Never Been Kissed (1999)

“That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around you becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person. And you realize that that person is the only person that you’re supposed to kiss for the rest of your life. And for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry, because you’re so happy you’ve found it, and so scared that it’ll go away all at the same time.”

-Josie Geller

Title: Never Been Kissed
Genre: Romance Comedy
Year: 1999
Rated: PG-13

Starring
Drew Barrymore as Josie Geller
Michael Vartan as Sam Coulson
David Arquette as Rob Geller
John C. Reilly as Gus
Plot: A nerdy, 25-year-old copy editor enrolls in a high school to write an expose on teenage life and ends up falling in love with her English teacher.

Tagline: The class geek just went chic.

First Viewing: 6th Grade (2000) at my best friend Ashley’s house.
Added to The List: Always been there.

Comments
I’ll never forget the first time I watched Never Been Kissed. I felt I related to the heroine on so many levels. After all, I had been stuck in Unrequited Loveville since first grade and I had yet to experience that joyous event that would allow me to cross the threshold into womanhood. It seemed like it would never come, and therefore, in Josie Geller, I found a friend with a shared experience. I was eleven.

It’s rather ridiculous for me to look back on those days at this ripe old age of 20. At that time my greatest fear was never being kissed. But for me (and I know for others), this movie provided a buffer. 25 became the cutoff. If I hadn’t been kissed by then, well…I would officially become freakish. I imagine The 40-Year-Old Virgin does the same thing for the sexually inexperienced.

Never Been Kissed was my favorite romance comedy for years. And, no it didn’t get bumped off because I was finally kissed. It still manages to touch me today, even if that experience has passed me by. There are, amazingly enough, many facets to this film other then rounding first base. Identity. Disguise. Second chances. Social standing…ahhh, so much.

Unlike The 40-Year-Old Virgin, whose main conflict is getting Andy laid, this movie’s conflict involves Josie Geller’s undercover work at a high school. She is (apparently) the youngest looking person working at the Chicago Sun Times and is sent on the mission by the editor. Her boss, slutty best friend, and lazy brother all think it’s a terrible idea. But Josie is determined to be a reporter, even if it means going back to a time that was a living hell for her. Contrived? Certainly.

Josie tries to settle into her stereotypically suburban high school. Immediately, the popular kids reject her and torment her. However, just as easily as she was rebuffed by the in-crowd, the nerds happily adopt her into their group. Josie is back in high school in nearly every way, including being smitten with the big man on campus, Guy.

However, Josie’s boss is not pleased with her story ideas, so he makes her wear a hidden camera so he can scan her tapes and find a suitable story. He also insists that she weasel her way into the popular crowd because that’s where the stories are. When that fails, Josie’s brother Rob, also enrolls at the high school, becomes popular in a day, spreads glowing rumors about Josie which immediately lifts her out of the nerds and into the popular group.

All this while, Josie has been falling for her English teacher, Sam Coulson. And he, at times, seems to reciprocate. This brings up the most controversial part of this film. Many viewers find Josie and Sam’s relationship to be entirely inappropriate because he believes her to be 17 instead of 25 and he “abuses” his authority as her teacher/mentor.

Personally, all this doesn’t bother me. Maybe it’s because I know she’s 25. Maybe it’s because I was underage at my first viewing and didn’t think it was such a travesty. Meh…still doesn’t bother me, but for those of you squeamish viewers out there, heads up.

Interspersed throughout the movie are Josie’s painfully embarrassing flashbacks to high school. Hygienically challenged and socially awkward, we first meet Josie while reading a poem to her not-so-secret object of affection, Billy Prince. Soon after, the impossible happens when Billy asks her to the prom. But as Josie is awaiting his arrival in her hideously metallic pink dress, Billy drives up in a limousine, with his stereotypically sexy date and throws an egg in her face.

With Josie’s nerd friends giving her the cold shoulder, she becomes enveloped in the popular group. Even Guy starts to warm to her and asks her to prom. Josie’s popularity has grown so much, she is even crowned prom queen. While dancing with Sam, she is about to confess her love and true identity when she spots Guy playing a cruel trick on her best nerd friend. The truth comes out. Sam rejects her, believing that she meant to entrap him in some sort of sex scandal. Josie is left rejected and without a story.

…or so it would seem.

Josie takes everything she has learned and presents it in a feature article. It explains her lack of romantic history and how she finally came to grips with her past and its repercussions. She admits to never being kissed and asks that certain person who was “hurt on her road to self discovery” to forgive her and kiss her on the pitcher’s mound at the baseball state championship, five minutes prior to the first pitch.

The article is extremely popular and draws a huge crowd. Josie stands on the pitcher’s mound, patiently waiting for forgiveness. The five minutes pass and Josie accepts that Sam’s not coming. But, in true rom-com fashion, he shows up just in the nick of time, before all her hope is forever lost and gives her the perfect first kiss.

I admire Josie for putting her ass on the line. In a way, she humiliated Sam by making him think he was a perv out to score some high school poon. By admitting her stunted sexual maturity, leaving her pride in his hands, and allowing gads of people to witness such a personal a private moment, I think she more than makes up for her deception.

I love Never Been Kissed because it shows that high school can still effect you after years have passed. Sure, most have forgotten and moved on. Many don’t remember certain conversations or events because they have been replaced with new ones. But some, like yours truly, remember everything and need some kind of closure or retribution.

It also addresses the importance of the first kiss to women. Certainly most women get their’s in their elementary/junior high years. But even if it’s on a pitcher’s mound, surrounded by hundreds of cheering supporters or in a smelly, janitor’s closet like…ahem…some people, it will never be forgotten.

Favorite Screencap

Josie's devastation...and awesome shoes.

Next Film: Titanic

The Great Mouse Detective (1986)

“There’s always a chance, as long as one can still think.”

-Basil of Baker Street

Title: The Great Mouse Detective

Genre: Disney (Yes, Disney is its own genre)

Year: 1986

Rated: G

Starring

Barrie Ingham as Basil of Baker Street

Val Bettin as Dr. David Q. Dawson

Vincent Price as Professor Ratigan

Susanne Pollatscheck as Olivia Flaversham

Plot: Basil, the most famous rodent detective, investigates the disappearance of a toy maker and its link to his archenemy, Professor Ratigan.
Tagline: London’s crime fighting ace on his most baffling case!
First Viewing: 3rd grade (1996) at “Hook Grandma’s” house. Added to The List: Always been there.

Comments
Yes, I know it has been forever since I have written a review, so I apologize if you are one of my devoted readers, dying to know what I think about the next movie on my list, The Great Mouse Detective. Rest easy, dear reader, for your prayers have been answered.

First and foremost, I love Disney. I just feel like it needs to be said. You can never say you love Disney enough. Specifically, I love the 47 (and counting!) Disney animated features. I own all of them on good ole’ VHS. (With the exception of Chicken Little and Meet the Robinsons, which were released after VHS went kaput.) I have had week long marathons and ranked them arduously. You know how much I love to rank. In fact, someday in the distant future, I may re-rank and dissect the DAF’s. This may be a shocking statement, but only 5 of the 46 Disney animated features make my list.

And The Great Mouse Detective is #5.

It’s kind of shocking, really. Even I am surprised at myself. Shouldn’t Aladdin or The Lion King outrank Disney’s 1986’s moderately successful animated feature? Or what about classic fairy tales Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty? Nope. The Great Mouse Detective.

TGMD was not one of the brightly packaged Disney movies I owned during childhood. My Hook Grandma had it amongst her random pile of grandkid friendly films. It was a standard whenever I stayed the night at her house. As I look back now, I can hardly believe that I liked it all. I liked princesses. And dancing in the forest/ballroom. And huge Broadway caliber musical numbers. TGMD lacks all of these.

So what exactly do I like about it? In one word, you demand? Characters.

Basil of Baker Street is based on Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s immortal British detective, Sherlock Holmes. Originally, he appeared in a series of juvenile fiction novels by Eve Titus. I have read none of them and have discovered, thanks to the good people at Wikipedia, that the plot of the film is entirely unrelated to any of the books.

The story begins when a toymaker, Hiram Flaversham, is kidnapped by a peg legged bat. His daughter, Olivia, witnesses the ordeal and seeks help from Dr. David Q. Dawson (Watson’s awestruck, bumbling counterpart). The twosome then inquires about Basil, who is hot on the case of his nemesis, Professor Ratigan. Basil is reluctant to help the adorable Olivia until he learns that Ratigan’s peg legged bat was involved. He is certain that the cases are intertwined and sets out to discover the answers.
I’m not really a mystery fan. The trouble with the mystery genre is that once you know the answer, the story becomes dull. And as truly entertaining as TGMD is, the mystery isn’t that complex and becomes more and more obvious with each repeat viewing. But, like I said before, it’s not the story, it’s the characters.

Basil is arrogant, but he has the goods to back it up. How can you not like (or at least respect) someone who can figure out the location of a seedy pub from a simple piece of paper? Dawson is so bumbling and loyal and genuinely good hearted, but isn’t exactly the most helpful sidekick in the Disney canon. Still, I can’t imagine the movie without him. And then there’s little Olivia, the token child character of the film. She’s sweet, endearing and precocious, so it’s difficult to not like her (even though Basil tries his damndest). Plus she has a Scottish accent. Irresistible.
Then there’s the villains…Ratigan (voiced by Vincent Price) is a typical goatee stroking menace, intent on ruling the British rodent Empire. Fidget, his peg legged, dimwitted sidekick. And Felicia, Ratigan’s giant feline pet who eats his victims whenever he is displeased. The most interesting thing about Ratigan, is his desire to be a mouse. This arises many questions. Where is the rat population in London? Why is it so desirous to be a mouse? Are the mice like white people and the rats like black people in the 19th century? Is Ratigan half rat, half mouse? What is Ratigan’s back story? And another thing...aren't rats bigger than mice? Couldn't they take over without political schemes?
Hopefully, these are questions I will never know the answers to. Not unless Disney starts commissioning direct-to-video sequels again. [Shudder].
Like I said before, TGMD isn’t known for its songs. There are three to be exact. And my favorite is “Let Me Be Good to You” sung by Melissa Manchester. It is an entirely superfluous song that is played while Basil and Dawson are undercover at the seamy pub. While trying to find clues, a sexy mousette in a blue showgirl costume dances suggestively on stage and sings PG rated lyrics. It’s probably the most risqué scene in any Disney movie. And it’s still rated G.
The last thing I have to cover in my review is TGMD’s use of computer generated imagery. It was the first of the DAF’s to utilize this technology in a big way. (The Black Cauldron was the first to use it at all. Check out Eilonwy’s bauble. Oooh!)
But, more impressively, the gears in the final Big Ben battle were created with computer animation, allowing the characters to interact in a more complex background. And it still looks good today.
The Great Mouse Detective is my fifth favorite Disney movie for reasons that are quite enigmatic. The story is so-so, as is the music. But I love the characters. I suppose that’s all it takes sometimes.

Favorite Screencap

Smile everyone!

Next Film: Never Been Kissed

The Wedding Singer (1998)

Holly: “Come on, there’s gotta be a little tongue.” Julia: “Well, maybe a little tongue. Not porno tongue. Church tongue.”

Title: The Wedding Singer

Genre: Romance Comedy

Year: 1998

Rated: PG-13

Starring

Adam Sandler as Robbie Hart

Drew Barrymore as Julia Sullivan

Matthew Glave as Glen Gulia

Christine Taylor as Holly Sullivan
Plot: After a wedding singer is left at the altar, he befriends an affianced waitress and unintentionally falls in love with her.
Tagline: He’s gonna party like it’s 1985.
First Viewing: 6th Grade (a.k.a. 2000) on TNT or TBS. Added to The List: Always been there.

Comments As a movie romantic, I am thrilled to get to the first official romance comedy on my list. You’ll be surprised to learn that there’s only a few “official romance comedies” on the list. I think 5. We can debate about Shrek’s rom-com-ness if you’d like, but personally, I’d rather write about The Wedding Singer.

I first saw it in the 6th grade, smack dab in the middle of my “I only like and watch romantic movies or movies with strong romantic plotlines” phase. It’s a phase I’m thrilled to be out of, let me tell you. But while I was in it, clichés were all I ever needed.
The Wedding Singer is extremely simple, entirely cliché and absolutely predictable. There are no twists and turns that you don’t see coming. There are no characters you haven’t already met. Some of the dialogue can even be recited with a first time viewing. But none of that matters to me. I fucking love it and I know I’m not the only one. 

The story concerns Robbie Hart, a hopeless romantic, good guy, boy next door who left behind his rock ‘n’ roll aspirations to be a wedding singer. On the eve of his own wedding, he meets Julia Sullivan, a hopeless romantic, good girl, girl next door who’s been engaged to a stock broker for three years. On Robbie’s big day, his uber-skank fiancée Linda, leaves him at the altar. Robbie then falls into a deep depression, until Julia requests his help planning her wedding because it’s not her fiancée’s thing. You could guess that Robbie falls in love with Julia, but tries to deny his feelings because of her engagement to her fiancée Glen, Don Johnson’s number one fan. 

The Wedding Singer brings up many clichés, the most prevalent is that of the undeserving other man/woman. Both Glen and Linda are so materialistic, selfish, and asshole-ish/bitchy, that they’re easy to hate. We aren’t supposed to like them. We aren’t supposed to think Robbie should make up with Linda or that Julia should stop her emotional affair with Robbie. I half expected them to hook up in the end. 

Also, there’s Robbie and Julia’s best friends: Sammy, who models his life after Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino, and Holly, the town tramp who models her life after Madonna. Both offer romantic advice and serve as foils for our leads. They actually do hook up in the end. 

This movie is set in the 80’s. Technically, 1985. But this date is fast and loose because many songs and references come before and after the aforementioned year. This doesn’t really bother me. It goes with the whole sloppiness of the movie. But as someone who cares deeply about costuming, I cannot forgive the clothes. For one, the costumer did a great job on Glen, Holly, and Sammy, plus many of the extra characters. But Robbie and Julia’s are straight from 1998. Nothing in Julia’s wardrobe slightly resembles anything from the 80’s or the early 90’s for that matter. I doubt this bothers anyone else but me and the few other costume fanatics out there. I mean come on, shoulder pads, big hair, and stretch pants. How hard is that? 

So far, it seems I’ve only ragged on The Wedding Singer's acute use of clichés and stock characters and its anachronistic costumes. Is there anything I like about this movie? Funny you should ask, because there is.

I really enjoy Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore’s performances in this movie. I like them both as actors anyway. Robbie and Julia aren’t the most complex characters but I don’t think they’re that card board cut-out either. Sure, they are both nice and easy to like. But there are subtleties in their performances that go beyond average rom-com characters.

Scenes that illustrate this:

1. While trying to find a singer for her own wedding, Robbie performs a song he wrote before and after Linda left him at the altar. The song is extremely sweet and then violent, which is played for laughs. But Julia’s reaction to the song is touching.

2. Robbie goes to tell Julia how he feels about her. As he walks up the street to her house, he practices his speech. He stops dead in his tracks and witnesses Julia happily laughing in her wedding gown. He watches her through the window for a moment and leaves. (Of course, she is pretending that she is at her and Robbie’s wedding, so this is all part of a Big Misunderstanding so often found in these kinds of movies).

3. The next morning, Julia realizes she must tell Robbie how she feels. But Linda, who’s changed her mind about Robbie (of course) answers the door in nothing but his Van Halen t-shirt (of course). Julia “understands” that her place is with Glen.

One thing I HATE in romance comedies, or any movie for that matter, is when a character chases another to the airport. This movie, unfortunately, has this plot device, but the whole climax takes place on the plane, so it can be forgiven.

I know a common theme in rom-com’s is opposites attracting. Or couples who playfully jab at each other in order to hide their true feelings. (Han and Leia anyone?) But Robbie and Julia get along. They’re friends. They have similar personalities. I think that their future, after the credits have rolled, will continue to be just as happy as it was in the end.
I don’t have any deep, soul-searching reason for putting The Wedding Singer on my list. It’s entertaining. It’s funny. Simple as that. I know that there are many others who agree with me. After all, it was made into a Broadway musical, an unsuccessful one, but that’s beside the point. The Wedding Singer is good for a laugh and those heart-warming moments only fiction can bring
Favorite Screencap
See the above screencap of Julia at Robbie's door. Don't judge me.
Next Film: The Great Mouse Detective

Scream (1996)

Sidney: “But this is life. This isn’t a movie.”
Billy: “Yes it is, Sid. It’s all…it’s all a movie. It’s all one great big movie. Only you can’t pick your genre.”

Title: Scream

Genre: Horror

Year: 1996

Rated: R

Starring

Neve Campbell as Sidney Prescott

Skeet Ulrich as Billy Loomis

Courteney Cox as Gale Weathers

David Arquette as Dewey Riley


Plot: A small town girl’s life is interrupted when a serial killer with a penchant for modeling his murders after scary movies begins stalking her.


Tagline: Someone has taken their love for scary movies too far.


First Viewing: 9th Grade (2003) on Encore.
Added to The List: 2003.


Comments
Generally, I don’t like horror movies. It’s not because I get scared (I don’t). It’s not because I’m sensitive to blood and gore (I’m not). And it’s certainly not because I have my nose up in the air about the genre. Mostly, it’s because in these typical teen slasher flicks, the villain/monster/ what-have-you doesn’t have a good enough motive to merit a series of creatively violent murders…at least in my humble opinion.


When I first saw Scream, I was kind of going through a horror movie phase. Actually, it was more of a phase-ette. Whatever you want to call it, I was “researching” the many, many sequels of the three most popular/famous teen horror movies: Halloween (1978), Friday the 13th (1980), and Nightmare on Elm Street (1984). I had recently seen the 7th Elm Street adventure, Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (which is, in my opinion, the best one) when I discovered that the man behind this franchise also directed Scream, a movie that satirized the slasher movie genre.

One random night, I happened upon it. I figured that I would watch it until I grew bored and fell asleep like I’d done with the first Elm Street flick on three separate occasions (how’s that for irony?). But instead of silently drifting off as the killer waited anxiously just around the corner, I was wide awake and intensely concerned about Casey Becker and her boyfriend Steve.

I love Scream’s beginning. It doesn’t fuck around. It doesn’t bother with character development or establishing shots. The phone rings and Casey Becker promptly answers. The caller claims he has the wrong number but then begins flirting with her. She flirts back, until his already creepy questions tip the scale. Casey then finds herself in a dangerous game: answer a few movie trivia questions or her and her boyfriend get 86ed.


Now, I don’t know about you, but if I had to choose any kind of trivia to answer while threatened with my life, I’d choose movie trivia. I guess that makes me kind of morbid. But I’m fairly confident with my extensive knowledge of film. To be honest, horror is not my forte, but I knew both of the answers to the killer’s questions. Casey Becker, sadly did not.


Incidentally, Casey wasn’t the main character or even a friend of the main character. Technically, she did sit next to the main character in English. We first meet Sidney Prescott shortly after Casey’s murder. She’s alone in her room, typing on her computer when her boyfriend, Billy Loomis (Johnny Depp’s clone) climbs through her bedroom window. He basically asks for sex, she makes out with him and then he leaves.

This brings up an important rule in horror films. A rule that is actually proclaimed by a character later in the film. All horror movie heroines are virgins and to have sex is a big, big no-no. (More on this later). Rarely are we given a reason why the heroine remains chaste. Of course, we can assume because it’s “the right thing to do.” But Sidney has a reason. A year ago, her mother was raped and murdered. Also rumors were flying about Mrs. Maureen Prescott being the town tramp and Sidney fears she will become her. Reasons…I love reasons.

The next day at school, everyone is reeling from the death of their schoolmates. We are then introduced to Sidney’s other friends: Tatum, her best friend, Stu, Tatum’s dumbass boyfriend, and Randy, the secret admirer of Sidney and resident horror film expert…my personal favorite.

Shit really gets complicated later that night. Sidney is waiting for Tatum to come over. The killer calls her, harasses her, and tries to kill her, just like Casey. But Sidney survives and Billy shows up shortly after, as do the police who take him into custody. Sidney suspects him until she receives a call from the killer while Billy's in jail. He is later cleared of all charges, but their relationship is strained ever after.

Randy still suspects Billy. He explains it to Stu in the video store that there’s always some “stupid, bullshit reason to kill your girlfriend” and Billy’s is because Sidney wouldn’t have sex with him. As a horror movie fan, he thinks everything in this situation can be solved by watching Prom Night. There’s a formula to it. A very simple formula. Everybody’s a suspect!

Later that night, Stu has a huge party at his house (as all slasher flick teens do, even when a psycho killer is on the loose). There, Randy shares more of his infinite movie knowledge of how to survive a horror movie:

1. Never have sex.
2. Never drink or do drugs.
3. Never say “I’ll be right back.”

Meanwhile, Sidney is upstairs with Billy. She apologizes for her accusations and agrees to have sex with him.

You would think that this genre, which is disturbingly targeted towards teenage boys, would have a member of its audience as the main character. But if you look at most of them, the main protagonist is a teenage girl. Hundreds of articles and term papers have been written to explain this phenomenon. So here’s a really condensed version: boys like to see girls in peril and victimized.

I don’t know if this is actually true. Frankly, I don’t want to believe this unsettling theory. And unfortunately, I don’t have a theory of my own to counter it. I will say this though...I like that most horror movie protagonists are female. I can put myself into the heroine’s position, which is something I like to do with all movies. The “men-really-want-to-see-women-victimized-thing” seems very uber-feminist to me.

And this is what I don’t understand: in most cases, the heroine beats the villain! And she usually does it on her own because everyone else is dead! I suppose there would be something to complain about if, at the last minute, some big strapping man, deux es machina, saved the day ala the woodcutter in “Little Red Riding Hood.” But this is not what happens in Scream.

I guess you could complain about the virginity thing. For one thing, I believe all films of this nature are written, directed, and produced by men. And another, all of these films were made during or after the sexual revolution. So, you could gather that some men were annoyed at the sexual freedom women’s lib brought the average woman. The line between “good girls” and “bad girls” was forever blurred. And the only way these men could get their views across was to kill any sexually active young woman and let the sole survivor be the one who won’t let her boyfriend get past second base.

Of course, it’s not all teen girls that are killed in these movies. Plenty of boys skip down the prim rose path with these ladies. They also break the “no drinking or drugs” rule, which also doom them to a bloody end. So maybe it’s not a feminist issue. Maybe it’s adults/parents cracking down on their out of control children. A scarier, more fucked up version of the Boogeyman, if you will. Hmmmm…

Wow. I really digressed. I apologize. Let’s get back to Scream, shall we?

So, we last left Sidney in the bedroom with Billy. They have sex, and right on schedule, Billy is murdered. Sidney escapes. A few more deaths, red herrings, and chase scenes later, Sidney manages to get back in the house, finds out Billy is alive and then discovers…HE’S ALSO THE KILLER!!!

AND HE’S NOT IN IT ALONE!!!

The main grievance I have with horror movies is the killer’s lack of motive. Michael Myers was insane (cop out). Jason Voorhees, also insane (another cop out). And Freddy Krueger wants revenge…on his murderer’s children…twelve years later. But Billy Loomis and Stu Macher? They have motives. Whether they’re good or not is up to the individual viewer, but they actually explain their reasons. A rarity.

Sure, it’s a little bit melodramatic. If you think about it, what psycho killer in their right mind (HA!) would take the time to explain all their planning to their victim? The smart thing would be to just off them. When the killer gets cocky, that’s where they fail. It's prevalent in action movies as well as horror.

At first, I thought Billy and Stu weren’t going to have a motive. I thought they were two twisted fucks bored with small town life. Like Randy said earlier in the film, “It’s the millennium. Motives are incidental.” But instead, Billy explains everything…that he was the one behind Sidney’s mother’s murder because she was having an affair with his father, which caused his mom to leave. Yeah, it’s kind of a pussy motive, but at least it’s a motive. And Stu? Turns out he’s really just a dumbfuck bored with small town life. Eh…can’t win ‘em all.

In the end, Sidney defeats Billy and Stu, sans virginity…which I believe must be some kind of record or first. There’s a whole other subplot concerning reporter Gale Weathers and Deputy Dewey Riley, but to me, it’s not worth writing about even if it does add some much needed sexual tension and comic relief. I think I’ve written enough already.

To close this blog, I would also like to state that I love how often this movie makes fun of itself and references how much films change and shape our lives. Much of my behavior is modeled after movies, as depressing as that sounds. As seen in Scream, this methodology can have some disastrous consequences. But lucky for you, I was raised on Disney.

Favorite Screencap
You know...as much as I love this movie, it's not very visually stimulating. So, sorry folks. No screencaps this time.

Next Film: The Wedding Singer

The Brave Little Toaster (1987)

Kirby: “Why don't you just shut off?"

Air Conditioner: “Oh, I'm really scared there, Kirby. What are you gonna do, suck me to death?"

Title: The Brave Little Toaster

Genre: Animation

Year: 1987

Rated: Technically NR, but I’m guessing G in ‘87…PG by today’s standards.

Starring

Deanna Oliver as Toaster

Thurl Ravenscroft as Kirby

Jon Lovitz as Radio

Timothy Stack as Lampy
Timothy E. Day as Blanky


Plot: A toaster, a lamp, a radio, a vacuum cleaner, and an electric blanket set out on a journey to find their original owner.


Tagline: Imagine if your toaster went on a journey of its own!


First Viewing: Preschool? Kindergarten?
Added to The List: Always been there.


Comments
So far in this Epic Grand Ranking Attempt, I have reviewed one crime drama, one fantasy, one family film, one comedy, and one animated feature. Film #6 is a combination of the last four. My apologies to those looking for animated crime thriller, but truly, The Brave Little Toaster is full enough without adding gang wars and drug smuggling.


Although most people consider The Brave Little Toaster to be a Disney movie (as they do with all animated movies), they are wrong, wrong, WRONG. “What!?” you say, “But my Video/DVD cases says it’s Disney!”


Sigh… This is kind of a long story, so get comfortable…


First of all, The Brave Little Toaster is based on a novella by Thomas M. Disch. Some time in the mid 80’s, it was adapted into the animated film we know and love today. In the summer of 1987, it debuted on the Disney Channel. The following January, Toaster was shown at the Sundance Film Festival, and was the first and only (until 2001’s Waking Life) animated film to be entered. It was considered for Sundance’s Grand Jury Prize, nominated for the “Outstanding Animated Program” Emmy, and recognized with a Parents’ Choice Award. Despite all this hoopla, Toaster never had a nationwide theatrical release. Finally, sometime between July of 1988 and September of 1991, Disney acquired the rights to the film and distributed it on home video.


So, to make a long story short…someone else made The Brave Little Toaster, but Disney owns it.


It’s not your average origin story for a film, especially for an animated film. But you must remember, The Brave Little Toaster is not your average 80’s animated film. Drawn in an era of “animal movies” (The Secret of NIMH, An American Tale, Oliver & Company), this film sets itself aside and was the only one of its kind until Toy Story came along.


The film begins in a quaint little cottage in the middle of a forest. Five appliances (six, if you include the pessimistic Air Conditioner) are left to their own devices, and continually clean and take care of the cottage and await the day when their beloved Master (a ten-year-old boy) returns. But after years of waiting, the group is growing ever more edgy. When the cottage is put up for sale, the group decides to seek out their Master, certain that he still needs them. And so, the journey begins…

Basically, Toaster’s trek consists of four sections. The first one, the longest and most boring, takes place in the woods while our faithful friends first start traveling to The City. On the way, they encounter a group of dancing frogs, who enjoy making faces in Toaster’s reflection. Blanky is captured by mice. The whole sequence goes on for too long. Even Toaster gets bored.

Still, this sequence has one of the saddest, albeit unnecessary, moments in the history of animation. It’s even listed on Filmsite’s Greatest Tearjerker Films, Scenes, and Movie Moments of All-Time. Here’s the link. Anywho, Toaster is running from the narcissistic frogs and accidentally bumps into a yellow flower who immediately falls in love with its own likeness, unaware it’s just a reflection. Toaster explains this, but the flower will not be convinced otherwise. Toaster then leaves and looks back to see the flower withering and dying.

What’s the point of this scene? Countless times, I’ve seen this movie and still, I do not know. Is Thomas M. Disch saying something about technology’s relation to nature? Is this scene even in the book? Or did the animators think the story was lagging a little on the depressing storyline venue? As if being abandoned by the one person who loves them isn’t enough, now they have to break our hearts with this poor, wilting flower.


In many ways, The Brave Little Toaster is a very uneven film. First off, family friendly animation would have you believe that this is a sweet children’s story about finding your way home ala Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey. And it is. But once you get into to it, you see that there’s more there than the colorful video cover would have you believe.


Besides having one of the saddest moments ever, it also has one of the most terrifying. While still in the “forest phase,” Toaster peacefully dreams of his happy days gone by with The Master, as he makes toasts and faces in his chrome. But suddenly, black smoke emits from Toasters slots. And a black hand grabs The Master away.

And then this scary firefighter clown shows up.

And then forks chase Toaster.

And then he’s hanging helplessly above a bathtub full of water.

Rest easy, my good readers, ‘tis only a dream. But still…what the fuck? How many kids started bawling after this sequence? How many turned off the VCR and never found out what happened to Toaster and his pals? And just what is the director trying to say here? Appliances have fears? And feelings? Pshaw! Nonsense!


Another scene worth noting in the forest phase (I told you it took up most of the movie!), concerns Toaster and Blanky. Lampy very plainly asks Toaster, “So, what’s this thing with you and the blanket?” From there, Toaster explains he feels he should be nice to Blanky from now on and that he gets a warm toasty feeling inside from being nice.

Many, to this day, consider this scene as some kind of rallying cry for homosexual appliances. With Toaster and Blanky both officially being male (a.k.a. being referred to as “he”), and supposing you had the mindset of a 5th grade boy, it could be taken this way. But I prefer to think Toaster and Blanky have more of a father/son relationship as opposed to a romantic one. (I mean, come on people, Blanky has got to be at least emotionally 6 years old!) It’s just another facet in this gem of a movie.


A little more than halfway through the movie, some serious shit starts happening to our group of weary travelers. They are rescued by Elmo St. Peters, a rotund appliance store owner who spends his free time creating his own electrical devices from the pieces of others. Our travelers seemed to be doomed to become one of Mr. St. Peters’ monsters, as explained in the song “B Movie Show” by his many innovations. But the group manages to outwit him and escape to The City.

Little does the group know as they make their way to The Master’s apartment, that he is recently graduated and towards college. And he needs a few cheap, old appliances. You know, the ones from the cottage. Oh, irony. If only they had waited a few more days, all this danger could easily be avoided. So The Master (now officially known as Rob) drives to the cottage and believes it’s been robbed.


At this same time, Toaster and the gang arrive at Rob’s apartment and are met by his newer, fancier appliances. Among them is a computer, even! Through song (“Cutting Edge) our friends slowly realize that The Master has no use for them anymore and silently head to Ernie’s Disposal.

Irony strikes again when Rob decides he wants old stuff to take to the dorm. So he ends up going to Ernie’s Disposal (advertised as “Crazy Ernie’s Amazing Emporium of Total Bargain Madness, by Toaster’s old friend, the T.V.) to look for just that.

While at “Crazy Ernie’s” our electrical friends accept their fate as scrap metal. Around them, old cars of all kinds sing their sob stories through the song “Worthless” as they are dropped on a conveyor belt and crushed into cubes. This is kind of like a precursor to Pixar’s Cars…but way more morbid.

Anywho, the scary magnet who collects these cars seems to have it in for Toaster and his pals and relentlessly chases them around the junkyard. All seems lost, but hark! Thy Master comes along, recognizes his appliances from childhood and collects them. Mr. Evil Magnet doesn’t like this one bit and dumps the Master on the Conveyor Belt of Doom along with some other junk that traps him and destines him for Cubesville.

Then the toaster, oh, that brave little toaster, selflessly throws himself into the gears of the cube maker, which saves his master’s life. And then somehow, Rob discovers what stopped the trash compactor. And that it was a toaster. And that it was his toaster from the cottage. Yeah…it’s all so realistic. But how else are we supposed to get to the happy ending?

So, Rob repairs Toaster, who still manages to make some damn fine toast, despite all those gears mangling his inside mechanisms. And all the appliances to college. And they all live happily ever after…until the sequels. DUN, DUN, DUN!

The Brave Little Toaster is, quite obviously, a prototype for Toy Story/Toy Story 2/Probably Toy Story 3, just by having inanimate objects come to life. As adults, it’s easy to look back fondly of playing with our toys. So, it’s just as easy to believe toys come to life in an animated feature, because they seemed so real back then. But how many of you played with your toaster? When was the last time you patted your desk lamp on the head? Or appreciated your vacuum? Creating sympathy for ordinary household objects is quite a feat, and this film manages to do it perfectly.

I’ve done you a disservice by not talking about the other characters, so I’ll do it now, as this blog comes to a much needed end. The characters are truly what drives the film. Each of them is likable in their own way…even the annoying, babyish blanket. Lampy, with is naïve optimism, is my favorite. And unlike the title would have you believe, each of the characters acts bravely and sacrifices something to be reunited with their master.

Favorite Screencap

A shot of Toaster just before he sacrifices himself for The Master.