Pfft. It's more like what movie DOESN'T make me cry. Catch me on the wrong day and I might weep during Pee Wee's Big Adventure. [Cut to a scene where Jordyn is clutching her Spider-Man pillow whispering, "I just don't understand why he can't find his bike!"] I've cried during sad moments, happy moments, out of depression and relief and I'm never ashamed, no matter that my eyeliner is blackening my cheeks as I exit the theatre. So let's go with something I am ashamed of.
Bubble Boy (2001)
WARNING: This post contains spoilers for the ending of Bubble Boy, so read on at your own discretion. That said, Bubble Boy is a shitty, ten year old comedy that nobody really cares about, so there’s a good chance this warning will mean nothing to you, as you’re likely to never see it or care to.
Okay. I was thirteen. Hormones were raging. I can't remember exactly, but it might have been one of those days. My friend Ashley invited me over to watch it. She always had newish movies that slipped under the radar. At first, I was skeptical. Fast forward 76 minutes and I'm bawling on the floor.
The titular boy is Jimmy Livingston (Jake Gyllenhaal. Yes, Oscar nominee Jake Gyllenhaal), a child born without immunities who lives in a giant plastic bubble. By the time he grows into a teenager, Jimmy has fallen in love with the girl next door, Chloe (Marley Shelton), who is nice enough befriend him. Jimmy's over religious and protective mother (Swoosie Kurtz) disapproves of the relationship. Chloe eventually dates mullet-wearing douche bag Mark (Dave Sheridan) and agrees to marry him. Jimmy then sets out across the country in a home made bubble suit to stop the wedding.
So what made me cry, exactly? Well, Jimmy makes it to church right before Chloe says her vows. He rips out of his bubble suit--which will kill him, remember--and says "I'd rather spend one minute holding you than a lifetime knowing I never could." Then he kisses her, tells her he loves her and collapses.
"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!" goes thirteen year old Jordyn.
And then you find out he's not really dead. His mother was a psycho who wanted to keep him safe from the world. He's fine. Jimmy and Chloe later get married.
In my defense, I'm a sucker for "crying over the dead body" scenes. It started with Beauty and the Beast and has snowballed ever since. I don't really think it needs explanation. I mean, they're dead and you can't do anything to bring them back...unless it's a movie. Then nine times out of ten, they come back through some kind of magic and then you really start to cry.
Sigh. I was thirteen. Leave me alone.