Saturday, January 28, 2012

Best Original Song - 2011

"Man or Muppet" from The Muppets performed by Jason Segel and Peter Linz

Movie Synopsis: Three fans help the Muppets reunite to save their theatre from a greedy oil tycoon. Adventures and wackiness ensue.

Does it appear in the movie (i.e. other than the end credits)? Yes...at least I'm pretty sure it does?
Is it important to the plot? From my internet research, yes?
Is it pleasing to the ear? Silly as fuck, but yes.
"Real in Rio" from Rio performed by Jesse Eisenberg, Jamie Foxx, Anne Hathaway, George Lopez, will.i.am, and the Rio Singers

Movie Synopsis: A domesticated macaw goes to Rio De Janeiro with a she-macaw. Adventures and wackiness ensue.

Does it appear in the movie (i.e. other than the end credits)? Opening and closing.
Is it important to the plot? SOUTH AMERICAN BIRDS LIKE THE SAMBA!
Is it pleasing to the ear? Saludos Amigos and The Three Caballeros have soured me on all psuedo-South American music.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Oh, no. Your eyes are not playing tricks on you. There are but two, I repeat, two--dos, deux, due, zwei, duobus--Best Original Song nominees this year. Why, you ask? Well, according to this week's issue of Entertainment Weekly:
"...the Academy's music branch introduced a rule change in 2009 demanding that tunes receive an average score of 8.25 or higher (out of 10) from branch members to earn a nod. And if just one song hits the 8.25 mark, the track with the next highest score gets a nomination."
Meaning: nothing is good enough for the pretentious asshats in the Academy's music branch. I mean, Christ, just for appearances throw in a third nominee. This is just embarrassing. It makes the category look pointless. (Which if you get down to it, the whole damn thing: film makers awarding film makers for the sake of getting awards is pointless...but I digress). In 1945, the category hit its peak with a staggering 14 nominations. The following year, the rules changed to limit the number of nominations to five maximum. Since then, only four years--1988, 2005, 2008, 2010--have strayed from this formula. But this is a new low.

It's hard to believe a mere seven years ago the Counting Crows's radio-friendly "Accidentally in Love" (from Shrek 2) was a nominee. And nine years ago Eminem's hoody-up anthem "Lose Yourself" (from 8 Mile) was the Best Original Song winner and a number one single on the Billboard charts. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

Sigh...anyway, what gets my vote?
"Man or Muppet" from The Muppets


It made me laugh. It's better structured. It's bombastic. It's something.

So what will win?
I'd say "Man or Muppet" for all the reasons given above AND songs from The Muppet Movie (1979) and The Great Muppet Caper (1981) were previously nominated, so maybe the Academy has some love for the Muppets. Plus, I have a 50/50 chance of being right. I like them odds.

Analysis
Before this year's Golden Globes, I listened to the five nominees for their Best Original Song category. Even though the Globes and the Oscars disagree on this category more than any other, I figured there could be some overlap. I was wrong, of course. It's unfortunate too because "Lay Your Head Down" from Albert Nobbs and the winning "Masterpiece" from Madonna's upcoming directorial debut W.E. are actually listenable. But the bestest, most awesome song?

"Hello, Hello" from Gnomeo & Juliet performed by Elton John and Lady Gaga


I love this song. It's catchy and a little weird (Come on, it's Elton and Gaga!). The first time I heard it during an impromptu viewing of Gnomeo & Juliet, I thought to myself "Oh fuck all, this will be my number one song." And so it was for several weeks. 

If this was a perfect world, "Hello, Hello" would be nominated for and win the Academy Award for Best Original Song 2011. Alas, we live in a world where two mediocre/okayish songs manage to rise above all else. Ugh. I won't give up on this category yet.

Also, I've been thinking about maybe, MAYBE, doing a Golden Globes Best Original Song comparison retrospective. I could also try to catch songs I missed (aka songs that couldn't be found on Youtube at the time). Hmmmm.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

My Heart Will Go On or: Is There Life After Boys?



Story Order: #5
Publication Order: #2 (1987)
Time Covered: 7th Grade

So Linda chose to go to the all-girls private school. Life and adventures awaited her. There was no way readers of We Hate Everything But Boys could stand to not find out what happened to Linda at Huntington. Thus, we get the first legit sequel in the Linda series and we wonder, is there really life after boys?

Plot Summary
It’s the day before the first day of seventh grade for Linda who is regretting her decision to go to Huntington. Whilst hanging out with The Crowd--Darlene (friend), Suzy (friend), Ken (Suzy’s crush), Harley (Darlene’s crush), Jeff (Linda’s “boyfriend”), and Sue-Ann (that skank who also likes Jeff)--Linda gets tired of hearing about how great a time they’re going to have at the public junior high, 515 and so she runs off.

Jeff (because he is so fucking perfect in a 1950’s sort of way) runs after her and offers to buy her a soda at the candy store. Later he walks her home, puts his arm around her shoulder and opens the door for her.
As he turned to go, he looked at me, and his blue eyes shone. “Don’t worry, Linda. It won’t matter that you’re going to a different school. You’ve still got your friends. And you’ve still got your boyfriend, too.” He grinned impishly, and then he ran off down the stairs.
Yep, everything’s gonna be allllllllllllllllllllll right.

So Linda starts Huntington and the only other person she knows is mousy Jan Zieglebaum. Instead of joining any clubs or participating in extra-curricular activities, Linda is anxious to get back home so she can hang out with her friends and Jeff. However, they have their own after school stuff which causes her to cling to Jan and her friends, Rosalie “Roz” Buttons and Fran Zaro.

Luckily, Darlene invites Linda to play in a coed football game in the park. Linda invites Jan who invites Roz and Fran--which as you can imagine, doesn’t go over too well. Anyway, Jeff tackles Linda in the game and we get a little sexual tension…
For a moment, we just lay there. His body was on top of mine. I could hear his breathing in my ear. I forgot about football. I forgot the pain radiating from my elbow. I forgot Jeff’s weight crushing my chest. All that mattered was that I was lying there in his arms, closer than I had ever been to him before. It was wonderful!
Despite believing that being tackled by Jeff in a weekend football game solidifies her position as girlfriend, Linda is pretty much cut out of The Crowd by Halloween. She is invited to a party (drink!) with Jan, Roz, and Fran, but decides to hold out for better things. Darlene rushes to get Linda invited to Lawrence’s Halloween party (drink!). Sue-Ann is a huge cunt (as usual) but Jeff seems really happy Linda could attend. They even kiss during a weird bob for apples/kissing game.

Hot.

After Halloween, most of The Crowd joins a Journalism club, so Linda starts hanging out with Jan and her Huntington friends, Merl and Helen. They go ice skating in Central Park and Jan gets sick. While visiting her, Linda hits it off with Fran and Roz. Then she goes to Merl’s birthday party (drink!)

Then comes the first snowfall and Linda goes to Suzy’s apartment building to ask her to go sledding. She grows nostalgic for the year before when she and Jeff built a snowman and bonded. While staring up at his window, Jeff comes up behind her and informs her that he and Suzy are now a part of the Choral Music Club. He invites her to their concert, but Linda doesn’t have a good feeling about it.

Linda asks Jan, Fran, Roz, and Roz’s older sister Lily to go as airbags. Linda is ignored by The Crowd, as usual, but Darlene invites her to pizza afterwards. Linda says no, to be loyal to Jan et al. and Jeff goes with his friends. However, every cloud has a silver lining. A hot ninth grade boy named Mark starts flirting with Linda.

In my mind, all these "older guys"
automatically look like teen idols from when
I was 13.

On a later date, Linda, Jan, etc. go to the ice cream parlor and accidentally sit next to some Older Boys from 515: Mark (dark-haired), Gary (blonde), and Randy (dorky with big ears). Linda realizes that Mark is super nice and that his smile is nicer than Jeff’s!!!

Then there’s a subplot about the Huntington girls volunteering at the Manhattan School for the Blind…which, yay, good for Linda helping the visually impaired.

Now back to the good part…Linda decides to have a New Year’s Eve party and invite The Crowd. It’s her last chance! But when she calls around, Darlene and Suzy are already busy and apparently, there isn’t another party going on…so, Linda just has a slumber party (drink!) with Jan, Fran, and Roz. They experiment with makeup and leg shaving! Tee-hee-hee! Then Linda chances to look out the window.
Under the glow of the streetlamp I could see them all standing there in front of Marvin Haven’s building. They were all dressed up, for they were going to a real New Year’s Eve party.
They were all there. Everyone who was anyone. Lawrence was standing with his arm around Darlene. Suzy was smiling up at Ken, who was stomping his feet in an attempt to keep warm. Lisa Finklestein and Rena Widmark were hovering around Harley… Then, as I watched, I saw them coming down the block. Jeff Davidson, who used to be my boyfriend, holding the hand of my archenemy, Sue-Ann Fein.
Fran, Roz and Jan comfort Linda and tell her that she’s better off without Jeff and The Crowd. Linda realizes her real friends have been there the entire time! Screw Suzy and Darlene! And screw the memories! The foursome vow to BFF’s 4-eva and only go after older boys!

So, we’re 85% through Is There Life After Boys? and we’re only to New Year’s. The last two remaining chapters follow Linda and friends in their quest to get the Older Boys to like them back.

REMEMBER
  • Linda likes Mark (brunette and seemingly perfect)
  • Fran likes Gary (blonde and a dick)
  • Roz and Jan like Sheldon (that baseball player from WHEBB)
  • Nobody likes Randy 
Linda and Fran attempt to engage Mark and Gary by asking them questions about photography n’ shit. Then this skank named Sylvia starts flirting with Mark. Apparently, she lead him on but then started dating an older guy. Fran decides the best thing to do is confess her and Linda’s respective feelings for Gary and Mark, because nothing else has worked so far. Amazingly, it sort of works. Week after week, the “couples” practice photography in the park.

While waiting to meet up with Mark, Gary, and Fran, Linda strolls through the park and sees her old friends watching the boys play a baseball game much like at the end of We Hate Everything But Boys.
“Oh--hi, Linda,” was all Darlene managed to say.
“What’s so funny?” said Suzy with a nervous giggle.
“Oh, I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Maybe it’s seeing you all here, just the way you were last year, watching the same boys play ball. It’s like nothing’s changed, and yet, at the same time, everything has.”
Then Linda turns her attention to Jeff on the pitcher’s mound.
As I watched, he tossed in a perfect pitch, striking the batter out. The girls next to me let out a cheer, and Jeff looked up to them for approval. When he looked up his eyes met mine, and for a moment he looked absolutely stunned. Then he smiled a kind of sheepish half-smile and turned his attention to the ball once again.
I watched him for a moment and found, to my great surprise, that I felt nothing. I could have been watching Harley or Ken, or even Marvin for all the difference it made to me. Jeff just didn’t mean anything to me anymore--it was finally all over.
At that moment, Fran enters with Sexy Mark and Sexy Gary and the girls are left drooling as Linda walks into the future with the Older Boys.


Analysis
I first read Is There Life After Boys? the summer after I graduated from high school. I finally had a debit card and the ability to buy used, out-of-print YAF from Amazon.com. The first thing I ordered was naturally the nine Linda books I didn’t own/previously steal from Oakesdale School District.

That summer, I started re-reading. The first two prequels were tough, but 2 Young 2 Go 4 Boys and We Hate... wetted my appetite. I would finally find out what happened to Linda and her own-true-love Jeff Davidson!!!

Wah-wah-wahhhhhahhhhhhh.

The first time I read Is There…, it sent me into such a mild depression that I couldn’t bring myself to finish the series. You see, just finishing high school, I was about to go off to college--a coed college, but college just the same. I was to be separated from all my old friends and my object of affection--not my boyfriend, but separated just the same.

This book was an unfortunate example that I could lose contact with my high school friends even though we promised to FRIENDS FOREVER! Jordyn no liked, bad medicine.

Fast forward to 2012. Upon re-reading Is There… a second time, I was less depressed.

First of all, Linda, Linda, Linda why did you go to Huntington? I mean, I get it. I get it, okay? Education is more important than your social life! You can make friends wherever you go! Real friends are loyal and will stick with you no matter where you go to school! I get it! But Jeff Davidson…there is but one Jeff Davidson and you let him go!

Hey, he could look like this one day!

I guess that’s not fair. In agreeing to be boyfriend-girlfriend, the imaginary contract clearly states that neither party is allowed to cheat. But he’s a twelve/thirteen year old boy. He has no integrity. Of course he’s going to go for Sue-Ann if she’s persistent enough. And Christ, is she. As much as I hate that little twat, she did the work and I’m sorry, Linda, but she deserves him. (I will admit that Sue-Ann’s only sins are being snotty to Linda. For all we know, she could be a much better match for Jeff. Just sayin’)

Seventh grade relationships die faster than carnival game goldfish, so I’m really only slightly saddened by the exit of Jeff Davidson. What hurts the most is the ending of Linda’s friendship with Darlene and Suzy. They’re were such good friends! Especially Linda and Darlene! They cried together and talked about periods! THEY WERE WHEBB!!!

Well, life goes on. Linda makes new friends who aren’t as “cool” as the members of The Crowd (my capitalization, btw). So what if Jan is underdeveloped and boys don’t like her? So what if Fran has frizzy hair and a “nutty” personality? So what if Roz…well, I don’t know exactly what’s “wrong” with Roz other than she hangs out with flat-chested Jan and crazy Fran. Whatever. Linda has real friends now, friends she’ll have until the end of the series!


Even though the word BOYS is a part of the title, this isn’t exactly a romantic story. It’s the story of how Linda goes to private school, loses her friends and boyfriend, and then makes new friends and gets a new crush in Mark. (Just Mark, he has yet to be given a last name). Oh, Mark…how…just…very bland you are. I know we haven’t really been given a chance to get to know him, but he seems to have no faults…other than liking that skank Sylvia. (What’s up with that?)

We have now entered the next phase in Linda’s love life; Older Boys. In the next book, watch as she chases after high school boys as it seems every girl in America does, except me. 

Useless Character List For My Enjoyment
  • Linda Berman - Protagonist (1-5)
  • Jeff Davidson - Linda's "boyfriend" (3-5)
  • Sue-Ann Fein - Linda's rival for Jeff (3-5)
  • Darlene Mason - Linda's best friend (3-5)
  • Suzy Kletzel - Linda's best friend (3-5)
  • Ken Wolfson - Suzy's crush (3-5)
  • Harley Silver - Darlene's crush (3-5)
  • Jan Zieglebaum - Other girl going to Huntington (4, 5)
  • Ira and Joey Berman - Linda's twin little brothers (1-5)
  • Mr. and Mrs. Berman - Linda's parents (1-5)
  • Jo Rondi - Big sister at Huntington (5)
  • Ms. Bouton - Linda's homeroom teacher (5)
  • Merl Marks - Rich friend from Huntington (5)
  • Helen Niven - Friend from Huntington (5)
  • Samantha Milken - Snotty girl from Huntington (5)
  • Mr. Lawton - Hot English teacher at 515 (5)
  • Mrs. Zieglebaum - Jan's mother (4, 5)
  • Rosalie "Roz" Buttons - Friend of Jan's (5)
  • Fran Zaro - Friend of Jan's (5)
  • Lisa Finklestein - Girl in the crowd (3-5)
  • Lawrence Carlson - "Mature" guy and later Darlene's "boyfriend" (4, 5)
  • Marvin Haven - Creep from Linda's building (3-5)
  • Mrs. Marks - Merl's mother (5)
  • Nora Whitmire - Merl's snobby and rich friend (5)
  • Carla LeClaire - Broadway actress friend of Mrs. Marks (5)
  • Ms. Jean Wise - Junior high division head the the Manhattan School for the Blind (5)
  • Harriet Crucker - Student at MSB (5)
  • Jeremy Layne - Student at MSB (5)
  • Lily Buttons - Roz's older sister (5)
  • Gary - Older boy Fran likes (5)
  • Mark - Older boy Linda starts to like (5)
  • Randy - Older boy and friend of Gary and Mark (5)
  • Sheldon - Older boy Roz and Jan like (4, 5)
  • Sylvia - Skank Mark liked earlier in the year (5)

Linda's Kiss List For My Enjoyment
  • Lawrence Carlson (4)
  • Jeff Davidson (4, 5)

Thursday, January 5, 2012

One Track Minds or: We Hate Everything But Boys


Story Order: #4
Publication Order: #1 (1985)
Time Covered: 6th Grade

Here we go. The book that started it all. Without precedent or fanfare came We Hate Everything But Boys in 1985. It was the simple story of Linda Berman and her two best friends who try, desperately, to get their "own-true-loves" to like them back.

According to Linda Lewis's website, WHEBB sold 300,000 copies (which I know, is like nothing compared to Twilight, but whatever). As simple as it was, something about the book spoke to pre-teen girls and thus, a series was launched.

Plot Summary
Just like 2 Young 2 Go 4 Boys, this books begins on the first day of school. Linda is looking for Jeff Davidson, "the most important boy in her life". We are given a brief recap of how the former Tomboy lost her heart on the basketball court when Jeff knocked her down and then graciously took her hand to help her up. Linda hopes that she and Jeff will be in the same sixth grade class, but oh fie! Jeff is in 6-3 (along with Linda's bestie: redheaded, voluptuous Darlene Mason) and she is in 6-1 with her other bestie: chubby and giggly Suzy Kletzel. Also in 6-1 are Harley Silver and Kenton Wolfson, Darlene's and Suzy's respective crushes.

After a flirtatious (?) run-in with their guys after school, Linda laments being an eleven year old girl in love with an eleven year old boy.

"Love!" giggled Suzy. "Do you really love Jeff Davidson?"
"Well, put it this way--I'm crazy about him! He's so cute in his lovable chubby way. He's got a great sense of humor and is always doing something that makes me laugh. When he smiles, it just sends shivers through me!"
The trio then decides to do the most sixth grade thing ever and start a club whose one goal is to learn how the boys really feel about them. They name their club We Hate Everything But Boys or WHEBB for short. Then they buy sailor hats and write the name of their crush on the inside. You see, they figure the boys will get curious about what "WHEBB" means and...start to like them...(Oh, sixth graders and their logic!)

Naturally, the plan backfires and instead of being mesmerized by the sailor hats, Jeff, Harley, and Ken steal them in a game of keep-a-way. The girls' secrets are revealed and everyone is humiliated. WHEBB decides to lay low until the whole thing blows over.

Weeks later, things seem to be okay when Jeff smiles at Linda from the pitcher's mound during a baseball game. However, Jeff has another admirer in snotty Sue-Ann Fein. And then Darlene gets sexually harassed by some older guys. She and Linda run away but Darlene is naturally upset that her over-developed figure brings her such negative attention. Linda reassures her that the other girls are jealous and in time, she won't stick out so much.

Over the next few months, nothing big happens. Nerdy Jan Zieglebaum has a birthday party without boys, so WHEBB starts prank calling their crushes in one of the bedrooms. They get in trouble. Then the sixth grade girls take an entrance exam for Huntington, a prestigious all-girls private school. Linda wants to do well on the test, but can't imagine going to an all-girls school and being away from Jeff.

After the first snowfall, she and Jeff have a snowball fight which brings them closer together. Linda gets herself invited to his birthday party, but then gets uninvited after getting into a fight about something so stupid and forgettable that I refuse to look it up even though the book is sitting right in front of me.

Then Ken has a party. A boy-girl party. (Seriously, drink every time someone has a party in this series.) Lawrence Carlson, a new and apparently "mature guy" likes Darlene. At the shindig, Linda is asked to dance by  Jeff, but she realizes she has chicken pox and doesn't want to get him sick. (Yes, yes, she did the right thing. But if I had the chance to slow dance with my sixth grade crush, he would have gotten infected.)

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold...

Linda learns that she--and Jan Zieglebaum--passed the Huntington test. Of course, her parents, principal, and teacher, Miss Delaney, want Linda to go to Huntington but her friends want her to stay with them at 515, the pubic junior high. If only she had a boyfriend to help her make that decision...

As the school year winds to a close, Linda, Suzy and Darlene each buy an autograph book with the intent of getting their guys to sign their sixteenth page...which is meant for the one you love...and everyone knows this, according to Darlene, and if not, they're living in the dark ages. Darlene's is signed by Lawrence who she's decided is more of a man than Harley.

Linda succeeds in getting Jeff to sign her sixteenth page:

        The door is locked; the key is in the cellar.
        There's no one home but Linda and her feller.
        (Jeff)

        Seriously, I hope this graduation is the foundation of
       your education whether you go on to Huntington or 515.
                          Your boyfriend,
                          Jeff Davidson


Then he turns right around and signs Sue-Ann's sixteenth page.

Yeah.

Not long after, Linda decides to go to Huntington, mostly because her parents stress the importance of education. Suzy and Darlene are pissed, but Linda claims nothing will change; they'll see each other plenty after school.

Hotshot Lawrence has a--you guessed it!--party to celebrate graduation. This one is formal which means Linda needs a new dress and, gulp!, a BRA. Lawrence orchestrates a game of Post Office and even though Linda is peeved at Jeff for jerking her around, she still wants to go in the closet with him. First she gets called by Marvin Haven who kisses her on the cheek and then Lawrence who gives her her first real kiss. Then she is called by Jeff!

        He bent down and kissed me hard on the lips. I had just started to enjoy it when he started laughing again! I shoved him away. Enough was enough! He hadn't paid attention to me all night and now this!
        "So that's your idea of a Special Delivery kiss! Well you can just call Sue-Ann's number from now on!"
        "Hey, wait a minute!" He was still laughing.
        "What?"
        "Just this!" He bent down and kissed me again. 
        This time it was a real kiss. It was kind of awkward. It was not as sexy as Lawrence's. But you could tell meant it. I closed my eyes and wished it could go on forever. But neither of us knew how to make a kiss last.
        "Better?" he asked.
        "Much better," I said breathlessly.

And if that doesn't seal the deal for you, Jeff gives her note written on a napkin before leaving the party:

Open this up and you will see--
That I like you better than Fein,
really I do.

So, everything worked out for the best. Jeff likes Linda, not Sue-Ann. Lawrence likes Darlene, to hell with Harley. And Suzy...well, there isn't anything about Suzy, but one assumes that nothing ever happens between her and Ken. Semi-happy endings for all.

Sort of...you see, a few days after this party, Linda goes to a baseball game and notices a ninth grader named Sheldon who is hot. She forgets all about Jeff for a second and wonders if an older boy will ever replace her own-true-love. (My guess is yes if she's already thinking about someone else days after she kissed him!)

The novel ends on a sort of downer note. Linda graduates. She remembers everything she went through and then...
Closing exercises are over. I'm walking out of the auditorium. No one is holding hands now. I'm walking by myself.
Analysis
Christ, where to start? First of all, I've read We Hate Everything But Boys more than any other book. I had always been a, how can I put this?, romantically charged young lady. Some call it boy crazy, but I wasn't crazy for all boys or even several boys. I found one and then stuck with him for years--yes, years--on end. In the fifth grade, I didn't have any friends who were like me in this respect, so I turned to literature. On the bookshelf of my classroom's piddly library, probably next to a copy of Island of the Blue Dolphins, was We Hate Everything But Boys.

I devoured it in one sitting, much like I did yesterday for this review. For the first time, I found characters who felt what I felt. Boys were the whole reason they got up and went to school. Every waking thought was spent on that one guy. Besides this book inspiring my entire writing career, it also helped me through sixth grade.

That being said, WHEBB just doesn't do it for me anymore. Oh, I still like it and all, but you know...I sort of grew out of it. This time around, I couldn't help but cringe at some of Linda's behavior. And I was a little bit harsher on the pacing and plot points.

First of all, Tomboy Linda is gone. There isn't even one throwaway comment like "I used to be a Tomboy but now I love boys!!!" She isn't completely a girly girl; bras and periods still freak her out and she never misses the chance to be physical with Jeff...and by that I mean, she chases him, steals his stuff, and has two snowball fights with him.

Oh, Jeff Davidson...I do still like you, you irritating little shit. You like Linda, then Sue-Ann. You're nice, then you're a dick...Suddenly, my entire romantic life makes sense to me...


Anyway, analysis...Linda, Suzy, and Darlene start a club devoted to learning the true feelings of Jeff, Ken, and Harley. Great. I'm sure many a sixth grade girl has done something better. But the sailor hats? Fashion aside, why the FUCK would you write "I like [insert crush's name here]" inside anything you take out in public?? Seriously, they were just asking for it.

And along with this, I was so surprised how many people knew Linda liked Jeff. She cheers for him (and against her own class's team) OUT LOUD. Repeatedly "shapely legged" Rena and rival Sue-Ann tease her about liking him. Having been in the position of having everyone know who I liked myself, I can't understand why Linda doesn't just lie. Or act. I guess liking someone at PS 373 isn't as much cause for gossip as it was at Oakesdale Elementary circa 1999.

Anyway...analysis. I was also surprised by Darlene being sexually harassed. Following that scene, Darlene also describes a similar situation when a son of her mother's friend attacked her in his bedroom. I know it happens and probably more often to girls as developed as Darlene, but fuck, you don't find it in light-hearted YAF of the 80's. Who would think something with this cover would contain sexual assault?

Second edition cover. Circa 1990.

Now, about that ending...Maybe this says too much about me, but there is no way in hell I would have ever gone to an all-girls school. Especially not at age 11 and especially not if I had a "boyfriend" like Jeff claims to be for Linda. But we most follow our own paths and if Linda wants to do it, I'm sure it'll work out for her...

But that wasn't the only thing that irritated my eleven year old heart after reading and re-reading WHEBB. Sheldon. Sheldon. That random guy Linda briefly eyefucks. Just who is he and what is he doing disrupting my happy ending? Linda and Jeff are meant to be! Elementary love is pure and forged before hormones completely take over our common senses. Go away, Sheldon! Linda doesn't need your straight black hair and muscles and deep, post ball-dropping voice.


Oh. Oh, yes. I see now.

At eleven, I still hated the ending. I even ripped out the last pages so it ended right after Jeff gives Linda the note at the party. Seriously. I had to buy a new copy in 2006. So, after spending one year coming to grips with her romantic side and another year pining and chasing after the Jeff Davidson, Linda finally gets him. But already it's not enough.

Useless Character List For My Enjoyment
  • Linda Berman - Protagonist (1-4)
  • Suzy Kletzel - Linda's giggly best friend (3, 4)
  • Darlene Mason - Linda's mature best friend (3, 4)
  • Jeff Davidson - Linda's "own-true-love" (3, 4)
  • Marvin Haven - Creep from Linda's building (3, 4)
  • Ira and Joey Berman - Linda's twin brothers in the second grade (1-4)
  • Mr. and Mrs. Berman - Linda's parents (1-4)
  • Mrs. Birnbaum - Teacher of Jeff and Darlene's class (4)
  • Mr. Wohl - Principal of PS 373 (3, 4)
  • Miss Delaney - Strict teacher of Linda's class (4)
  • Harley Silver - Conceited and handsome crush of Darlene's (3, 4)
  • Kenton Wolfson - Harley's second banana; Suzy's crush (3, 4)
  • Steven Warshinsky - Nerd in Linda's class (3, 4)
  • Rena Widmark - Bossy girl with shapely legs in Linda's class (3, 4)
  • Jan Zieglebaum - Mousy, nerdy girl in Linda's class (4)
  • Lisa Finklestein - Snobby, beautiful rich girl in Linda's class (3, 4)
  • Sue-Ann Fein - Stuck up girl who likes Jeff (3, 4)
  • Roger Hall - Older bully who harasses Darlene (4)
  • Georgie Johnson - Roger's buddy (4)
  • Mrs. Zieglebaum - Jan's mother (4)
  • Mrs. Davidson - Jeff's mother (4)
  • Mr. Wolfson - Ken's father (4)
  • Miss Chester - Substitute teacher for Linda's class (4)
  • Lawrence Carlson - Mature sixth grade boy who likes Darlene (4)
  • Sheldon - Older boy that Linda thinks is hot (4)

Linda's Kiss List For My Enjoyment
  • Lawrence Carlson (4)
  • Jeff Davidson (4)

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Jordyn's List: The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean (1972)

Reverend LaSalle: "I shall pray for you, Bean. This land abounds in ruffians and varmints. Their numbers are legion, their evil skills commensurate."
Bean: "Piss on 'em."



I am almost willing to bet my toes that you have never seen or heard of The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean. Considering it's a star vehicle for Paul Newman, directed by John Huston, and written by John Milius, that is quite a fucking feat. But in spite of the big names attached (and for reasons unknown to me) it fell into obscurity, reduced to a footnote on the epic resumes of the three legends of film.

So how in the hell did I see it?

Call it Fate if you will, but The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean was one of the few VHS's my father owned and so it was watched alongside my Disney Animated Features. Ah, yes, another movie from my childhood. It is with a heavy heart that I admit TLATOJRB is the one and only western on Jordyn's Canonized List of Favorite Movies*, but let's see what makes it so damn special, shall we?

The opening title card states Maybe this isn't how it was...it's the way it should have been, as we watch Roy Bean (Paul Newman) cross the Pecos River; the thin blue line that separates law and order from rattlesnakes and bad men. At a nearby brothel/saloon, Bean is robbed by the bandits n' whores within and then dragged behind a horse and left for dead. With the aid of a pretty Mexican girl named Marie Elena (Victoria Principal), he takes his vengeance and then claims the brothel and land for his own and appoints himself as judge.


In the next ten years or so (they're never quite clear on when the film begins), Judge Roy Bean rules over the area with his guns, hanging rope, and loyal marshals -- Bart Jackson (Jim Burk), Nick the Grub (Matt Clark), Fermel Parlee (Bill McKinney), Whorehouse Lucky Jim (Steve Kanaly) and Tector Crites (Ned Beatty), who takes over as bartender and narrator.

It isn't until about halfway through the film when a plot presents itself; Frank Gass (Roddy McDowall), a lawyer from the East, comes to claim the land as the rightful owner. But before that, we get cameos from Anthony Perkins, John Huston and Stacy Keach and a lot of scenes with a bear (played by an actual bear named Bruno) that PETA would shudder at if this film were made today.

A character driven western is about as easily found as a plot driven indie film...oh SNAP! While most westerns are about a conflict (i.e. treasure hunting, taking revenge, killing Injuns, protecting Indians, etc.), The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean is a character study and not much else. While Bean is a fairly static character -- determined, stubborn, and a little egotistical -- the people around him, and more importantly, the town of Langtry, mature and grow where he cannot. Ironically, Bean waxes rhapsodic about bringing law, order, respectability, and civilization to Langtry, but with it, he loses his importance because he has an inability to grow with the town.

Along with westerns being very plot/action heavy, they are also sausage festivals. The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean isn't a glaring exception but it's take on male-female relationships is worth discussing. One of the more appealing quirks of the Judge is his obsessive yet endearing infatuation of English actress Lillie Langtry (portrayed by Ava Gardner in dozens of posters and in cameo). Time and time again he praises her beauty and talent without ever actually seeing her perform. But because he can't be with the one he loves, he loves the one he's with, Marie Elena, the senorita who saved his ass in the beginning of the film.


In my most recent viewing, I was surprised at how often her character was present on screen even if Victoria Principal isn't given much to do other than watch Paul Newman adoringly, disparagingly, or to react to the goings-on at the Jersey Lilly saloon. Marie Elena's acceptance of always being second to Lillie Langtry is both heartbreaking and understandable; the audience knows as I think she does, when it comes right down to it, the Judge loves Marie Elena more, but it's one hell of a trip getting there.

One could write a senior thesis on the representation of women in the American western, so I will try to keep my conjectures to a minimum. I only wish to say that this movie presents both Marie Elena -- who bears a bastard child to the Judge -- and Lillie Langtry -- a known mistress of Edward VII -- in a positive light and as creatures worth protecting and cherishing despite their hymenlessness.

Onto something technical...as for the audio/visual side of things, well, I watched a literally 22 year VHS tape on a 18 year old VCR hooked up to a 13 year old TV, so as you can imagine, what I've seen and heard wasn't all that and a bag of chips. However, in the case of westerns, the grittier it looks the better. As with all westerns made after the advent of color, it has a sepia tone overlaying every frame. The score is haunting, underplayed and not a bit bombastic until the ending where it is called for. Also, if I didn't mention "Marmalade, Molasses, and Honey" a cheesy Andy Williams Oscarbait song, I would kick myself. It's pretty awesome even if it doesn't really fit anywhere in the movie.

The Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean is a deeper film than one may figure at first glance. As with any film, it is not perfect and suffers from a few pacing problems and a general meandering until the introduction of Frank Gass and the plot. However, it will remain my favorite western and a movie I will force upon anyone who mentions the genre to me.


*No, Back to the Future-Part III doesn't count.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Billboard #1 Hits - Introduction

Even though my plate is full, I'm still hungry...so here we go with another series!!!

I have always been a little behind the musical times and I blame it entirely on my parents. You see, they grew up in the late 60's/early 70's so by the time I came along in 1988, they had long abandoned listening to "modern hits". For the first six years of my life, I was raised in a musical bubble that consisted solely of Oldies. To make matters worse, I was absolutely obsessed with Back to the Future and that pristine version of the 1950's that never really existed. I was against all things grunge and angsty.

But as the 90's raged on, I would find myself liking random hits here and there ("Waterfalls" by TLC and "Don't Speak" by No Doubt spring to my mind) but my radio dial was pretty much glued to 97.3 KBSG. This continued, miraculously, through the teen pop era (although I would rather slit my wrists than admit that I liked "Oops...I Did It Again" in those days).

It was around this time that I became obsessed with Billboard's #1 Hits. I don't remember exactly what brought the obsession on, but it happened and for Christmas 2000, I was given Fred Bronson's The Billboard Book of Number One Hits (Revised and Updated 4th Edition).


It fascinated me how a song could be the most popular thing in the world one week, but then was inevitably replaced by something newer and hotter the next. Certainly, some #1's, for better or worse, are instantly recognizable like "Kung Fu Fighting", "Like a Virgin" and "Lose Yourself" but do any of you remember "TSOP", "Monkey", or "Always on Time"?

That is the type of thing this blog series is going to explore. Much like my Best Original Song series, I will be listening to each #1 for every given year from 1955 (the beginning of the rock 'n' roll era) to the present and then grading each song on its listenability and (where applicable) its endurance.

Remember, opinions are like assholes; everybody's got one. I am no music expert and I have certain biases and tastes that will probably make me way more lenient in the 70's and harsher in the 90's. But if you don't like it, do your own series.

Also, like my Best Original Song series, I'm not going in a specific order, because God knows I would get stuck in 1957 and never finish. Therefore, I'll be picking the years at random...unless my lovely readers have a year to suggest...

Friday, November 18, 2011

The Most Important Night of Your Life Or: Junior Prom



Written by: Patricia Aks
Publication: Scholastic - Wildfire #32, 1982
Original Price: $2.25
Purchase Price: $1.00

Unapologetically, I purchased this book for the cover (OMG, that pink dress!), title font (which is called "Christie" for all those curious), and publication date (1982). I did not read the blurb on the back before handing my dollar to the Value Village cashier. I was far too eager to delve into the YA masterpiece Junior Prom was certain to be.

The story concerns a sophomore named Amy--the most normal girl ever, according her friends. And like all sophomore girls, Amy has the most normal desire ever: to go to the god fucking damn hell ass Junior Prom. But for Amy to go, a junior must ask her and alas, she doesn't know any except for Jeff, the cute librarian assistant who would never ever be interested in a studious, bookworm like her.

But hope is not lost! There are three months until Junior Prom and Amy is sure to find someone. First there's star basketball player Grant, then aspiring rock star Len, and Hank...who is wild about gerbils...for some reason. Before each respective date with these young studs, Amy researches basketball, guitar playing and...gerbils to impress them enough to solicit an invitation to the JUNIOR PROM. But her plans naturally backfire as she focuses only on their interests in a completely obvious and cringeworthy way. Poor Amy is left without a date to the JUNIOR PROM. ☹

But wait, there's more! Jeff the Hot Librarian really liked her all along and asks her to the JUNIOR PROM in the last chapter! Yay, Amy!!! Yay JUNIOR PROM!!!

What a quaint little book this is. Quaint and completely aggravating. First of all, it's very obvious from the beginning that Jeff likes Amy. She's just too stupid to realize it and then we have 30 chapters of Amy chasing after guys we know she's not going to end up with. Sigh. Now I could sort of understand this if Amy was chasing after someone like Grant the Basketball Star, but come on, girl, Jeff works in a library. If there's one rule of YAF, nerdy guys are always easy to get.

Overall, I liked Junior Prom even though it, ironically, didn't include a single scene at the titular dance. The message is valuable in a sitcom sort of way: be true to yourself and your interests because there's bound to be someone else on this planet with the opposing reproductive organs who will like the same stuff as you. And hey, if he repeatedly tries to share those interests with you, there's a good chance he might like you.

Essence of '82 (Oh, boy LOTS of good stuff here!)

  • The library Amy frequents uses takeout cards. I think Oakesdale High School still uses these fuckers.


  • While trying to impress Grant, Amy reads a lot of out-of-date basketball information on Willis Reed (a former player and Knicks coach). He was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame in 1982.
  • On her date with Grant, Amy goes to see the "latest Woody Allen movie", although A Midsummer Night's Sex Comedy (his only movie of 1982) wasn't released until July.
  • Amy and Grant later go to a hangout called The Disco where the music is "provided by tape."
  • Grant comments on a girl wearing a "gold metallic jumpsuit."


  • Amy is supposed to write an article on the history of music from "the Beatles, hard rock, surf rock, right through to new wave."
  • Len's (the music guy) favorite artist is Bruce Springsteen and he hates Punk.
  • Amy's musical studies including learning about Eddie Money and Meat Loaf and his double platinum album Bat Out of Hell (which has since gone 14 times platinum).
  • Amy wants an electric typewriter for her birthday to take to college.
  • After Amy and Len's date, they go to a friend's house and listen to disco music. Amy thinks it's "awfully repetitive" while Len thinks it "has lyrical content and is good to dance to." They later listen to a recording by new wave band Human Switchboard.



  • Amy's brother chooses a singer who is like a "young Bette Midler" for their band.
  • Amy and her friends watch 2001: A Space Odyssey on Home Box Office (that's what they used to call HBO, kids).
  • Amy's mother wants to see Annie on Broadway, which was in its original run from 1977-1983.
  • Amy takes her little brother to Popeye which was released in December of 1980.
  • Peace Breaks Out by John Knowles is a new release. (Originally released in March of 1981)
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Note: There is a sequel called Senior Prom that I'm pretty much ashamed to admit I want to read.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Updates!!!

So, I've been a little lazy updating my videographies but this morning I felt inspired so here are the links to the new updated posts:

"Criminal" - Britney Spears
"Yoü and I" - Lady Gaga
"Somebody's Chelsea" - Reba McEntire
"Sparks Fly" - Taylor Swift


Your life is now more complete. You're welcome.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

An American Girl in Saxony-Coburn Or: A Royal Pain

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away I started a series on the Young Adult fiction I read as a, ahem, young adult. As of today this series has been revived by a lucky thrift store find!
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Written by: Ellen Conford
Publication: 1986, Scholastic Inc.
Original Price: $2.50
Purchase Price: 27¢

At one point or another, every girl imagines herself as a long lost princess. When our parents nag us to clean our rooms, when we can't afford that pair of $120 jeans, when the radio in our hand-me-down car won't work...we pretend there was some great mix-up. In truth, we were born to royalty and somehow switched with some lowly commoner. Sadly we are forced to deal with her petty white girl problems when we should be wearing satin ball gowns and riding in a carriage.

Of course it's all just a fantasy brought on by decades of Disney exposure. No girl would really give up her family, friends, and home for a life of glamour and pampering. Right?


Even though she was born in the microscopic European principality of Saxony-Coburn, fifteen-year-old Abby Adams is just a normal girl from Kansas. That is, until the day she learns she was accidentally switched at birth by a doctor drunk on elderberry wine. It turns out she is Dolores Theodora Marie Celeste, Princess Florinda XVI, heir to the throne of Saxony-Coburn.

Abby heads to Europe and is given the royal treatment. Her birth parents are all right and princess lessons are interesting. She even enjoys the media attention, especially from Geoffrey Torunga, a twenty year old journalist. However, Abby misses her basic freedoms and Dolores, her "twin", is not taking the switch well at all. And worst of all is Prince Casimir of Arcania, Abby's betrothed. His creepy amorous tendencies and hobby of taxidermy are major turn offs.

But Saxony-Coburn is broke and Abby's marriage will save the country from ruin. In a mere three weeks, on her sixteenth birthday, the wedding is set to take place. Abby must find a way to save herself from the horrid arranged marriage before it's too late. Geoffrey stages an assassination attempt and Abby escapes.

As you probably guessed, Abby is not really Princess Florinda. The evidence, a confession written by the drunk doctor, was really a forgery penned by an anti-royalist group. Dolores happily marries Casimir. Abby returns to the States with her family. Geoffrey writes her every week and plans on visiting in the fall (sure he will). And the story will soon be made into a miniseries.

I first checked this book out from the Whitman County Library back 2000 and was an immediate fan. In fact, this might have been my first Ellen Conford book. Conford is a drastically underrated author from the Golden Age of YAF*. Some of her other books include Dear Lovey Hart, I Am Desperate and Seven Days to a Brand New Me. Anyway, one of the reasons I loved it so was due to the innocent (but requited!) romance between Abby and golden Adonis Geoffrey. This time around I was amused by Geoffrey's...well, perfection. I mean, the guy has no faults! He speaks French and English, he was an Olympic downhill skier, he rescues her from the evil Casimir...sigh. No wonder I'm screwed up about men.

A Royal Pain is lighthearted and fun. Never for a moment do you think Abby is really Princess Florinda. You never fear that she will marry Casimir or that he will takes his husbandly rights every hour on the hour. You know it's one of those books that'll have a Just Kidding ending and Abby will be back in Kansas in time for dinner. And that's okay. We need simple rompy PG books like this one. A Royal Pain is great for a Disney Channel Original movie, and I say that with the utmost respect for Disney Channel Original movies.


We all known YAF is timeless, meant to be consumed by every future generation, but sometimes a few signs of the times slip through. Let's look at the 80's-isms found in A Royal Pain.

Essence of '86
  • Along with her clothes and personal items, Abby insists on bringing her stereo box (another name for boom box?) from America. 
  • Abby wears leg warmers to stay warm in the drafty palace and there is no reference to her being a ballerina.
  • No VCR's in Saxony-Coburn. :-( 
  • "Stayin' Alive" by the Bee Gees is played at the ball, unironically.
  • Abby roller skates around the ballroom while blasting a Def Leppard cassette tape. (It was most likely Pyromania released in 1983).
  • Abby and her family play Trivial Pursuit, which of course is still played today but reached its sales peak in 1984.
  • The miniseries version of Abby's story will star Morgan Fairchild (who was 36 in 1986!), the anti-royalists will be communists (yes, I know there are still communists, but I'll bet they're Russian communists), and her pet dog will be played by Benji.
  • Other references, not necessarily dated: Abby's brother watches Leave It To Beaver. Prince Albert (Abby's birth father) is a fan of Humphrey Bogart and Cap'n Crunch. Dolores has a stuffed Snoopy doll. Abby watches The Mouse That Roared (1955) on TV in French. Prince Casimir resembles Tony Perkins from Psycho. The Wizard of Oz is playing at the local movie theatre. Geoffrey says saving Abby is "just like Raiders [of the Lost Ark]". 
*That's right, 1970-1986 = fucking Golden Age of Young Adult Fiction. You saw it here first, folks!

Monday, October 17, 2011

Some Kind of Wonderful (1987)

What you have before you is perhaps the longest review of Some Kind of Wonderful ever written. Bathroom breaks will be needed. Read at your own risk.
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There's just no way around it. No one can write a proper review of Some Kind of Wonderful without first discussing Pretty in Pink. So let's grit our teeth and think of our favorite Hollywood celebrity while we go through this, okay?

In 1986, John Hughes wrote and produced a film about an arty and fashionable (but smart!) poor girl named Andie (Molly Ringwald) who (for some reason) starts liking dreamboat rich kid Blane (Andrew McCarthy). And (also for some reason) he likes her back. All would be fine and dandy if it weren't for Duckie (John Cryer) Andie's quirky and fashionable (but straight!) best friend who carries a not-so-secret torch for her. Also, Blane's typical asshole BFF Steff (James Spader) also (for some reason) likes Andie and gets jealous when she goes for Blane! Uh-oh!

Pop quiz! Who do you think Andie ends up with?

A. Duckie, obviously! He's the faithful best friend who's always been there for her!
B. Blane. I mean, it's Andrew McCarthy! No one was hotter in 1986 than Andrew McCarthy.
C. No one. Andie realizes she's only 18 and she'll find someone better in college.
D. Steff. He's rich. And everyone in the 80's is obsessed with upward mobility.

If you chose B, then you've seen the movie before, you cheater! Yes, yes...at THE PROM Blane confesses his "love" for Andie, and Duckie gives up and sends her after him. Then she and Blane make out in the parking lot as the credits roll.



While Andie the Character's decision making process could be discussed ad nauseam (and has), it is not important to us. What is important is that it wasn't the ending John Hughes wanted. He, all along, intended for Andie and friend-zonee Duckie to live happily ever after. But test audiences and studio execs and Molly Ringwald preferred Andrew McCarthy's Blane. Thus the ending was changed and in retaliation, John Hughes wrote a script where the best friend and the main character end up together. (Oops...spoilers).

Some Kind of Wonderful is the story of Keith Nelson (Eric Stoltz), an aspiring artist from a lower-middle class neighborhood. His best friend (and only friend, really) is Watts (Mary Stuart Masterson) a drumming tomboy from a broken home. But underneath her punky clothes and tough attitude, Watts is secretly in love with Keith and perfectly content to keep it secret. That is, until he falls for Amanda Jones (Lea Thompson), The Most Beautiful Girl in School. Alas, she is dating handsome, rich, philandering, materialistic jerkass Hardy Jenns (Craig Sheffer).

Does it sound kind of familiar so far? Yes, well, this is one of the many reasons people didn't take to SKOW. Most saw it as a gender reversed Pretty in Pink. Which I'll admit, on a bare bones level, it is. I could sit here and write an entire compare/contrast essay on these two movies, highlighting every Watts vs. Duckie and Hardy vs. Steff point, but that would simply show how these films are far more different than alike. So here is where we say goodbye to Pretty in Pink and concentrate solely on Some Kind of Wonderful.

So, after our initial introduction, Keith gets it into his head to ask Amanda out on a date. She says yes, but mostly just to piss Hardy off. Amanda's friends think she's gone crazy and insist she break the date with Keith and go back to Hardy. After all, this upsets their entire social structure. Ya!

Like several of Hughes' films, there isn't really a "plot". Characters just move through their day to day lives and conversations are what turn the tables and raise the stakes. Most of SKOW deals with the characters' reactions to the Keith-Amanda date. And the last third is the date itself.

Without much of a plot, characterization is fucking necessary and this film has it in spades. Even Hardy Jenns, the most easily maligned of our four leads has something to him. Usually we see the prom king at the top of his game, plowing his way through a field of freshmen girls without consequences. But Amanda dumps Hardy because of his cheatin' ways. His pride is hurt. How dare she dump him, the Hardy Jenns? While I think many would just move on, Hardy chooses to take a slow revenge. He made Amanda and now he will destroy her.



Hardy Jenns is one of those villains tailor-made for our hatred. He represents the worst kind of yuppie spawn while still being believable. And that's the kicker. While...ahem, similar characters seem like parodies of themselves, I truly believe there are manipulative bastards just like Hardy who walk the earth.

The Big Asshole on Campus is a teen movie trope we all know and love, but it must be discussed how Amanda Jones is not what you might think. Of course, when we first see her she seems like the typical selfish backstabbing slut-faced ho bag. Her early scenes concern fucking Hardy, sitting in Hardy's car while he torments Keith, sneaking back to school after she's fucked Hardy, and then shamelessly flirting with the driver's ed. teacher to get out of detention. Amanda doesn't do anything particularly bad but she's not a character we necessarily like.

However, she wins some points after finally breaking up with Hardy and accepting a date with Keith. Even when her friend Shayne (Molly Hagan) gives her an opportunity to weasel out of it, Amanda says she couldn't do something like that. (It just one little date, people!) After denying Hardy's attempt at reconciliation, he turns her friends against her and Amanda finds herself friendless and a social pariah. Her date with Keith is all she has left.

During the date is when Amanda really shines and where she gets to defend some of her flaws, which I will lazily put in quote form:
"I don't think anybody thought anything about me other than I look good standing next to him. And I went along with it because I'd rather be with somebody for the wrong reasons than alone for the right ones."
And later:
"I feel so terrible for what I've been doing. I hate feeling ashamed. I hate where I'm from. I hate watching my friends get everything their hearts desire. I gave in to that hatred and turned out what I believed in..."
So, the girl's got issues, but she owns up to her problems. She has every intention of changing her ways.



Admittedly, I hated Amanda Jones through most of my first SKOW viewing. Shockingly, I was on Team Watts so that came with the territory. But as Amanda became more sympathetic and not just a faceless cunt after Keith, I struggled. Being a likable character just made it worse. How could I hate her? I couldn't. For better or worse, Some Kind of Wonderful taught me that not all love interests/girlfriends/what-have-you's aren't all bad. They're just like you and I...only luckier.

At the center of SKOW is Keith Nelson, our atypical 80's teen movie protagonist. Just how is he atypical? For one, he isn't out to just get laid. Sure, it's crossed his mind, but Keith has a deeper interest in Amanda. Unlike Hardy and probably hundreds of others at his high school, Keith wants to discover the real person behind the perfectly coiffed hair. Here we have a character who appreciates physical beauty but knows without inner beauty, there is no point.

But even though Keith has a good heart, he's still an Outcast. As he says:
"I like art. I work in a gas station. My best friend is a tomboy. These things don't fly too well in the American high school."


Art is Keith's true love and for some reason, this makes him Unpopular. His sister claims he is "the weirdest guy" at their school. WHY? Okay, he likes art, but so what? It's not like he dresses like a "freaky art kid" if you know what I mean. He wears jeans and t-shirts, nothing that would attract negative or positive attention. In the crowd scenes at school he isn't harassed, just ignored.

As for the gas station, I find it admirable and impressive that Keith works there. It's obviously not his first choice but he embraces it and actually fixes the cars. We see he is logical/mechanical along with his emotional/artistic tendencies.

While Keith is a fine main character with depth and personality, I think everyone would agree that Some Kind of Wonderful is Watts' movie.

On the outside she's a tough-as-nails, slightly androgynous punk rock chick. She drums, she smokes, she wears boys underwear and she has no qualms about shoving a drumstick up your nose if you cross her. You don't fuck with Watts. But because this is a John Hughes movie, Watts is more than a stereotype. Underneath her leather jacket and baggy tank tops beats the heart of a loving, sensitive individual.



It's established Watts' home life is pretty shitty and she and Keith have been friends since at least the third grade. Although we are never given a window into the origins of their friendship, it's my belief that Keith was Watts' savior of sorts; she could go hang out at his home instead of at her own broken one. It seems natural she would fall in love with him as they entered adolescence.

As for Watts' tomboy image, it probably began as a way of fitting in with her one-off mentioned brothers and then became an easy guise. Watts feels for Keith so deeply it frightens her so she over-compensates by acting and dressing like a butch bitch. Unfortunately she is stuck in her own imagine and Keith doesn't think of her as a "girl". But that's the tomboy's lament; should I smile because I'm your friend or cry 'cause that's all I'll ever be?

Watts has the most interesting character arc in the film. Of course she is jealous when Keith mentions his interest in Miss Amanda Jones, but she believes he doesn't have a shot in hell. And there's no use fretting over something so unlikely.
Watts: "You couldn't score her in a million years. A. You're too closed up and shy to even approach her and B. she'd kill you. Chicks like her have one thing on their mind and you don't make enough of it to matter to her."
Keith: "You can't judge a book by its cover."
Watts: "Yeah, but you can tell how much it's gonna cost."
Keith: "Whoa, that's deep."
Watts: "You want shallow call Amanda Jones."
As SKOW continues on, Watts maintains her suspicion and jealousy. She's certain Amanda is playing some horrible prank to get her evil bitch rocks off. Watts and Keith eventually quarrel over it and we see that her jealousy is more than just romantic; if Keith dated anyone, let alone Amanda, he wouldn't have any time for her and she would be utterly friendless, cause let's face it, girlfriends don't like girl friends.

Then Keith learns of Hardy's plan to invite him and Amanda to a party after their date so he and his sycophants can beat the shit out of him. Keith, foolishly, still wants to go on the date. Watts agrees to help him prepare for it and offers to chauffeur the couple so she can be close to the action.

Mary Stuart Masterson's performance is like a soliloquy. No one but the audience sees Watts' love and jealousy and secret triumphs and painful realizations. The only character she interacts with is Keith and he's too caught up in his own shit to notice anything. The viewers feel closer to Watts because we have a deeper insight into her internal thoughts and we end up caring more about her than Keith.

There are so many wonderful moments in this performance, such as the scene where Watts tries to make Keith jealous by flirting with some random guy. Her bubbly out-of-character "Keith! Hi! What's up?" is great...


...as is her reaction when the guy congratulates Keith on his date with Amanda.


Of course the most memorable moment of the movie is the practice kissing scene. On the day of the big date, Watts asks Keith whether or not he feels he can deliver a kiss that will sweep Amanda off her feet and then offers her services as practice run. It's a great scene that is better watched than explained by me.


In a way, it's a little sad and masochistic; the only way Watts can get Keith to kiss her is to pretend to be Amanda. Perhaps it was her last little attempt to change Keith's mind about the date. Maybe if this kiss sweeps him off his feet, he'll call the whole thing off. No dice. However, the kiss is scintillating and my favorite in all of cinema.

In the midst of the love quadrangle action are subplots about Keith's social-climbing sister Laura (Maddie Corman), his budding friendship with skinhead delinquent Duncan (Elias Koteas), and most importantly, Keith's father (John Ashton) who rides his back about going to college. Oh yeah, to pay for this date with Amanda, Keith empties his college fund. His dad is reasonably pissed. And this is where the movie loses me a bit.

Right from the beginning of the film, we know Keith doesn't want to go to college. He wants to be an artist. Still, he works at a gas station and puts the money in the bank, probably to indulge his father. So it doesn't bother me when Keith decides to spend the money on something other than college. But Amanda? I mean, that's $4,200 (I read the production draft of the screenplay). $4,200 for one date. Granted, he buys her a pair of diamond stud earrings which, I dunno, is probably half of that? (Diamonds aren't my best friend).

This is where the materialistic 80's-ness really bleeds through. Keith intends to prove to Amanda that he's just as good as Hardy. But Amanda already knows that money ≠ good guy. Despite using him to get away from her D-bag boyfriend, we see plenty of Amanda's attraction to Keith's endearing charm. She knows he doesn't have money and she doesn't care. This is about Keith proving to himself that he is just as good as Hardy & co. and in the 80's that means $$$.

Watts dutifully drives the couple around but not without an attitude. In fact, she's downright snippy to Keith and tries to sabotage Amanda by hitting the breaks when the girl puts on her lipstick. Of course Watts' petty attempts do nothing even though she does get to say one of the greatest lines in cinema history.


"Break his heart, I break your face."
The first stop is a ritzy restaurant, then an art museum where a Keith painted portrait of Amanda hangs, and thirdly to the Hollywood Bowl. There Keith demands an apology from Amanda for using him. She snaps back that he is using her to get back at all the guys with more money and more power. Keith admits to the faux pas and they call it even. Then he presents Amanda with the earrings. Which again, THAT IS A HUGE FUCKING GIFT! That's like a 25th anniversary gift! Not a first date gift! In fact, no one should get a gift on a first date!

Sigh...whatever. Keith and Amanda kiss and are pretty much on their way to Couplesville. But there is one last stop: Hardy's place. Both Amanda and Watts don't want Keith to confront Hardy, but he insists it's something he has to do. By now Watts has thrown in the towel and waits beside the car as Amanda and Keith venture into a typical teen movie house party.

From here on out, SKOW is...how can I say this? just not...something. Hardy insults Amanda and Keith defends her honor, but the scuffle goes nowhere. Duncan and his thug friends arrive deus ex machina to take out Hardy. Amanda gets in two good slaps and she and Keith exit the house. (Is it just me or would it be cooler if Watts stepped in?)

Sigh...whatever. Then it gets...I dunno...something more. As Keith and Amanda walk towards the car, he has a sudden flashback of kissing Watts. Okay, what the hell brought this on? I mean, he just triumphed over Hardy, he has Amanda, why now?

Watts, defeated, says her goodbyes and apologizes to Amanda for misjudging her. She walks off with Keith watching her like she's suddenly Botticelli's Venus. Amanda recognizes his gaga expression and gives back the earrings.
"Remember how I said I would rather be with someone for the wrong reasons than alone for the right ones? I'd rather be right. It's gonna feel good to stand on my own. Here. In your heart you wanted to give these to somebody else. Go. Go on."
And so the princess learns a lesson, and an invaluable lesson it is. In fact, I quote this to anyone in a relation-shit. I've often wondered what would happen if Amanda had not been strong enough to be single. How long would she and Keith go steady? Hmmm...Luckily we'll never know although it must be said that Amanda is now completely friendless. What happens to her?

Anyway, Keith kisses Amanda on the cheek and runs after Watts. As she walks down the street, wiping the tears from her face, she hears Keith calling for her. She turns. He smiles. He runs to her, picks her up and twirls her around. They kiss.



I will say this, Some Kind of Wonderful has taken us for a ride. The first time I watched it I didn't know who Keith would end up with or if he would end up with anyone. Let me repeat that: The first time I watched it I didn't know who Keith would end up with or if he would end up with anyone. Can you honestly say that about any other teen/romantic comedy? No, you can't...unless you're talking about an indie film, but that's a horse of a different color.

After watching this movie dozens of times, I still don't understand why Keith changes his mind at the moment he does, other than the fact that the screenplay requires it. Even I, who is in love with this movie, can admit that it's out of nowhere. While we see how clearly Watts pines for Keith, we never see him show the slightest bit of romantic interest in her. Maybe the kissing scene. But remember he's supposed to be pretending Watts is Amanda, so...

Don't get me wrong! Keith and Watts should be together! And I am thrilled with the ending. Much of what I love about Some Kind of Wonderful is what it isn't. I love how no Brat Pack or John Hughes alumni are in this movie! I love how there is no gross-out comedy or inane comic relief. I love that it's just a date between Keith and Amanda, not to THE PROM. (Although if it were a date to THE PROM, the negative reaction from the preppies would be more understandable). I love how Keith isn't a football player and Amanda isn't a cheerleader. And most of all I love how Watts doesn't endure the dreaded makeover montage. Just imagine if she did...



Instead, Watts remains true to herself and still wins the guy. She doesn't drastically change her personality either, but matures as a result of being forced to deal with another person within her and Keith's private association. And Keith, having been through an adventure himself, decides he was chasing after something that doesn't exist. Keith forgoes the materialistic desire of having gratuitous arm candy. Keith chooses the real woman who actually knows him and cares about him.