30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 29

Day 29 - The Last Movie You Watched


Continuing my theme of movies about The Fame, I recently watched this number after months and months of seeing the poster everyday at my old video store. Plus, I liked the Oscar nominated original song. It was on Starz so I finally bit the bullet.

Country Strong (2010)


Six time Grammy winner and country music superstar Kelly Canter (Gwyneth Paltrow) is in rehab after a disastrous concert in Dallas where her drunken, five month pregnant ass fell of the stage. While in recovery, she has been having an affair with Beau Hutton (Garrett Hedlund), an orderly and aspiring country artist. Kelly's husband and manager James (Tim McGraw) decides it's time for her to go out on the road again, even when she is clearly not ready to do so. Opening for Kelly is another aspiring country singer, Chiles Stanton (Leighton Meester), a sort of perky Taylor Swift/Carrie Underwood princess. Love quadrangles, pills, booze, dead baby jokes....ah, The Fame.


Unlike rock or pop, country music isn't known for having their stars go bAt ShIt CraZY. (Or maybe I'm just ignorant because Behind the Music stayed away from country). Well sure, there have been a fair share of alcoholics and wife beaters, but not a lot of public meltdowns...save for B level star Mindy McCready (late 90's, "Guys Do It All the Time"). What I didn't know was that Kelly Canter was inspired by BRITNEY SPEARS. Had I known that, I probably would have sprinted to the theater.


Also Tobey Maguire was one of the producers. WTF? I didn't even know he liked country. Some fan I am.

Most of these films start with the artist's struggle to attain fame, then show how they deal with it, lose it, and finally end with them rising from the ashes in a glorious comeback performance. Country Strong starts at the bottom and doesn't improve much. Unlike Britney Spears, who is doing pretty good these days, Kelly Canter [SPOILERS] commits suicide in the last reel. And why? "Because fame and love can't live in the same place." Direct quote. Do you hear that famous people? You're fucked. Might as well end it now.


So maybe it's not the best message, but you have to give Country Strong props for going against the grain. More times than not these films end with the artist on top of the world and everything is hunky dory. But how accurate is that? Fame fucks people up, sometimes irrevocably. I could sit here and type dozens of examples, but you already know them. Kudos, Country Strong, for showing that fame is a hideous bitch goddess.

The Snow Queen (1957)

Original Title: Snezhnaya koroleva
Year Released: 1957
Country of Origin: Soviet Union
Run Time: 55 minutes.

How I Watched It: Youtube. Russian version with English subtitles.

Adaptation Accuracy
After the opening credits, we meet a character not in the original story named Ol' Dreamy (Vladimir Gribkov), a composite of the Sandman and Jiminy Cricket (seriously, the opening scenes from Pinocchio and this flick are eerily similar). It turns out Ol' Dreamy is pals with Hans Christian Andersen, and the Snow Queen is actually the product of our new friend and not HCA. And since we are good little children, he is going to tell it to us. (That intro lasts five minutes, BTW).

Cut from this adaptation is the Devil/Troll/Evil Being. The magic mirror actually belongs to the Snow Queen (Mariya Babanova). After hearing Kay (Anna Komalova) say he does not fear her, the Snow Queen purposefully breaks the mirror herself to send a piece into Kay's eye. From then on, the story is very faithful adaptation that follows Gerda's (Yanina Zheymo) journey, meeting every character along the way. Only once do we flash to the Snow Queen's palace to see how Kay is getting along. (In the original, we don't even get this).

Then comes the end. Kay is tinkering with ice pieces, but he is given no specific duty to put together the word "eternity". Gerda melts his heart and all is well, except the Snow Queen returns! One of my biggest beefs with the HCA version is the lack of final confrontation between Gerda and the Snow Queen. In this one, there is a confrontation, but it consists of Gerda saying "He's mine, bitch!" and the Snow Queen fading away...yeah.

Overall Likes: Accuracy; Brevity; Snow Queen's motive; That dead bird; The fat prince; The princess's romanticism; The robber girl's eye make up; Bae; The Snow Queen's character design.

Overall Dislikes: Weird rotoscope-y character animation; Not enough of the witch; That robber song; Lack of confrontation at the end; slapstick.

Final Thoughts: This film was dubbed in English and re-released in the United States in 1959. It had an extended live action opening featuring Art Linkletter and more songs. One can only imagine the disappointment of watching this after one had seen Disney's Sleeping Beauty, released the same year. Then again in 1998, TSQ ('57) was re-dubbed with Kathleen Turner and Kirsten Dunst. That version also fell into obscurity.

It's old. It's Russian. It's a bit treacly. But hey, it was the first attempt of a film adaptation. There are bound to be a few missteps. I'm actually quite impressed by how much of the original story is actually there. Han Christian Andersen's story is far from perfect. At times it is outright nonsensical and seemingly pointless. In these adaptations, I'm looking for some deeper meaning or a motivation. Why does the Snow Queen take Kay? Luckily, this version answered that question. Others, not so much.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 28

Day 28 - A Movie With a Celebrity Crush

Iwas ten years old and at Sierra McCoy's birthday party. Sierra, a flirtatious girly girl, had recently begun dating my object of affection, Chris Knox. Needless to say, I was not thrilled to be there. After a routine meal at Pizza Hut, we huddled into a crowded van and headed to the movie theater. On the way, I sang "Wishin' and Hopin'" (from My Best Friend's Wedding) to myself as I formulated devious plans to split up Sierra and Chris. Due to someone's poor planning, the only semi child appropriate movie at the theater was...

Pleasantville (1998)

None of the other girls really gave a shit what movie we saw. They were still hyped up on sugar and grease. I, on the other hand, in my pubescent despondency, needed cinema solace. And a movie I vaguely understood to have something to do with the 50's was pretty much perfect.

David Wagner (Tobey Maguire), a single and lonely nerd, routinely escapes his dismal 90's existence by watching the 1950's sitcom Pleasantville. His twin sister Jennifer (Reese Witherspoon) is the exact opposite; an airhead slut who embraces her decade. One night while fighting over the remote control, David and Jennifer are sucked into the black and white TV world and and find themselves as Bud and Mary Sue Parker, the children of George Parker (William H. Macy) and his wife, Betty (Joan Allen). While David tries to blend in, well versed in the rules of the sitcom, Jennifer is reckless and brings some much needed color to the pristine and pleasant town.

Back in 1998, when I sat in that darkened theater, alienated from my friends, I found a kindred spirit in David Wagner. He was awkward and endearing and obsessed with the 50's, just as I had been just a few years prior. It was very comforting to find a male who felt the same way I did, who was chivalrous and romantic and could spout off trivia without shame. Plus, he's drop dead sexy.

This is the movie that introduced me to Tobey Maguire, my favorite actor and biggest celebrity crush. It pleases me very much that I got in on close to the ground floor. Tobey had previously done some TV work, starred in the indie Joyride (no, not the one with Paul Walker), and had a supporting role in The Ice Storm. But Pleasantville, the first of his nerdy-and-thoughtful-young-man roles, pushed him into the public eye and my hormonal ten year old heart.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 27

Day 27 – A Movie You Can Quote Extensively

"How is he?"
"Well, he's sort of...wondering why you haven't told your parents that the wedding's off."
"I don't know. I'm still hoping for a miracle I suppose! I mean, how he could think my father and I would do such a thing!"
"I only minored in psyche, you understand, but...maybe Michael couldn't commit to this marriage so he created a delusion; produced an unconscious psychosomatic manifestation of...of, um...I'm better with food. Okay. You're Michael. You're in a fancy French restaurant. You order...crème brûlée for dessert. It's beautiful. It's sweet. It's irritatingly perfect. Suddenly, Michael realizes he doesn't want crème brûlée. He wants something else."
"What does he want?"
"Jell-O."
"Jell-O? Why does he want Jell-O?"
"Because he's comfortable with Jell-O! Jell-O makes him...comfortable. I realize compared to crème brûlée it's...Jell-O. But maybe that's what he needs."
"I could be Jell-O--"
"No. Crème brûlée can never be Jell-O! You can never be Jell-O!"
"I have to be Jell-O!"
"You're never gonna be Jell-O..."

My Best Friend's Wedding (1997)

Yet another movie I probably shouldn't have watched in my childhood, but watch it I did. Far too many times. That exchange from above? Yeah, I did that for my seventh grade interpretive speech, playing both parts.

It's the story of Julianne Potter (Julia Roberts), a two-faced, big-haired food critic who loses her shit when she learns her long time best friend Michael O'Neal (Dermot Mulroney), who was in love with her for nine goddamn years, is now engaged to the bright eyed and dreamy Miss Kimberly Wallace (Cameron Diaz). Julianne is ushered in as Kim's maid of honor and does horrible, not terribly imaginative things to stop the wedding before it's too late.

What makes My Best Friend's Wedding so damn quotable isn't so much one liners. There's a lot of monologuing or, at least, longer exchanges that involve two or more people. You don't just quote a line from this movie, you quote a scene. But for the sake of brevity, here are some favorite short ones:

• "She has known him for what? Five seconds? Plus she's got millions of dollars. Plus she's apparently perfect, so don't go feeling all...all sorry for Miss Pre-Teen Illinois." 
• "Oh my God, it's the bride and the woman she'll never live up to." 
• "We'd be the vengeful sluts." "You can just call us eager." 
• "He's got you on a pedestal and me in his arms." 
• "No, no, no, no! I'm a busy girl! I've got exactly four days to break up a wedding, steal the bride's fella...and I haven't one clue how to do it." 
• "This is my whole life's happiness. I have to be ruthless." 
• "What I mean when I say annoyingly perfect, is that there's nothing annoying about her perfection. It's vulnerable and endearing and that is annoying shit." 

I could go on, but I'll spare you. Just know this: I know this movie far more intimately than mere quoting. I know the choreography to the opening scene. Here's a picture of me and my poor cousins performing at a family gathering:

That's me in the middle with the really shitty wig. When I love a movie, I don't fuck around.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 26

Day 26 – A Movie You Love That Many Do Not


Just like that "good movie" we hate, we all have that "bad movie" we love. But with most "bad movies" you will find a small cult following of people who love Freddy Got Fingered just as much as you do. You lucky son of a bitch. I have yet to find a cult for my favorite bad movie.

Archie Return to Riverdale (1990)


If you are my friend, you have watched this movie. If you aren't my friend yet, you will watch this movie. This is the price of my friendship: an hour and forty minutes of your time watching this craptacular made-for-TV movie based on the ever popular Archie Comics.


It's fifteen years since the gang graduated from high school. In the days that follow his reunion, Archie Andrews (Christopher Rich) plans on leaving quaint little Riverdale to be a big shot lawyer in The City. Archie's best pal Jughead Jones (Sam Whipple) is a divorced and neurotic psychiatrist. Sweet girl next door Betty Cooper (Lauren Holly) is a grade school teacher with a tool boyfriend and sexy Veronica Lodge (Karen Kopins), four times divorced, plans on finally bagging Archie. And that sneaky Reggie Mantle (Gary Kroeger) is in cahoots with Mr. Lodge to shut down Pop Tate's Choklit Shoppe! The gang must band together one last time to save their beloved hang out from a hostile takeover!

If you don't like Archie Comics, there is nothing in this movie for you. Nothing but some cheap laughs over the lingering 80's-ness of the whole thing and the horrid comedy tropes of the decade. It's not really a movie for kids, but more of a nostalgia fest for thirty-somethings who read Archie when it was more relevant. The Archie universe is such a clean and wholesome place, but this movie brings in some much needed maturity. There's sex (or sensuality), cussing, divorce...that's about it. No one is on drugs or gay or anything else that's in this awesome fan video:

Still, I love Archie and I love this movie. Sometimes there's just no accounting for taste.

Note: Archie Return to Riverdale (known as Archie To Riverdale and Back Again during its original NBC airing) has not seen a U.S. DVD release. A VHS version became available in the mid-90's and is can be purchased on the Archie Comics website. However, there is a French dubbed version in Region 1. Go figure.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 25

Day 25 – A Well-Liked Movie That You Don’t Care For


We've all have one: a movie the whole damn world thinks is the bees knees, but you think is shit or tripe or overrated or just plain not-so-great. Everyone is entitled to their opinion of course. I'm sure no one will hold it against you if you didn't like The Hangover or the new Star Trek. But what if you detest an older movie? A bonafide classic?

It's A Wonderful Life (1946)


It seems that everyone is wet for this one. I, unlike the other six billion people on this planet, did not grow up with this Christmas staple. Sure, I'd heard of it--"Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings!"--and I'd seen it parodied on The Simpsons. But it wasn't until high school during my failed attempt to see all the Best Picture Nominees that I finally saw this supposed uplifting tale of the importance of a simple man's life.


I didn't like it. This is supposed to make me feel good? A man, one George Bailey (James Stewart) spends his whole life stuck in shitty New Bedford, working at the Building and Loan, constantly battling the eeevil Mr. Potter (Lionel Barrymore) and never, ever getting to go on one measly vacation? Not even a honeymoon with his loving wife, Mary (Donna Reed)? Well, one night, specifically Christmas Eve, George decides to end it all but Clarence Odbody (Henry Travers), a second class angel intervenes and shows George just what the world would be like if he were never born.

This poor man is used and pushed around and taken for granted...but no matter, he's made such a difference in everyone else's life! Without him, where would the New Bedfordites be? Get your panties out of a knot, I get the point of the movie: It's not all about You, give to others. But Jesus H. Christ, there's a limit to what one man can take! 


Yeah, George sees the light and Everything's Gonna Be Alllllll Right. But that doesn't change how miserable the previous two hours were! That doesn't change the end where life just goes on. If this is such a happy-go-lucky film, why doesn't everyone pitch in and send George on that vacation he's always wanted? Exactly. It's not a wonderful life, it's a sad-sack existence of never getting a the one thing you want.


People love this movie and if you are one of them, good for you. I'm sure that it's helped many a sad soul on a Christmas night, so I would never wish it gone from the face of the planet. But most of it depresses me which a "feel-good movie" shouldn't do.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 24

Day 24 - A Movie You Watch For Comfort Food


Truly, when I'm feeling like shit, the first movie I put in is Beauty and the Beast. But since that is my favorite favorite movie of all time, I'm not going to write about it now just in case Andrew has a "favorite favorite movie" category. So here is the close second.

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982)


I discovered E.T. far too late in the game. Well, no one can really discover E.T. It's one of those movies that everyone knows about even if they've never seen it. And like all children in the VCR era, I was plopped in front of the TV with this movie playing at one point or another. But short of this one flickering memory, I hadn't seen it since cinephilia over took me in the early 2000's.


Then one day, a few months ago, I was feeling blue and wanted to watch something that I knew had a slow pace. Maybe one of those early 80's movies. E.T. is from 1982. Why not that? So I rented it. And I fell in love.


Everyone knows the story, but here it is for posterity's sake: A group of botanist aliens are collecting plants on Earth. Some guys with flashlights (the evil U.S. government) show up and the aliens flee, however, they leave one of their own behind. Soon after, a boy named Elliot (Henry Thomas) discovers the alien and names him E.T. (voiced mainly by Pat Welsh). Elliot then introduces E.T. to his skeptical teen brother (Robert MacNaughton) and his precocious little sister (Drew Barrymore) while trying to hide him from his mother (Dee Wallace Stone). Although he grows closer to Elliot, E.T. attempts to communicate with his home planet as the evil government tries to figure out just what the hell is going on.

What can I say? E.T. is just one of those classic movies that I really, really wish I had earlier in my life. Not only is it a great family film, it's just a great film period. (It was nominated for Best Picture even). I find comfort in its slow pace and messages of friendship and love. Plus, the early 80's clothing and trends. I'm particularly fond of the Dungeons & Dragons scene and when Elliot introduces his actions figures to E.T. (Haha, Boba Fett. The Empire Strikes Back had just come out!)


And sweet Henry Thomas...what a hottie you turned out to be.


E.T. kicks ass. Peace.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 23

Day 23 – A Movie You Walked Out Of/Straight-Up Stopped Watching


I have never walked out of a movie theatre. It's my policy to stay to the bitter end if I've put down the money to see that damn thing...or if someone else paid for my ticket, then I feel obligated out of guilt. There have been a few I would have liked to walk out of. (Battlefield Earth. Don't ask.) And then there have been a few awful movies that I probably couldn't have gotten through without booze, but there is only one that comes to mind that I haven't finished sober.

Meatballs (1979)


I liked camp. I went to camp when I was a child. I was a counselor when I was older. I read a lot of camp themed books, most of which were set in the late 70's and early 80's for some reason. Little Darlings (1980) (set at camp) is one of my favorite movies of all time. I also have a weakness for anything made between 1976 and 1982, so by all accounts, I should go bat shit crazy over "the best camp movie EVER", Meatballs.


Nope. I shut it off twenty minutes in.


Here's what you need to know: Bill Murray plays Tripper Harrison the leader of the CIT's (counselors-in-training) at Camp North Star. A sad ☹ camper named Rudy (Chris Makepeace) is sad ☹ at camp. Sad ☹ music plays whenever Bill Murray talks to him. Hijinks happen. PG hijinks.


Okay, in Meatballs's defense, I watched it on a really shitty VHS tape from my video store. The tape needed to retire. It was fuzzy and buzzing and I couldn't really understand anything, but even so...I was freakin' bored! There was no real plot to follow. The characters were complete archetypes. Plus I don't like Bill Murray.

Love the clothes, though.

Sunfire Romance - Amanda (#1)

So...have I mentioned I'm living in my parents' basement without my beloved movie collection? Well, I am. After scouring through their VHS's (yes, all the Star Trek movies) I must return to books. Luckily I have a decent book shelf of YA including a few of the beloved Sunfire Romance series.

What's a Sunfire you ask? You must have not have come of age in the 80's...or with 80's YA literature the way I did. A Sunfire is a young adult romance novel about a girl--whose name is always the title--who must choose between two men during an event in American history. Between 1984 and 1989, 32 of these novels were published. I have just finished the first one, so what the hell? Why not blog about it?

It's 1846, Boston, Massachusetts. Sixteen year old Amanda Bentley has a seemingly perfect life. Despite her mother dying when she was twelve and her father, Thaddeus, being a gambling addict, Amanda has found happiness with rich and dignified (but not assholish) Joseph White, the son of her mother's best friend. The two plan to marry...or more accurately, Amanda plans on it. Joseph simply asks her to "wait for him until he's done with school."

But Amanda doesn't get the chance. With some loan-shark types on his ass, Thaddeus forces his daughter to pack no more than two dresses and the two set out on horseback. While staying in an inn, Thaddeus decides, "Hey, why not join that Oregon Trail?" so they travel to Independence, MO, build a wagon, and then set out west.

It's been a while since I've read any book about the Oregon Trail, but man, did it suck! The same food day after day, sometimes no food, sometimes no water, blistering heat, freezing temperatures, disease, death...fuck, no wonder Amanda's such a bitch. Well, she sort of was before they even left Missouri, but wouldn't you be if your father forced you to leave your life behind at a moment's notice?

Yes, life is fucking grim on the Oregon Trail, but Helen Jorgenson, one of the only teen girls in the wagon train, remains upbeat. Helen attempts to befriend Amanda, but she is intent to stay surly and inward the whole way. Besides, any day now, Joseph will come riding up on his noble steed to carry her back to Boston. Also on the trip is meek and goodhearted "Melanie Hamilton-esque" Serena Hawkins who is possibly engaged to Ben Compton, the wagon master's son.

Amanda's thoughts of Joseph disappear when Ben starts sniffing around. Ben is one hot piece of ass, snarky and teasing, but ready to save Amanda whenever she finds herself in trouble. And he doesn't hate the Mormons and disagrees with slavery. In short, he's perfect for an 80's heroine...if only it weren't for Serena! As it turns out, they're not really engaged. Whew! Glad that was cleared up.

One of the backbones of a Sunfire novel is the love triangle. Supposedly, our heroine must struggle through the whole book before she discovers which of her beaux is best for her. There is no such struggle for Amanda. Joseph is absent after Chapter 2. Only his memory gives her trouble, but then Amanda rationalizes that he's probably forgotten all about her. Besides out west is no place for a proper Boston dandy.

Then I started to think Joseph might come after her after all. Wouldn't that be something? Amanda and Ben would be all happy after arriving in Oregon, about to get married and here comes Joseph! "My darling Amanda! I left as soon as I got your letter. I never told you how much I longed to live in Oregon, and here we are! Let us start a new life!" Alas, nothing like that happens. In fact, Joseph just sort of slips out of Amanda's mind.

By the time she reaches Oregon, Amanda is no longer a flighty little bitch, but a strong, determined young woman. On other sites I've seen criticism regarding Amanda's bitchiness. But if she weren't so hard-edged, she probably would have died somewhere in Nebraska. In the words of the great Stephen King: "Sometimes being a bitch is all a woman has to hold onto."

Quick Notes (for my amusement and later discussion)
# in Series: 1
Copyright: 1984
Author: Candice F. Ransom (Book 1 of 6)

Heroine: Amanda Bentley -- dark brown, naturally curly, waist-length hair; golden-green eyes.
Family: Thaddeus (father); Eleanor (mother, deceased)
Suitor #1: Joseph White -- milquetoast son of a banker. Light red hair, tall and thin.
Suitor #2: Benjamin Wesley "Ben" Compton -- charming son of the wagon master. Blonde hair that "glints like gold; blue eyes.
Friends: Helen Jorgenson, Serena Hawkins.
Enemies: None

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 22

Day 22 - A Movie That Made You Cry


Pfft. It's more like what movie DOESN'T make me cry. Catch me on the wrong day and I might weep during Pee Wee's Big Adventure. [Cut to a scene where Jordyn is clutching her Spider-Man pillow whispering, "I just don't understand why he can't find his bike!"] I've cried during sad moments, happy moments, out of depression and relief and I'm never ashamed, no matter that my eyeliner is blackening my cheeks as I exit the theatre. So let's go with something I am ashamed of.

Bubble Boy (2001) 


WARNING: This post contains spoilers for the ending of Bubble Boy, so read on at your own discretion. That said, Bubble Boy is a shitty, ten year old comedy that nobody really cares about, so there’s a good chance this warning will mean nothing to you, as you’re likely to never see it or care to.


Okay. I was thirteen. Hormones were raging. I can't remember exactly, but it might have been one of those days. My friend Ashley invited me over to watch it. She always had newish movies that slipped under the radar. At first, I was skeptical. Fast forward 76 minutes and I'm bawling on the floor.


The titular boy is Jimmy Livingston (Jake Gyllenhaal. Yes, Oscar nominee Jake Gyllenhaal), a child born without immunities who lives in a giant plastic bubble. By the time he grows into a teenager, Jimmy has fallen in love with the girl next door, Chloe (Marley Shelton), who is nice enough befriend him. Jimmy's over religious and protective mother (Swoosie Kurtz) disapproves of the relationship. Chloe eventually dates mullet-wearing douche bag Mark (Dave Sheridan) and agrees to marry him. Jimmy then sets out across the country in a home made bubble suit to stop the wedding.


So what made me cry, exactly? Well, Jimmy makes it to church right before Chloe says her vows. He rips out of his bubble suit--which will kill him, remember--and says "I'd rather spend one minute holding you than a lifetime knowing I never could." Then he kisses her, tells her he loves her and collapses.

"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" goes thirteen year old Jordyn.


And then you find out he's not really dead. His mother was a psycho who wanted to keep him safe from the world. He's fine. Jimmy and Chloe later get married.


In my defense, I'm a sucker for "crying over the dead body" scenes. It started with Beauty and the Beast and has snowballed ever since. I don't really think it needs explanation. I mean, they're dead and you can't do anything to bring them back...unless it's a movie. Then nine times out of ten, they come back through some kind of magic and then you really start to cry.


Sigh. I was thirteen. Leave me alone.

30 Day Movie Challenge - Day 21

Day 21 – A Sequel/Remake/Reboot that Wasn’t Worth the Celluloid it Was Filmed On


I so desperately wanted to write about Heathcliff: a musical remake of Wuthering Heights. But then I remembered, through my hate driven narrative, Heathcliff is a filmed stage musical, not a movie. Damn it. I do not feel such hatred towards any other remake...or sequel...or reboot as I do towards that festering abomination. But rulz is rulz.

Red Riding Hood (2011)


The public domain fairy tale is subject to much remaking, retooling, and reimagining. Everyone knows the story of the girl in the red cape sent to her granny's house who is subsequently tricked by a cross-dressing wolf. And everyone's tired of it. To appeal to today's teenager, that story needs a complete overhaul--Tim Burtonesque edginess, sexual tension, and an unnecessary love triangle.


For all those things to work, Red Riding Hood needs to be not so Little. Teenager Valerie (Amanda Seyfried) lives on the edge of the deep, dark forest with her father Cesaire (Billy Burke), her mother Suzette (Virginia Madsen), and her not-as-attractive-as-Amanda Seyfried sister Lucie (Alexandria Malliot). Since childhood, Valerie has been in lurve with the humble (but dangerous and sexy) woodcutter, Peter (Shiloh Fernandez) but her parents want her to marry Henry (Max Irons) the son of a wealthy blacksmith. In the nearby village of Daggerhorn, all hell breaks loose when The Wolf murders its first human in years: Lucie. The town is sent into a frenzy to discover who the wolf is and many suspect Peter.


Also, Valerie's grandmother (Julie Christie) gives her a red cape.


With only a few plot elements--the titular riding hood, the wolf, the grandmother--the film should not have the right to call itself "Red Riding Hood". This film is merely a wolf in Twilight's clothing.


And here we go. Twilight: the whole reason for this movie's existence. Vampires are everywhere (or were? Is is dying down yet?) but what about all those on Team Jacob? How can those werewolf fans get their fix? I can only surmise that studio execs happened to remember that Little Red Riding Hood had a wolf in it and perhaps if they aged the heroine, they could make the wolf broodingly sexy. It practically writes itself! And what about that chick that directed the first Twilight movie? She's not doing anything, let's get her to helm this thing!


To make the film more "Twilighty", a love triangle is thrown in...kinda. In the first five minutes, we learn of Valerie and Peter's love, true and unwavering. Then we learn she is promised to kind and rich, but boring, Henry. (Because you can never have a wealthy, interesting fiancee in these things. Young girls must learn principles. Life will be difficult in your crumbling little cottage, with five bairns clamoring at your apron strings. To escape life, you husband may drink a little too much ale and spend a little too much time  at the tavern with those lusty wenches. But it's okay. You did the right thing. You married for love...or that twitching in between your legs you thought was love...I digress.) 


As an audience, we're supposed to like Peter more because THAT'S WHO VALERIE LIKES MORE. Never does she show an interest in Henry. Never. There is no conflict. Valerie never has a moment of "Oh no, I thought I loved Peter, so why am I having these stirrings towards Henry?" And so what if Peter might be the wolf? It makes him all the more sexy and appealing. There is no choice to be made here. If you ask me, they're both boring. They look the same too.

So when I say Red Riding Hood is a remake not worth the celluloid it was filmed on, I don't mean it's an outright oozing pimple on the face of cinema. It's more like a freckle; millions just like it with nothing to set it aside from the other live action "gritty" fairy tale remakes. It's a waste of time, without even a sex scene or gory death to recommend it.

Taylor Swift Videography: Speak Now (2010)

Only four short years and here we are in the modern era of Taylor videoum. I will say this, I'm quite pleased with staticism. There hasn't been a lot of change, has there? She started with cinematic videos that, even if they didn't have a story, at least they made sense. Luckily, she hasn't gone off the deep end and I'm glad. And no crappy footage videos...yet. Keep up the good work, Taylor!

Order: 16

Title: "Mine"

Album: Speak Now (2010)

Song Premise: A formerly cautious girl looks back on her relationship.

Video Premise: Taylor enters a diner, sees a fighting couple and remembers her parents fighting. A cute waiter takes her order. They are immediately attracted to one another so a relationship begins. After a few dates, he proposes. But uh oh, there's trouble in paradise and Taylor and Waiterboy are fighting too! But they make up and we are treated to scenes of their wedding and life with two sons.

Comments: I wasn't really impressed with the lead single off of Speak Now. It's still not my favorite, but the video is good. Perfect representation of the song.

Order: 17

Title: "Back to December"

Album: Speak Now (2010)

Song Premise: Taylor regrets dumping her boyfriend after seeing him again.

Video Premise: Taylor writes a letter as snow falls around her inside her house. Meanwhile, her ex boyfriend walks away.

Comments: This is definitely the most arty of Taylor's videos. Sometimes, I'm a fan of concept vs. a story, and I think this one works pretty well. We already saw "flashbacks to happier times" in the "Tim McGraw" and "White Horse" videos. This is in the moment which is ironic because the song is about reminiscing.

Order: 18

Title: "Mean"

Album: Speak Now (2010)

Song Premise: People are mean to Taylor :-(

Video Premise: Taylor plays a banjo on stage. Then she is kidnapped by some vagrants who tie her to a railroad track. A boy is bullied for having a fashion magazine. A girl is teased for working at a fast food restaurant. Another girl has to eat alone in the bathroom. Go back to Taylor being a star in a fancy dress on a fancy stage. Yay Taylor!

Comments: Oh, is this song juvenile! Every time I hear it I'm amazed. Grown ups don't call people "mean", grown ups call people assholes or cunts. Shut up, Jordyn, you'll never have a number one hit. Okay..."Mean". Once again, the video fits. People are mean to people, but it's okay. They'll overcome it one day. Taylor did.


I can't help but compare this video to Pink's "Fuckin' Perfect". Watch that one and you'll see what I mean.

Order: 19

Title: "The Story of Us"

Album: Speak Now (2010)

Song Premise: Taylor meets her ex in a crowded place and wonders what he thinks about it.

Video Premise: In a crowded library, Taylor notices her ex and tries to study. Eventually everyone in the room throws up their books and goes crazy. Taylor and the guy walk towards each other but then part their separate ways.

Comments: Story. Books. Library. Get it? Yes, it make perfect sense. Yay! And I love that they don't reconcile! Our little Taylor is growing up.

Order: 20

Title: "Sparks Fly"

Album: Speak Now (2010)

Song Premise: Taylor likes a bad boy...but it's okay. :-)

Video Premise: Concert footage from the Speak Now tour.

Comments: Well, I spoke too soon about the concert footage videos...but this one isn't bad. Seriously. Although I will never ever go to a Taylor Swift concert, this video makes them look fucking Theatrical, capital T. Sets, costumes, fireworks, rain. I bet you'd get your money's worth.

Order: 21

Title: "Ours"

Album: Speak Now: Deluxe Edition (2010)

Song Premise: Being in love is great, isn't it?

Video Premise: Taylor hates Mondays :-( but her Army (?) boyfriend makes everything okay.

Comments: Meh. It's just hard to picture Taylor as a normal girl in a normal work environment. And Christ, I am getting sick of all this electronic product placement in music videos. Popstars are shills. Also, why is her boyfriend in the Army? Like, what does that have to do with anything? Meh.