Archie Marries Veronica: "It's Twins!" (Part 3 of 6)

Ah, the last chapter in the Veronica half of the Archie Wedding Saga. Not unlike its predecessor, Part 3 is not terribly plot driven. In fact, it's even less plot driven than Part 2...if that's possible...and it is.

It begins when Archie announces Veronica's pregnancy to his parents, Fred and Mary. At that moment, Jughead, Reggie, and Moose burst in with congratulations and mention the various ways they will add to "Little Archie" or "Little Veronica's" life. Archie then breaks the news to Mr. Lodge who immediately has his will changed to bestow his most prized possession, a sled named "Rosebuddy", to his grandchild. (Note: Anyone old enough to get this joke will find it retarded.)

Meanwhile, Veronica flies to New York City to meet with Betty at a run down diner. Betty hasn't been faring well in the city. She's recently been laid off and her relationship with Henry from the previous issue in the story arc, has ended because it's "hard to meet nice guys in the city." Veronica announces that she pregnant and asks Betty to be the godmother...to which she agrees...of course.

So since Betty wasn't born with Veronica's advantages, the recession is fucking her over, just like Reggie. The love life isn't going so well either because of the lack of "nice guys" in the city. Translation: I won't have sex till I'm married and only one man is truly worthy of my blessed virginity, but since he's married to another, I am cursed to chastity until one night, my morals are worn down by loneliness, desperation, and one too many Cosmopolitans, and I end up in the bed of some toolbox like Henry who'll dump me a week later because I can't stop crying over the one man who could never love me despite my never wavering loyalty and devotion.

...I'm guessing.

It wasn't enough for Betty to witness the proposal. (Yes, yes, I know...not Archie's fault). Nor was it enough for Veronica to ask Betty to be her maid of honor. You know, sitting in the first pew just isn't up close and personal enough to watch your one true love marry the heinous bitch who's never deserved him. You have to be right next to her. Every smile, every tear is right there for you to observe and burn into your memory. This is the best day of your best friend's life. You never want to forget it. But that's not enough for the cuntfaced Mrs. Andrews. No, now Veronica asks Betty to be the godmother to the product of her and Archie's love. [Sigh].

Two trimesters later, Archie and Veronica begin Lamaze class, which proves to be a slapstick disaster for Archie. One night when Veronica's ill, Jughead fills in for her replete with a pillow under his shirt. Hilarity ensues. Despite all of this, Archie promises to be calm when the big day arrives. Shortly thereafter, Veronica goes into labor and he drives her to the hospital with minimal drama. Soon Veronica delivers a redheaded boy named Archie, and a black haired girl named Veronica.

What the fuck! Archie Junior and Veronica Junior? Are we that self-involved? Does the writer think we'll forget who's kids they are if they're not named after their parents? I had hope that the twins would be named after their grandparents after the four of them exchanged names. I think "Mary Hermione Andrews" and "Hiram Frederick Andrews" are very sweet names, especially given Archie's past relationship with Mr. Lodge. (That and Hiram would have been my name if I was born with a penis...so, yeah). Even the most popular, overused names would be better than Archie and Veronica. UGH!!!

Time passes and Archie and Veronica move back to Riverdale and buy a minivan. Parenting is exhausting for both of them, but they lovingly raise their children past diapers and bottles. When the children are around five, the Andrews and the Lodges celebrate Christmas together. The children are sent to bed and Archie and Veronica discuss their happiness. Archie claims that he would be just as happy without the money. "All you need is love," he says.

By the third issue in this story arc, I should have known that the homey suburban life would be everything Archie and Veronica ever wanted. My dreams of Archie suffering under the oppression of a plasticine world were dashed. After all, New York City is simply no place to raise affluent trust fund babies. The Andrews' must move. But where is a place where there is no crime? No pollution? No pushing or swearing or (unfortunately) premarital sex? Oh, yeah, Stepford!

I mean, Pleasantville!

I jest. Riverdale will always be home sweet home.

After the Christmas festivities are over, Archie tucks his children to bed and reads them "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost in its entirety. (Um, what's wrong with "The Night Before Christmas"?). Before wrapping up the rest of the presents, Archie insists on going for a walk during the first snow of the season. He and Veronica exchange "I Love You's" and he heads out the door, looking distraught. He walks up Memory Lane and comes to the yellow wood and begins walking down the right fork in the road.

So, I had never read all of "The Road Not Taken" before I opened up Archie #602. It's ironic. Often comic books are (or were?) criticized for adding to the illiteracy and ignorance of America's youth. Who'd have thought that a comic book was responsible for my introduction to one the most famous poems in literature. I wouldn't otherwise mention the poem except it takes up a whole page of the comic. It must be a favorite of Michael Uslan's. He was probably reading it one night in bed and figured, "Hey...this kind of reminds me of the Archie love triangle. I'm calling the company in the morning!"

We're now halfway through our look into the future of Archie Andrews. His time with Veronica as his blushing bride is over and I am left with several thoughts and concerns. My biggest surprise is that Veronica isn't as big a cunt to Archie as I suspected. (To Betty...fuck yes). But to Archie, she's not as naggy...or roller coastery (yes, that's a word now). The materialism even seems to have dissipated...after the wedding, and even the wedding isn't as bad as it could have been.

Now that I think back, Veronica really isn't herself during these three issues. She never yells at Archie, not even while she's in labor. Not once does she get irrationally angry with him. Not once does she flirt or give a sideways glance to another guy. It's all about Archie. This is how it always should have been. But why now? Has college matured her? Or did it just take a huge diamond to tie her to one man?

I don't know. Archie and Veronica's relationship seems, dare I say it?...equal. That's a word I never thought I'd use to describe their relationship. But it oddly is. Yes, Archie works like a dog. Veronica isn't shown working, but maybe she is doing more than dragging Archie to black tie benefits. Maybe she's volunteering. (I'm really trying to give her the benefit of the doubt). Then after they migrate back to Riverdale, Archie's workload seems to lessen and he and Veronica's care taking duties are evenly split. There is no indication of unhappiness or dissatisfaction. It's almost as if he made the right choice.

I sit in disbelief as I type this. But I realize the Veronica arc would show Veronica in the most positive light. This is like the Greatest Hits of Veronica. So that would be sex appeal...riches...excitement...glamour. Of course, I think the "excitement" and "glamor" dies once Archie and Veronica Junior come along. But the money's still there and with the help of personal trainers, so is Veronica's lithe, seventeen year old figure. Again, it's a dream sequence, so in Archie subconscious, he's going to imagine the girl of his dreams being the perfect wife and suspiciously losing all of her cuntlike characteristics that caused him anguish in high school.

Now, all of this would be fine and dandy if it weren't for one panel. One little panel showing Archie outside his door with the most downtrodden look on his face. Is it all a facade? Is his life with Veronica a meaningless parade of charity auctions mixed in with private school P.T.A. meetings? The lyrics of Britney Spears' "Lucky" spring to mind: "if there's nothing missing in [his] life then why do these tears come at night?" Okay, so he's not shown actually crying, but he looks like he would at any minute. And walking towards the yellow wood, does he know the right fork leads to his future with Betty or is it all a coincidence?

And Betty! She's never heard from again. Jughead is at the hospital when the twins are born. One can assume he's the godfather, so where the fuck is Betty? She isn't even mentioned again. In fact, after the kids arrive, none of Archie and Veronica's old friends show up. Is Archie Comics trying to give us some honesty? The honest truth that once you have kids, your life becomes all about them and all your former friendships die unless your friends have kids around the same age as yours? Since Jughead is anti-woman (and, yeesh, anti-sex?) and Betty is the lonely, childless, single gal, it's unlikely either of them have Jughead Junior and Betty Junior to bring over to play. So I guess we're supposed to believe that everyone in the Riverdale gang is still single...except Archie, Veronica, and Ethel. Hmmmm.

It would be stupid of me to wish for more closure when we're only halfway through the story line. But I would be anxious to see how Archie and Veronica's marriage effected everyone else. And I would have loved to see a single panel of Betty, alone on Christmas or something, showing us readers that without Archie in her life, she has nothing. Or, is she better off without him? I mean, what the fuck is she doing while Archie recites Robert Frost? Tanked and watching It's a Wonderful Life or giving some colleague a very Merry Christmas?

Alas, we shall never know because the next issue switches over to Bettyland, and we'll see the instricacies of her and Archie's marriage. Perhaps there will be more detail in the Betty/Twins issue, but then again, the last five or six pages will probably be of Archie coming back to the present and having some dumbfounded realization...maybe...who knows? This whole thing's been a crapshoot.

Archie Marries Veronica: "The Wedding" (Part 2 of 6)

Welcome to Part 2 of the Archie Wedding Saga as we witness the main event, the moment generations have been waiting 68 years for: Archie actually binds himself lawfully, spiritually, and financially to one of his "gals" making his choice OFFICIAL. And FINAL...at least until Part 4. I warn you, Part 1 was much more plot driven. They weren't fucking around when they titled this chapter "The Wedding" because the actual ceremony, with all of its pre game (tux fittings) and post game (the honeymoon) events, takes up 19 of the 24 pages.

It opens with a handy dandy recap page which I don't need to summarize if you read my review of Part1. Then, Archie is preparing for his upcoming nuptials with his groomsmen, Reggie (the jerk), Moose (the big, dumb, lovable jock), Dilton (the nerd), and best man, Jughead. Meanwhile, Veronica is treating her bridesmaids Midge (Moose's girl), Ethel (the ugly girl), and Nancy (the black girl), to a day at the spa. Veronica is sad that Betty is not there. However, she shows up at that moment and her position as Veronica’s maid of honor is cemented. Betty brings along a “friend” of hers named Henry who works with her. Ethel states that he reminds her of Archie as Betty rushes him out the door. On the eve of the wedding, Archie and Veronica discuss their future.

So, who the fuck is Henry you ask? Believe it or not, Betty has dated several guys other than Archie. Her rogue's gallery includes Reggie, Jughead, Jason Blossom (firecrotch Cheryl's twin brother), and nice guy Adam Chisholm, a character introduced in Betty #87 who is basically the "Betty" to Archie's "Veronica"...if you know what I mean. After all, a girl can't spend all her nights working on recipes and writing Archie's book reports. And how in the hell can you go to the wedding of your high school quasi-boyfriend like the lonely pathetic single girl everyone expects you to be? No, even Betty has some pride. That's why she finds Archie 2.o at work (ugh, a guy in fashion) and proves to everyone she has every intention of moving on instead of being Riverdale's resident cat lady.

The big day comes and everything seems to be going as planned. All of Riverdale is attending the wedding. Before the ceremony, Archie asks Betty to take a walk with him. He tells her that she was his first friend and how he always enjoyed dating her, but then Veronica moved to town. Archie tells Betty that he loves her like a sister and asks her to promise to always be his friend. Betty obliges after they tell each other they love one another.

Oh. My. God. This pep talk demeans us all, Archie. It's great that you reiterated everything the poor girl has assumed for 68 years. And the sister line. Really? Really? I've always hated the sister line because it means you're viewed as an utterly non-sexual being. It means any sexual thought about said "sister" is incestuous. At least envisioning sex with a "friend" won't turn your stomach. Did you love her like a sister when you were making out with her in the backseat of your Jalopy? Nah...I didn't think so. And "I love you"? Archie, I know you're trying to lessen your poster child status as fickle jerkoff, but you can take your cold comfort speech and shove it up your newly married gold digging ass.

Ahem...excuse me.

The wedding goes by smoothly. Mr. and Mrs. Lodge walk Veronica down the aisle as all of Riverdale watches. Archie and Veronica finally become husband and wife as Betty tearfully, but "happily" looks on. At the reception, Archie and Veronica share their first dance to "Sugar, Sugar", speeches are made, the cake is cut, and the bouquet is tossed. Betty catches it and walks away trying to hide her tears. Veronica catches up to her to make sure she’s okay. Archie and Veronica then depart on their honeymoon to remote island owned by the Lodges.

In case you were looking for My Best Friend's Wedding-esque schemes to STOP THE WEDDING, none occur. (Damn it!) Doormat Betty does her part as maid of honor (in a hideous orange gown) in Veronica's line of set dressing bridesmaids. She's a good sport about it too, even though she gives an extremely uninspired speech wishing the happy couple to "live as long as you want and never want as long as you live." ...Yeah. BLECCH.

They even have you fooled for awhile, making you think that maybe Betty really will be okay. I mean, she has Henry, right? Oh wait...he doesn't make another appearance. EVER. Veronica is no better at comforting Betty than Archie is. "You mean so much to me," Veronica says. Yeah, she means enough to drag through your hedonistic circus wedding while you marry the man of her dreams. Betty insists she will be happy for them...eventually. I'm guessing it'll be the day when The Archies score another number one single.

And now a positive note: From my blog on Archie Return to Riverdale, you know how ecstatic I am about sex actually existing in the Archie Comics universe. So you must be able to imagine my excitement brought on by the "KLIK" panel. Yay! Sex! The geniuses in the writing room must have discovered they couldn't hold off the inevitable deflowerization of Riverdale's all American guy and town tease. And there was no way to fool the sheltered minded Archie reader by having a stork drop the twins on the doorstep of Lodge Manor. Archie and Veronica must bone! And bone they do.

A year later Archie is a big executive at Lodge Enterprises. Reggie shows up and asks for a job after he’s been laid off. (Way to work in the recession!) Archie gives him a job in sales. It’s obvious that he’s running himself ragged with work. When he comes home exhausted, Veronica reminds him of a dinner date they have with Ethel and her fiancée, Fred. Archie is simply too tired and refuses to move…until Veronica announces that she’s pregnant. Then Archie promptly faints.

So, I'm guessing that history degree is really coming in handy, hmmm, Archie? Although he's the powerful Vice President of Lodge Industries, with enough money to live in the penthouse of "Lodge Tower," I have to believe that he's really dissatisfied with his line of work. It's not his passion. (Not that Archie ever showed a particular passion or aptitude for anything). Still, seeing Reggie struggling reminds him of how lucky he is for the financial stability in his life.

When Archie returns home from work, he seems happy enough with Veronica. Although her favoring social engagements over Archie's well being really rubs me the wrong way. His constant exhaustion has to take a toll on their marriage. But not enough of a toll to keep him from knocking her up, and therefore, giving us the third and final chapter in the Veronica side of the Archie Wedding Saga...one I hope sentences Archie to suburban Hell. (Muwah-ha-ha-ha!)

On a side note, good for Ethel! She finally got over Jughead. And she's the next to get married. (I guess that rule of catching the bouquet is bullshit). Maybe she got a makeover and became an international model, as per the movie. Whatever. I think it's odd, to say the least. Was it just for that tacky "Fred and Ethel" joke? I wouldn't put it past the writers. Yuk, yuk!

There you have it. Part 2, The Wedding. I wasn't really shocked by anything in this issue. Archie and Veronica take Betty for granted, once again. Veronica has a materialistic wedding. Archie has a job he hates. And since first comes love, then comes marriage, a baby (Spoiler! Babies) in the baby carriage must follow. Will these children add to the happiness of the Andrews clan? How can selfish Veronica be a mother? How can irresponsible Archie be a father? Will these children be the burden further pushing Archie away from his dream?

Stay tuned.

Archie Marries Veronica: "The Proposal" (Part 1 of 6)

Okay, let's just get it all out there. This is a dream sequence. Or a hallucination. This is not canon. This is not THE CHOICE. As soon as Archie #606 rolls around there will be no memory of the walk through a yellow wood. No twins. No weddings. No proposals. Archie will go back to being perpetually 17 and perpetually torn between Betty and Veronica.

That being said, I'm going to tear this bitch apart. I've been waiting my entire life for something like this. I'm excited that I'm alive to witness this ordeal, as fictional as it may be. As I've said in previous blogs, I think it is my duty as a fan to analyze this 6 issue story arc. So let's begin shall we?

(Note...This is the plot summary from the Wikipedia page. I didn't steal it. I wrote it...and created the page. No joke.)

The night before the gang’s graduation from Riverdale High, The Archies play their final concert and mourn the oncoming changes. Archie comes home and after getting heat from his father about picking a college, he takes a walk down Memory Lane…literally. Archie realizes he’s never walked up Memory Lane before and switches directions. After traveling through a yellow wood, Memory Lane splits into two dirt roads. He chooses the left one and "saves the right one for another day." Eventually Archie makes it back to his house no longer wearing his high school lettermen’s jacket but one that reads "State U" on the back. His mother (Mary) exclaims how excited she is for her son’s graduation and his father (Fred) states how he wishes Archie had majored in business instead of history and that he’s still excited he’s graduating from college. Archie dismisses this when Mary states that Veronica is waiting for him inside the house.

Archie is then, inexplicably, cast four years into the future on the eve of his college graduation. He and Veronica discuss the changes in their lives, but both accept growing up. After a successful graduation, Veronica hosts a party at her mansion with Josie and the Pussycats headlining. Archie then learns the future plans of all of his friends:

Veronica Lodge: Working for her father's company (surprise, surprise) in either London or Hong Kong.

Moose Mason: Managing his uncle's burger joint on Staten Island.

Midge Klump: Running her own nail salon in Bayonne, New Jersey. (I had to look up that Bayonne was in Jersey).

Dilton Doiley: Going to M.I.T. for a doctorate in "quantum mechanics."

Reggie Mantle: Working as a used car salesmen in Atlanta.

Jughead Jones: Sticking around Riverdale to figure things out and grilling burgers at Pop's.

Betty Cooper: Working as a buyer for Sacks Fifth Avenue in New York.

(Um, what about Ethel, Chuck, and all those various minority characters?)

Okay, here is my first major grievance with this futuristic Riverdale. Betty is a writer. She has always been a writer. (Okay, at least from the 80's on). This has been specifically evident in the Betty's Diary issues. And especially in the Lydia Wyndham stories. The movie even got this right, for christsakes! I understand the reasoning behind sending Betty to New York. But have her working on her writing career! Or at least working as a journalist! But a buyer for Sacks? Fashion is more of Veronica thing. WTF!!!!! ARG!!!!

Okay...back on track.

A few weeks after graduation, Archie is given a large sum of money by his parents. He then uses it for the down payment on an engagement ring for Veronica. (You gotta spend money to make money, huh Arch?) He proposes to her in "Spiffany's" just as Betty and Jughead happen to walk by and witness. Veronica accepts and Betty runs weeping in an unknown direction. Jughead later chastises Archie for not telling him his plan. Eventually, Archie and Veronica tell Mr. Lodge, who accepts Archie as his future son-in-law as long as he works for Lodge industries. Without any other jobs lined up, Archie goes along with it as his fiancee plans the biggest wedding Riverdale has ever seen.

Archie's proposal to Veronica in a jewelry store is so lame. Don't get me wrong, I think we're supposed to have this reaction. It's so cliche (for those of us who've seen Sweet Home Alabama). However, Archie does know Veronica well enough to know that the chances of her saying "yes" greatly improve if she's asked in a room full of diamonds. It's corny, but it's good news Archie really knows the woman he plans spending the rest of his life with.

One thing I will say for Veronica: she's no gold digger. All of her life, she's been surrounded by men of wealth and affluence, many of which her father has probably pushed at her. But Veronica always comes back to middle class Archie. Now, it's possible she assumes that Archie now has money since he can afford a Spiffany's engagement ring. It's also possible that Veronica knows her father will make sure Archie has a steady job at Lodge Industries and she will be kept in the lap of luxury. But I'm choosing to give Veronica the benefit of the doubt.

Now, you all know I'm on Team Betty, and my sympathies are with her. But these first three issues are about Archie marrying Veronica and I, just like her, have to wrap my mind around it. Archie's done a lot of crappy, thoughtless things in his life, but it's not his fault Betty just so happened to witness his proposal to Veronica. It was a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Even though the panel is practically identical to the cover, I still cried.

It's unfortunate and dramatic, certainly, and makes for great fiction. But my big issue is that Archie didn't discuss it with Jughead. His best friend, who's witnessed every single Betty and Veronica endeavor. The one guy who's always been there for him, who's listened to his bitching and moaning. Archie didn't even think to mention to him because "he might not go through with it." The real reason Archie doesn't tell Jughead is because he knows Jughead will try to talk him out of it. And he knows Jughead would be right. But when one is love, specifically with a Veronica, warnings always fall on deaf ears.

The residents of Riverdale are overwhelmed with shock that Archie finally chose between his two favorite gals, but also concerned with Betty's well being. In the end, Veronica calls Betty and asks her to be her maid of honor. Instead of answering, Betty simply leaves the phone on her bed, leaving readers to guess what she will do.

We all know she's going to say yes. (Even those of us who haven't seen the cover of Archie #601 with a tearful Betty standing beside the happy couple in a hideous dress know it.) I found it touching the way the whole town was concerned about Betty. Most of the Riverdale residents probably always assumed Archie would settle for Betty when it came down to it. (Just like all us readers). I can't help but wonder what the reaction will be when Veronica is the one left in the dust.

Overall, my biggest issue with Part 1 is Betty's job. She should be an aspiring writer. And then there's also Archie's job. He graduated as a history major and he thinks he'll be doing something history related at Lodge Industries (fat chance, Arch). I hoped (before I read the next two issues) that Archie's lack of passion in his work would be a legitimate argument within his and Veronica's marriage. But you'll just have to wait until the next log to find out if it makes a difference.

DAF #30 - Peter Pan (1953)

"A jealous female can be tricked into anything."

-Captain Hook

Title: Peter Pan

Year: 1953

Rated: G

Run Time: 1 hour, 16 minutes

Starring

Bobby Driscoll as Peter Pan

Kathryn Beaumont as Wendy Moira Angela Darling

Hans Conried as Captain Hook/George Darling

Paul Collins as John Darling
Tommy Luske as Michael Darling
Bill Thompson as Mr. Smee

Plot: A young girl and her brothers are whisked away to Neverland by Peter Pan, a boy who never grows up, and all face the villain Captain Hook.

Based on: The play "Peter Pan" by J.M. Barrie

Setting: London, England/Neverland, 1904(ish).

Tagline: It will live in your heart forever!

First Viewing: 1990 after the original VHS release.

Comments

When I love something, I love it forever. Yes, I go through phases where I become possessed by a certain thing, I do my best to research the hell out of it, and over time it is replaced by a new topic. But I’ll love the previous subject forever, even if it’s not in my spotlight. It is a rare occurrence indeed when I fall out of love with something. It’s been known to happen. The song “What’s Love Got to Do With it?” by Tina Turner is a perfect example. I hate this song now, mostly because I overplayed it. It’s also the case with Disney’s 14th Animated Feature, Peter Pan.

Don’t misunderstand me. I do not hate Peter Pan. I just love the 2003 live action version so much more that it actually takes away from any enjoyment I used to get from the Disney version. It’s kind of sad. Not unlike when a man leaves his wife for a younger, more attractive woman who makes him happier. If I am the husband in this scenario, and Peter Pan (1953) is Wifey #1, then I spent last night looking through old pictures and home movies of a former love.

I apologize for this depressing opening! This is not about PP (1953) vs. PP (2003), this is about the Disney version and only the Disney version. But I thought you should all know that my love for this version has faded and can never be viewed through the same blind eyes as I did when I was a child. I'll try to make it through with few comparisons, but I'm not making any promises.

All this has happened before, and will all happen again but this time, it's happening in Edwardian London. One night, George and Mary Darling prepare for a party while their children act out a story about the infamous Peter Pan, a boy who flies and never grows up. Wendy, the eldest children, fans the flame for her younger brothers, John and Michael. However, after some slapstick, their father decides it's time for Wendy to drop her nonsense and grow up and move out of the nursery.

While George and Mary are at the party, Peter Pan arrives at the Darling house, looking for his shadow. Wendy reattaches it for him and as thanks, Peter invites her and her brothers to Neverland. Meanwhile, dastardly Captain Hook and his loyal servant Smee, wait for Peter's returns so he can exact revenge on the boy for cutting off his hand throwing it to a crocodile.

Hook's big plan is to use Indian maiden Tiger Lily to find his way to Peter's Secret Hiding Place, where he has taken the Darling children to meet The Lost Boys. Before they arrive, Tinkerbell attempts to shoot Wendy down, and is then banished by Peter. While he and Wendy visit the mermaids, John, Michael, and the Lost Boys to play cat and mouse with the natives. The Chief believes the Lost Boys have captured their daughter and insists on her return or they will be burned at the stake.

Peter succeeds in rescuing Tiger Lily and in making Wendy madly jealous. She is tired of her role as "mother" to the other children and decides to go home. Meanwhile, Tinkerbell has revealed Peter's hiding place to Hook and he captures all and leaves a time bomb for Peter.

Tink takes the brunt of the blast and miraculously survives. Peter returns to the ship, just in time to save Wendy from walking the plank. Peter fights Hook and succeeds in humiliating him into retreat as the blood-thirsty crocodile follows. Peter takes the Darlings back to London. Their parents return from the party, blissfully unaware of their children's adventures.

When I was a kid, the coolest thing about Peter Pan wasn't his ability to not age, it was his ability to fly. In fact, I wanted to fly so badly, I used my 3rd, 4th, and 5th birthday wishes on the ability to fly. This caused me to nose dive off my couch and get a huge rug burn on my face. Of course, I realized a birthday wish and happy thoughts weren't enough. This caused me to throw a fit in the Disney store when my mom wouldn't buy me Tinkerbell's fairy dust a.k.a. a $7.95 bottle of glitter.

I also liked the romance. Or the implied romance. Or the possible romance between Peter and Wendy. As child romantic, I enjoyed it when kids in movies had the romance I wished for myself. I always thought there was something between Peter and Wendy. I mean, she wants to kiss him! And she would have succeeded if it weren't for that cunt, Tinkerbell. (More on that later).

I think this is one of the cruelest unresolved sexual tension moments in the history of fiction. After reattaching Peter's shadow, Wendy wants to give him a kiss. Tinkerbell bursts out of the drawer and stops it from happening. Now, I can appreciate a good interruption if it means a sweeter resolution in the end. (Delayed gratification, blah, blah, blah). But this kiss is NEVER BROUGHT UP AGAIN!!! It's a classic Peter Pan moment, so of course it's included in this version of the movie, but then dropped once it's purpose is fulfilled.

Of course, I know there are millions that think that 12 year olds should not be participating in any kind of pseudo-romantic behavior even when said pseudo-romantic behavior is a chaste kiss. The whole theme of Peter Pan is growing up vs. not growing up. Although Wendy is fighting her maturity, it is obvious she is at least more sexually mature than Peter when she is willing to kiss him and he is still in that "girls-can-still-be-friends-as-long-as-they-don't-make-me-kiss them" phase.

I really could go into this, but since this version fails to show the importance of it and the live action version fully embraces it, I will save this discussion for the day I review PP (2003). Anyway, I'll get on to Tinkerbell. Like I said in my review of Hook, I have a hatred for Tinkerbell. That is one of things PP (1953) and PP (2003) have in common: I hate both of their Tinkerbells.

She's a spiteful, psychotically jealous little snot who wants to keep Peter to herself. Now usually, I'm all about rooting for the Friend Zoner, and Tinkerbell is indeed in the Friend Zone. But her behavior in this position is atrocious. I mean, making snide comments about the competition is allowable every now and again...if it's said under one's breath...and is entirely truthful. But hair pulling? And attempted murder? Tsk, tsk, tsk, Tinkerbell, you'll never transition that way. (Let's not get into their species and size difference).

Of course, this Wendy is also overly jealous. Look how she reacts to Tiger Lily.

And look how she and the mermaids react to each other.

And what the hell is so great about Peter anyway? Why do all these women/mythological creatures fancy him so? Yeah, I guess he's fun. But that's about it. It just furthers my theory that women always chase men that other women want, despite any obvious less-than-desirable qualities.

Okay...onto something else. I'm not really a fan of slapstick villains. I like truly evil villains. I like motives. I don't like villains that are eeeevil for the sake of being eeeevil (cough, The Queen of Hearts/Prince John, cough, cough). Up until last night, I viewed Disney's Captain Hook this way. After all, there's all those scenes with Smee and the crocodile. But up until last night, I had forgotten what a manipulative, cruel bastard Captain Hook really is.

After hearing that Peter has "banished" Tinkerbell, Hook realizes that he could trick her into revealing the location of his secret lair. He does his best to side with Tinkerbell in her anger towards Peter, but blames it all on other woman Wendy. Hook agrees to kidnap Wendy and take her away when he leaves Neverland the next morning but he must learn where she is staying. Feeling rejected and desperate, Tinkerbell shows Hook the way and quickly realizes her mistake. There are few women in Neverland, but some how Captain Hook learned the best way to get what he wants out of them.

In spite of her betrayal, Tinkerbell is redeemed by sacrificing herself to save Peter from a bomb. (In the play/book/2003 version, she drinks poisoned medicine). Peter's lair is blown to bits and he comes to understand that Hook planted the bomb. He searches for Tinkerbell among the rubble claiming she "means more than anything in the world." Not the hussy mermaids. Not Tiger Lily. Not even Wendy. Tink is number one. Since she's willing to be his friend without demanding more, she is the one that gets to spend the rest of eternity with him.

Now, this is good way to go if you're friends/in love with a boy of this age and mindset. It's lucky that Peter never grows up, otherwise as soon as he saw a girl his same size that propelled him over that pubertal cusp, Tink would be swept to the wayside and abandoned in Neverland to look after any remaining lost boys while Peter became a husband, father, and shell of his former rambunctious self. (Think that's harsh? Go rent Hook.)

Despite all my bitching, I rather enjoyed my trip down memory lane. I was struck with an odd sense of nostalgia. I remembered a simpler time when I all I wanted was to fly and I cared nothing for unresolved sexual tension. I wished I still loved this movie, but sadly realized I never would again. (It's just not good enough, damn it.) I try to enjoy it for what it is and what it used to do for me...but alas, it makes me want to curl up with my pillows and my prettier, smarter, more understanding wife.

Songs

"The Second Star to the Right" - Chorus
"You Can Fly! You Can Fly! You Can Fly!" - Chorus
"A Pirate's Life" - Chorus
"Following the Leader" - Chorus

"What Makes the Red Man Red?" - Chorus
"Your Mother and Mine" - Kathryn Beaumont (Wendy)

"The Elegant Captain Hook" - Hans Conried (Captain Hook) Bill Thompson (Smee) & Chorus

Favorite Song: "The Second Star to the Right"
Favorite Moment: Wendy walks the plank.

Favorite Character: John Darling

Next DAF: The Rescuers (1977)

I'm a Betty: An Introduction to Archie Comics

From my last blog, a review of the horrible TV movie, Archie Return to Riverdale, you can probably surmise that I love Archie Comics. Otherwise, why would I love such a piece of shit movie and take an entire evening to yank screen caps for the three people that read this blog? Since us Archie fans are in the middle of a ground breaking milestone, with the "Archie Marries Veronica" storyline, I figured it was my duty to offer my fan's commentary and criticisms. But first, it's necessary for my three readers to know just why I care so much.


I can’t pinpoint the exact date my mother introduced me to Archie. But I do know I was in the second grade. I was looking at the comic book stand at some grocery store. Perhaps if I had older brothers, I would have drifted towards Batman or Spider-Man. But alas, my mother geared me towards Archie, the girliest, dorkiest, lamest comic book known to man.


It was Laugh Digest #127. I think I still have it somewhere in a box in my attic. When I go home for Christmas break, I'll fish it out. It’s not that I thought the stories and gags were rip-roaringly hilarious. Nor was I yet fully compelled by the Archie-Betty-Veronica love triangle. No, I loved the simplicity. The Riverdale kids reminded me of the 1950’s. At the time, I was rejecting all things 90’s. Fuck Grunge. To hell with plaid. Give me sock hops. Give me malt shops. Give me wholesome teen fun!


After probably an overwhelming amount of begging, my mom bought me The Best of the 50’s in the Archie Americana Series. I loved it. I immediately enjoyed the Betty and Veronica stories best, with “Going, Going Gown” (a story about Betty owning a designer knockoff of a dress Veronica bought for the big dance) being my favorite. At the checkout stands, after more begging, my mom bought me many Betty and Veronica Digests and Double Digests.


In the beginning, I probably liked Veronica more just because she was the brunette. I had a thing against blondes because the bitchiest girl in my class was blonde. But Betty was the good girl, and I wanted to be (and was, for the most part) a good girl. So my loyalties switched.


Between Digests and random issues of Betty, I became well acquainted with the storyline: Archie Andrews, all-American schmuck liked both rich, spoiled Veronica Lodge and sweet girl next door, Betty Cooper. Despite Betty's unwavering loyalty, Archie dug the glitter and would often surpass study dates with Betty for concerts and charity benefits with Veronica. However, something deux es machina would occur like Archie's Jalopy crapping out on him, and Veronica would end up going to the big dance with some hunk in a flashy, fully working car leaving him dateless. Of course, one phone call to Betty would have her fixing his car in a formal dress, allowing them to arrive in style.


It's really a horrific pattern of abuse, but I, like everyone else who enjoys our cliche addled pop culture, liked to see the good girl overcome adversity and win...at least until the next big dance. Due to some tragic playground rejection (where the current object of my affection chose said bitchy blonde girl over me) I no longer just liked Betty, I felt I was Betty. I felt if I played my cards right, was willing to take a bunch of crap from the guy I liked and be loyal to him at all costs, I would eventually win over the mean, popular rich girl. (Taylor Swift's "You Belong With Me" video was my dream come true.)


I was a casual Archie reader until the summer of 1999, when my obsession fully bloomed. I was listening to an Oldies station with my best friend. The song on the radio was "Come on Down to My Boat" by Every Mother's Son. I told my friend how it reminded me of this comic book. I dug out my Archie Americana Best of the 50's book and showed her the first story where Archie buys a crappy boat to impress Veronica. Then I was reminded that "Sugar, Sugar", (the song I christened as the boy I currently loved and my song) was by none other than The Archies.


Thanks to the internet, I researched the hell out of the history of Archie Comics. I learned about the humble beginning. The successful run of the Saturday morning cartoon. The introduction of racially diverse characters. The Marvel crossover where Archie met The Punisher. And the (up till now) most controversial and talked about storyline: The Love Showdown.


During 6th grade, I assigned everyone in my class an Archie character. I was Betty, the guy I liked was Archie (naturally) and my main competition was Veronica. I lived vicariously through comic book characters for a year. I thought if I acted like Betty, I was sure to win over my all-American schmuck. What I failed to realize was acting like Betty didn't help the real Betty, so why in the hell would it help me? It made no difference if society was on her side, Archie wasn't.



Throughout high school and college, I went back to casual Archie reader. I mean, if you've read one, you've read them all. One thing that's always bothered me about Archie is the lack of canonical stories. There are very few things that carry through every Archie story, just personality traits, and even then it's a crapshoot. Imagine my excitement when the story "Bad Boy Trouble" came out. I wasn't so excited about the new look as I was about a storyline that continued past one issue.


Since then, there've been many "new look" stories, most of which I haven't followed. But this summer, my friend Amanda alerted me to the Story of the Century. I always knew that when Archie finally made his choice between Betty and Veronica, it would be the end of the publication. I didn't know if I would live to see the day. After some slapdash research I found that Archie Comics had no intention of closing up shop so I knew that the decision wasn't final...or it was a dream sequence or something.


Still, even I fell victim to the craze. Archie was proposing to one of the girls. Soon after I discovered it was Veronica. More research taught me there were six issues in the story arc. I guessed that three would tell of Archie's marriage to Veronica, and then somehow, through a soap opera-esque bump on the head (or some other such nonsense) Archie would travel back in time and marry Betty.


Well...I was kind of right. In future posts, I'll dissect the six issues of the Archie Marries Veronica/Archie Marries Betty story arc. I'll go into minute detail with every gripe and concern. So far, the first three issues have been released...so I (and everyone else) know about Archie and Veronica's marriage. I've had three months to stew over it.


So as I go through the first three and the last three, know this, dear readers: I'm a Betty fan. I am wholly on Betty's side. I, like many, am a Betty. If I could, I walk around in one of those shirts that said Team Cooper, I would. I'm also one of those that wants to see Betty with Archie. Unlike many, I think she would be terribly unhappy with anyone else. Do I think she should stop being such a doormat and tear Archie a new A? Yes. But give up? It's been 68 years...why now?