to today's teenager, that story needs a complete overhaul--Tim Burtonesque edginess, sexual tension, and an unnecessary love triangle.

For all those things to work, Red Riding Hood needs to be not so Little. Teenager Valerie (Amanda Seyfried) lives on the edge of the deep, dark forest with her father Cesaire (Billy Burke), her mother Suzette (Virginia Madsen), and her not-as-attractive-as-Amanda Seyfried sister Lucie (Alexandria Malliot). Since childhood, Valerie has been in lurve with the humble (but dangerous and sexy) woodcutter, Peter (Shiloh Fernandez) but her parents want her to marry Henry (Max Irons) the son of a wealthy blacksmith. In the nearby village of Daggerhorn, all hell breaks loose when The Wolf murders its first human in years: Lucie. The town is sent into a frenzy to discover who the wolf is and many suspect Peter.

Also, Valerie's grandmother (Julie Christie) gives her a red cape.

With only a few plot elements--the titular riding hood, the wolf, the grandmother--the film should not have the right to call itself "Red Riding Hood". This film is merely a wolf in Twilight's clothing.

And here we go. Twilight: the whole reason for this movie's existence. Vampires are everywhere (or were? Is is dying down yet?) but what about all those on Team Jacob? How can those werewolf fans get their fix? I can only surmise that studio execs happened to remember that Little Red Riding Hood had a wolf in it and perhaps if they aged the heroine, they could make the wolf broodingly sexy. It practically writes itself! And what about that chick that directed the first Twilight movie? She's not doing anything, let's get her to helm this thing!

To make the film more "Twilighty", a love triangle is thrown in...kinda. In the first five minutes, we learn of Valerie and Peter's love, true and unwavering. Then we learn she is promised to kind and rich, but boring, Henry. (Because you can never have a wealthy, interesting fiancee in these things. Young girls must learn principles. Life will be difficult in your crumbling little cottage, with five bairns clamoring at your apron strings. To escape life, you husband may drink a little too much ale and spend a little too much time at the tavern with those lusty wenches. But it's okay. You did the right thing. You married for love...or that twitching in between your legs you thought was love...I digress.)

As an audience, we're supposed to like Peter more because THAT'S WHO VALERIE LIKES MORE. Never does she show an interest in Henry. Never. There is no conflict. Valerie never has a moment of "Oh no, I thought I loved Peter, so why am I having these stirrings towards Henry?" And so what if Peter might be the wolf? It makes him all the more sexy and appealing. There is no choice to be made here. If you ask me, they're both boring. They look the same too.

So when I say Red Riding Hood is a remake not worth the celluloid it was filmed on, I don't mean it's an outright oozing pimple on the face of cinema. It's more like a freckle; millions just like it with nothing to set it aside from the other live action "gritty" fairy tale remakes. It's a waste of time, without even a sex scene or gory death to recommend it.